To ask how I tell SIL to sod off?

[InMemoryOfSleep]

Have just spent the weekend with the in-laws, joy of joys . SIL took it upon herself to spend the weekend telling me what to feed DS. He is 2, and going through a bit of a picky phase, we offer him all sorts - mainly what we’re also eating - but there are some things I know he won’t touch, and I don’t want to put him off by offering them. She went on several monologues about how important it is to offer children a variety of tastes, etc etc. How do I politely tell her to sod off next time we are there? She has no kids, and is bulimic, so obviously doesn’t have the best attitude towards food (she doesn’t know that I know that), and also, I hate her, so I just sat there with a gritted-teeth smile and nod. But I’m dreading going again, feeding DS is hard enough at the minute without her adding to the stress!

She - of course - has issues around food and feeding given her personal experiences. Could you not be kind, and just agree that's the approach you are trying to take in general, there are just a small number of things you are avoiding at the moment to make sure mealtimes don't become too tense. I don't really see why this would need to be a confrontation issue, tbh...

Why do people think all children are the same? Some toddlers won’t touch something the first few times you put it on their plate, others love novelty.

If Dd doesn’t like something it works best to not offer it for a while and then try again. Trying it every day would more likely put her off. And when she’s been ill or teething she’s really picky, but will eat basically anything the rest of the time. Sometimes you just have to ride out a picky phase, rather than try to solve it.

Argh, hit post instead of preview. Apologies.

Try and make it about everything, as in general development of choices, sharing etc, not just food. If someone has an eating disorder it's not usually a good idea to keep things focused on food.

Just say

“Thanks for all the advice, I’ll not forget how often you’ve put yourself out to give your opinion and I hope I can be as helpful to you when you’re up to you neck with children”

If she has bulimia it’s likely she fixated and obsesses about food.

So be firm, but kind.

I wouldn't make too much of a thing of it as she has had her own issues with food.

I would try something like
"I agree that he does need to try a variety of foods but meal times were getting a bit stressful so we've decided to take the pressure off for a bit so it doesn't become a battle of wills. Please don't discuss food in front of him, its surprising how much they pick up."

And a toddler whose wide ranging food choices you feel slightly smug about can then absolutely refuse to eat anything but a handful ( and maybe an eccentric handful of that ) of foods. They survive and so do you.

Whether SIL has a point or not (and I personally don't think she does as OP says specifically that the DC is "offered all sorts") is beside the point!

The point is that SIL has no experience of children, OP is feeding her child as she thinks best and doesn't want constant unasked for advice and butting in!

I'd go for a polite "Thanks but we prefer our approach" every time, and if she persists then a firm "Thanks but we really prefer not to turn mealtimes into a battle-ground thank you so perhaps it might be best if you didn't keep drawing attention?"

Julie Hanks tackles just this issue here (at 3:10) in her segment on setting boundaries with difficult people:

I've found the fewer comments and less notice is made about them trying or not trying food more likely it is to be tried.

So I would absolutely want her to shut up.

It's not easy though - my older children like to remind youngest who is very picky in later childhood what she has and hasn't eaten in the past - let alone the DGP. The fuss when youngest does try new stuff often puts her off - and really isn't helpful.

Maybe try "we're doing what HV (or someone else with perceived authority on subject) suggests thank you". I’d often find if that didn’t work it often distracted into how experts know nothing rant.

I don't have kids, so never give kid advice, as you really don't know what the details are & it's just being judgemental really.

Think a swift change of subject or total avoidance is the only way.

Thank her for the advice. Then I’d go with the angle that you give him food you know he’ll eat when in company and leave the tasting and adding variety to when it’s just you.

we're all the best parents in the world until we have our own kids

I don't have kids but would never dream of telling anyone else how to parent their kids.

‘we’re trying to avoid too much conflict at mealtimes as this can lead to unhealthy attitudes to food later on’

I wouldn't recommend saying that to someone suffering from bulimia personally

Absolutely agree. Using someone's illness as a stick to beat them with is beyond awful, and far worse than anyone's annoying, unsolicited advice.

I'd go with the "shut the fuck up" approach, myself.

Some toddlers won't touch something the first few times you put it on their plate
And some will scream the place down in horror still won't go anywhere near it no matter what approach you take, or for how long you try. It is heartbraking to watch a child trying to force something down and gagging on it until they throw up.

Just smile sweetly and say "Yes, I found parenting a lot easier when I didn't have any children too!"

Not having kids doesn't mean you can't have an opinion or offer help.

Not being asked for your opinion or help does mean you shouldn't offer it though.

I wouldn't make passive aggressive comments about food relationships etc, as that makes you as bad as her. Just keep repeating 'He is offered a variety of food and they all go through a fussy stage, he'll grow out of it' to shut down the conversation down til she gets the message.

You can choose to ignore her. Either be confident in what you are doing or consider suggestions from others until you are.

@YetAnotherUser your comment has made me lol I desperately want to say that to her!

Thank you all so much for the helpful advice, there are some really useful phrases I’m going to try next time! There is a whole massive backstory to DH’s relationship with his family which I won’t go into, suffice it to say that it is never relaxing when we stay there, and therefore I’m very nervous about rocking the boat and making the situation more stressful for him. But I will definitely try to be more assertive next time - I’m very much of the mindset, as a couple of posters mentioned, of keeping mealtimes as stress free as possible, and I’m sure DS can pick up on my stress when she’s making her comments

GreatDuckCookery
In would say that, might shit her up

*shut

You're in a position where you don't have to worry about wrecking a great relationship.
If you are irritated by her repeatedly crossing a boundary, you can say so.
However you feel towards SIL an eating disorder must have been tough.

She may mean her remarks to be positive support and fails to recognise you hear it as negative criticism.

Next time you're both due at a meal can you say beforehand, please let's not discuss DS's food in front of him.

If she raises the topic outside mealtimes, the first couple of times I would stay polite and make a bland response but after that, say thanks SIL but you've said all this before - and bluntly change the subject.

I would interrupt every monologue with a short, repetitive phrase which doesn't attempt to justify or explain- no point, she isn't listening anyway.

It's under control, thanks

or

We're parenting our way, thanks

Over and over - broken record.

Don’t smile and nod, she’ll only take it as encouragement. I would either ignore her or politely tell her that you are happy enough with your own approach and will ask for advice if you want it.