Women who have children before marriage

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..but get upset when their partner does not want to/ has not asked to marry them , yet still insist they are too traditional to even contemplate asking their dp to marry them or just discussing it like adults.

I dont get it. Most of the complaining women give the child their partners surname as well which isn’t even traditional if the parents are not married. They live together for years. They are in no way following tradition.
AIBU to not understand why they lie about being “traditional “?

I think the longer you're with someone, the more financially you risk to loose if you're not married. My husbands pension is double mine as I have worked mainly part time. Our house is nearly paid off. We also have a will. I always had a romantic idea when I was younger I would never bother with chasing my partner for money if we split, now 25 years later, I would want my equal share as we have both paid in, in different ways

Quibbling about the cost of a wedding is neither here nor there beyond the basic £200 it's a discretionary spend.

Personally wouldn't have a child without being married and will encourage my dds to do the same. But then I'm cautious and self interested . Don't care what anyone else does but feel strongly that you need to fully understand your position and drifting can be dangerous.

Women have a biological imperative to have children. Men don’t. Their priority is basically to keep themselves in a position where they profit from but can ideally they can shrug off any existing commitment to a woman and joint children as easily as possible, should something more attractive come along. Women recognise this and some will accept the guy’s terms and conditions in order to follow their biological imperative to have children. Sorry but it’s only recently that the law has begun to actively protect women from domestic violence and criminalise rape within marriage. In the immortal words of John Lennon (probably very politically incorrect now but nonetheless very apt) ‘woman is the nigger of the world’.

@frufru27 have you read the whole thread?

Yes you are being extremely unreasonable, I had my daughter at age 20 and I’m not married to my partner I’m not hurting anyone and couldn’t Care less whether I marry my partner or not, my daughter is loved so much by both of us so very much, it doesn’t matter if we’re married or whether we plan on marriage in the future my child is loved happy and healthy and personally I think that’s all that matters. I’d rather spend my money on my little girl than on a wedding. She’s not loosing out on anything because we don’t share the same last name. How people choose to live their lives married or not, children no children it really isn’t any of our business there’s far more going on in the world than worrying about something so minor like this

@HannahGraceDunning23 Do you have a cohabitation agreement in place? Wills? Life insurance?

Whether you're married or not has absolutely no bearing on how much you love your daughter. No one is disputing whether or not she is loved, happy and healthy. Whether you are cohabiting or married has no bearing on any of these.

If you or your partner die, however, she will lose out on bereavement allowance payments until she is 18, because only couples who are married or in a civil partnership are eligible

If the relationship breaks down, without a cohabitation agreement, it's possible she could lose out IF sufficient financial provision isn't made, depending on your individual circumstances

Marriage is a legal contract. That's all. You don't to spend money on a wedding.

It's also cheaper (£120) than a cohabitation agreement (£800+)

What financial provision do you and your partner have in place in case of a future relationship breakdown or if one of you dies?

That doesn't have to be marriage. But I don't understand why you wouldn't have a cohabitation agreement in place if you live together and are raising a child together, but don't want to get married. Can you explain please?

@frufru27 I assume therefore you have a legal cohabitation in place, as well as wills and life insurance?

Don't rely on wills my friend had clients who came in to do their wills together as a couple mirror, all to the other, the next week he came in alone and redid his

That is cold, Kerala. Were they married?

Yes we certainly do have wills and agreements in place, marriage is something I’m open to and if the time came then that’s great but I just don’t understand why we
Feel the need to write ridiculous posts like this? Who exactly am I hurting by having a child before marriage is this affecting you at all? Isn’t there anything better you could
All be doing than worrying about my daughters financial security! I think you’re all absolutely crackers and I’d love to have the time to sit and worry about pathetic matters such as this

“Who exactly am I hurting by having a child before marriage is this affecting you at all?”

