Reasonable time to stay after dinner

[sachabloom]

So if you invite someone over for dinner, what time is acceptable for them to stay until?

We invited a relative for dinner, and after dinner (8pm) they stayed until 1am (weeknight). Which was tricky because I get up at 5.30 for work and had to drop them home.

Now I don't want to be a dragon, but is that unreasonable? And also, am I a wimp for waiting until they suggested going home? It's my OHs relative, who I really get on with and enjoy their company but just not that late. Should he have said something? I haven't mentioned it to him because I don't want him to think I'm not happy to make an effort for his side. Probably sound like I'm being a bit mean!

Ha, my DP's friends are like this. He invites them round for a few beers and they stay until 1ish during the week. He doesn't mind but I think it's weird.

I would stay until 10 personally and consider that reasonable. I wouldn't have finished dinner by 8 though, usually wouldn't start it until then.

You finished eating at 8 or started?

I wouldn't stay longer than an hour or two after the meal on a work night. It's overstaying the welcome.

@thatmustbenigelwiththebrie you make a really good point there, I have dinner quite early in comparison to a lot of people.

For what it's worth, my OH wanted the relative to leave after dinner too because when they left he was like "oh thank god we can go to bed now" so if he doesn't feel comfy how am I supposed to😂

I keep thinking, stop moaning that people want to spend time with you! But then I think yes but sleep is life! 😂

It's happened to me a couple of times. Unacceptable really but I try not to make a habit on it. I've never had to be up that early for work the next day so that makes a difference as does having to drive them home.

I think 11:30 on a week night is about the latest I'd put up with these days.

You finished dinner at 8? I'm usually getting ready for bed by then! Tea is over by 6 in our house

For the actual point of the post.. yes, 1am is way too late, I would stay an hour after tea.

If I had to get up at 5.30am, I wouldn't have people round mid-week, but I do definitely admire people who don't confine fun things to the weekend.

Hmmm... if he was waiting for a lift for you, maybe he was waiting for you to offer. I can see both sides in this situation - you don't want to rush a guest out, but he doesn't want to demand you take him home now. Did you say anything like, "I can take you home whenever - just let me know when you're ready"?

Tbh, I'm quite boring and I like to just have my tea and chill on the weeknights. We both have hectic weekends and our jobs are quite full on and hubs works late sometimes so our evenings are our little bubble time to sort the house and actually catch up with each other.

But the relative is going through a bit of a bad time hence why we decided to invite them later than we normally would. But this has happened a few times now and 1am was kind of the last straw. I'm wondering if I should have just invited the relative to stay over now as they clearly didn't want to go home.... and now I feel even more of a dragon! Lol

I hate over stayers! But I think it would have been reasonable for you to suggest leaving - 'oh wow, that's eleven. Shall we get going?'

@Hedgehoginthefog no I didn't, I should have though! It's not even as if their unreasonable I think they'd have understood that I had to be up early. I think I've made this a bigger deal in my own head than it needed to be actually

As the hostess it is your job to signal to the guest(s) when it is time to leave. Stop offering drinks (whether alcoholic or coffee) and begin visibly clearing up. Thank them for coming. “Tonight was great—let's do this again soon”. As you were driving them home this should have been easy!

I think I would have said I was going to bed just before 11.

Between 11 and midnight is the time I'd expect guests to bugger off leave on a weeknight. We start dinner between 8 and 8.30 in this house, though, so by the time we've finished eating, got up from the table, moved to the other room for coffee and chocolates etc. it seems reasonable.

If you have dinner very early it'll vary...I wouldn't expect guests to stay much longer than a couple of hours after you've finished eating.

I think you're all right, I think it was my responsibility to man up and say something as I was the one doing the driving.

I wouldn't have guests over midweek.

And we only do lunchtime entertaining.

Stops having annoying drunk people littering up the house at bed time.

DH has friends like this. We had a toddler and a newborn and they just wouldn't leave. I was practically falling asleep with exhaustion. We dropped hints, we tidied up, we made all the usual cues. They said they needed to be going, half an hour they stood chatting in the hallway to us. They finally left after midnight.

Now they have a baby, I think we might pay them a visit with our two rowdy preschoolers.

@Nomad86 haha we're currently TTC so perhaps if/when baby does come along we will start asking for sleepovers and late visits at their house x

They could have been waiting for you to suggest it as you were driving them home.

In future just say " are you ready to head off" and clear things away.

If you habitually get up at 5.30 then I'd make it a blanket thing when inviting people to say 'Dinner is at 8 (or was that when you finished? I'm not sure) and as I get up horrendously early it won't be a late one – I'll need to be home and in bed by x o'clock.'

I don't get up till 7.30 and couldn't handle someone staying until 1am! I think that's pretty inconsiderate on a work night. I'd be on my way by 10.

I would have said something in that case tbh, I would have said listen I don't mean to be rude but I'm up at 5:30am tomorrow and need to sleep. But generally I wouldn't invite someone over if I had work the next day (unless it was unavoidable)

YANBU.

The timings differ, but years ago a friend of DH came for lunch, i.e. 1.30-2.00. At 4.00. we suggested a walk on the beach because they were clearly not going to fuck off anytime soon. Back for coffee at 5.00. By 7.00. said I had marking to do.

Perfectly nice people, but never invited back.

Just say "ah well, that was a nice evening, but I think it's past my bedtime now".

Oh I just read that you were driving them home, they were probably wanting to go as much as you then but were waiting for you to say something as you were driving

Have a friend like that, I cant invite her round of an evening anymore as she will stay till 2am if I don't ask her to leave and I find it awkward.

Trinity, yes, a very British politeness stand-off