To ask how I tell SIL to sod off?

[InMemoryOfSleep]

Have just spent the weekend with the in-laws, joy of joys . SIL took it upon herself to spend the weekend telling me what to feed DS. He is 2, and going through a bit of a picky phase, we offer him all sorts - mainly what we’re also eating - but there are some things I know he won’t touch, and I don’t want to put him off by offering them. She went on several monologues about how important it is to offer children a variety of tastes, etc etc. How do I politely tell her to sod off next time we are there? She has no kids, and is bulimic, so obviously doesn’t have the best attitude towards food (she doesn’t know that I know that), and also, I hate her, so I just sat there with a gritted-teeth smile and nod. But I’m dreading going again, feeding DS is hard enough at the minute without her adding to the stress!

Remember, some people want to press buttons for a reaction & to push the boundaries, so she probably does pick up on it. I might just go with the sod off!

Thing is you're the bigger person. You know she has food issuesand she may be desperate for kids - so cruel put downs would really hurt.
My ILs do similar - make suggestions which are good in themselves but highly irritating because that's exactly what you're doing, inappropriate in this case (which has been explained multiple times) or just doesn't take into account the huge effect that being out of their routine/normal environment causes.
In the end the only thing you have any control over is your reaction. You need to work out how to let it roll off you. With this type of person they'd genuinely be affronted if you point out how rude they are being. And you would be in the wrong as far as they were concerned no matter how justified your points are!

Why even bother with them OP? You say you hate SIL and that there's a huge back story with the family - is it worth carrying on getting together with them?

"The point is that SIL has no experience of children,"

No-but even if she did, it wouldn't necessarily apply to Op's kids.

All we can ever say is that a certain approach worked for our own kids.

Was she cooking & serving meals?

@GreatDuckCookery honestly if I had my way then I would never see them again! But DH is still very much invested in keeping the relationship going, and I’ll support him for as long as he wants that.

Fair enough OP. Hope things improve then!

Just smile sweetly and say "Yes, I found parenting a lot easier when I didn't have any children too!"

I was millimetres away from saying something similar to my step mil this weekend. It would have made me look like a right cow though as she is nearly 70 and I think she did want kids at some point.

There were many many things she said. The craziest was she told me I should be flossing my 3 year olds teeth as children’s diets are so appalling these days. She then proceeded to tell my horrified 7 year old about “a child she knows” had to have 10 teeth “pulled from their head” as they ate too many sweets. This was shortly after she had arrived with bags of sweets.

I’m still laughing at the thought of flossing my 3 year olds teeth I’d have more success and less injuries flossing the cats teeth

“Thanks for the advice SiL but let’s just drop the food chat, we’re doing what we think is right for DS”

I think it’s best to be polite but very direct. I’d also be a non confrontational as possible - not because of caring about what she thinks but more because it’s likely to be more effective. I’d go with something along the lines of....

SIL, I got a favour to ask and I hope you don’t mind me asking but I’ve noticed that you are giving us a lot of advice about how to feed our toddler. I don’t know if you realise you do it and I know you mean well but we would like you to stop. Thank you

I wouldn’t give any explanations or reasons but if she challenges you I’d keep repeating that you would appreciate it if she stopped.

Just smile sweetly and say "Yes, I found parenting a lot easier when I didn't have any children too!"

Although that is potentially the best reply ever.

Sorry about crap grammar and spelling

On that video link she says "I'd love your advice when I ask for it".
That is so awesome.

try to also let as much go as you can as simply her illness talking.ed sufferers don't no or cant stop the thoughts that run through there minds about food nor the obsessive nature they have over others.she wont mean it to be like that im sure.shell want more than anything for you dc to be ok so will be going to o far the other way in trying t oget them to be ok with all food because she herself cant.
so b firm but kind. just keep reassuring her you've got it.you no hes a fuss pot but hell be ok.youll make sure of it etc etc. that you just want to do it your own way for now with little input from all others so he doesn't get confused if everyones offering opinions.

I might reply with, ' toddlers can get unsettled in an unfamiliar environment (change is hard), therefore we like to stick to things that are familiar and help him feel settled. We do of course try new things when we are in the safe environment of home! But I am sure you already realised that!' or if I wanted to be PA 'Really? how interesting, I had no idea that you had so much experience of working with toddlers and nutrition!'

I would just nip it in the bud and say, 'Yeah, we aren't looking for suggestions on how to feed him as we are comfortable with what we're already doing.'

In the end she is acting out of love. You said you hated her anyway. This sounds difficult. Perhaps you shouldn't go and stay. Mothers pop out a kid and know best. I think it's unfair that you assume because she doesn't have a child she knows nothing.

If your child is fussy, then he is using this as control, and you already have fallen into this. If he doesn't want it, then he gets no food. Kids soon learn,a dn their fussiness falls away. My parents refused to give into fussiness, however were respectful when we absoltuely couldn't bare something. Mine was tinned macaroni cheese, my brother anything fishy and my sister eats everything. We were not one of these kids that didn't like tomatoes or apples...

@Mountainsoutofmolehills fair enough that not having children doesn’t mean you know nothing, however I would say it does mean she knows nothing about my child. I wouldn’t say DS is fussy, as much as he’s going through a phase, and some days he’ll eat lots and some days he won’t. I’m not pandering to him, but I’m also not creating stress at mealtimes - he can choose to eat or not eat, I’m not going to force him. Not sure how you would ‘refuse to give in to fussiness’ with a two year old - I’m not going to force food down his throat.

I have a friend who's an absolute terror for doing this. Eventually I took to very obviously writing down all the Helpful Advice in a special notebook. I've told her when she has her own kids I'm going to have it printed and framed and present it to her. Probably when she's at her most frazzled

She's got a lot better...

Sometimes fussy eating is about control. Sometimes it’s just about food. They don’t like it, they don’t want to eat it, any other thought process is too complicated.

It’s the same with tiny babies and sleep. One relative repeatedly told me my 1 yr old ‘knew exactly what she was doing’ when she was waking up at night. It was quite clear she hadn’t got a fecking clue and was just waking up and finding herself alone in the dark.

Most of the time they’re just reacting in the moment, it’s not part of some grand plan for world domination.

Parents and non parents do get ridiculously worked up over toddlers and food....

It's a stage... They won't starve.... But they can pick up bloody unhelpful messages about food!

I maybe don’t help myself by taking ‘safe’ foods that I know DS will eat while we are away- mainly because I can’t bear the raised eyebrows of MIL and SIL wittering on if DS doesn’t eat. So maybe they do get an impression that he’s fussy, but either way it’s nothing to do with them and I wish they’d back off - I turn into a bit of a pushover around them unfortunately.