1. Yourself.
2. Potentially your daughter.

I'd be more outraged to be living in a country that insists on couples getting married if they want financial protection. Plenty of countries have relationship property protections that kick in after just a few years of a de facto relationship and give similar if not identical protections to marriage.

I agree ^^

Nope. If they were married she's protected as she can claim against his estate even if he cuts her out and would succeed. Unmarried it's much much harder to challenge a will.

Yep. It's certainly true that however easy the above were to organise, lots of people don't. We go back again to the stat about only 40% of adults having wills. But even if everyone who has a partner they're not married to had both, and they don't, it's important people are aware that it can be changed. Without you knowing. You wouldn't be notified. And it's much, much harder to challenge a will as a partner than a spouse.

This isn't scaremongering. It's facts. Some people would view it as a positive reason not to get married, even.

And if marriage is “something you’re open to”, that presumably means you don’t object to it as a concept, like some of the people on this thread.

So the more pertinent question is not who are you hurting by not being married, but who is benefiting by you not being married?

The answer is probably your partner.

Yes, I don't know why people mention water-tight wills on threads like this.

Wills don't mean anything - in the sense that the person whose will it is can change it without the beneficiary knowing. And you may not even find out until your partner dies, when there's pretty much fuck all you can do about it.

The only thing that really offers the protections of marriage is marriage!

@HannahGraceDunning23 out of interest, how much did your cohabitation agreement cost? They seem to be exceptionally costly.

I assume your solicitor advised you when drawing up your wills and cohabitation agreements that legally it's much harder to disinherit a spouse than an unmarried partner?

Wow- what a lovely judgemental post!! Do you know all the circumstances surrounding every unmarried woman with children? I’m assuming being traditional and married before kids you don’t believe in sex before marriage either? Why are other women so judgemental in the 21st century about other people’s relationships? I have been with my partner for many many years and he didn’t want children or to get married- although I would love to be married he’s the love of my life so we stayed together. Eventually my desire to have a baby was so strong I managed to get him on board to! So we now have a beautiful child together. We couldn’t afford a wedding and that’s not his priority- not because he doesn’t love me or because I’m not good enough but because that’s not what he particularly believes in. We have a very loving relationship and my child has his surname. I would love him to propose one day and to get married. You can mix tradition and non-tradition. You could say why do people still follow traditions, wear white etc when they’ve been living together and when some people have had multiple partners before settling down! Stop judging!

@Talulah99 do you have a legal cohabitation agreement?

Think it's gone past not working out. We've been together 30 years. Far longer than most marriages around us.You have no idea of the intricacies of what we have set up or our relationship. So again quit with your scaremongering. I have a man who chooses to be with me and to protect me. I choose to be with him and to protect him.He hasn't been bullied into committment or protection. Equally he hasn't tried bullying me either. We may get round to some kind of celebration one day. We may not. It will make very little difference.

I really think forcing marriage on couples is wrong. If it's just for protection there should be an easier method e.g. form you can just send off.

Half the population of couples clearly don't want marriage. Times have changed,society needs to move with it.

My husband didn't propose until we were 2 children in and had been together and lived together for 5 years (we moved in quick). I'm pretty sure he only did it because I had the forms to change my name by deed pole as I didn't want different surnames from my children. I was happy to do this and their names weren't his by tradition as such, it was just a case of them needing one of our surnames tbh.

He later told me he didn't want to propose because we couldn't afford to get married. I just wanted a quick registry office do and a meal but he didn't, he wanted the whole proper thing. Obviously he didn't think this was a sensible way to spend money with 2 children so he decided not to, until he realised I was going to change my name.

Talulah99 this thread is not about the morality of having children out of wedlock. I really don’t think anybody cares about that now. It’s about the legal and financial implications of being married versus not being married.

You may think this is judgemental of me but I would take a very dim view of any man who knew I wanted to get married and was willing to impregnate me but not willing to give me the legal and financial protection of marriage.

@browneyes and I would prefer to live in a country to marry or not to marry to invoke that protection. Its çalled freedom of choice

Still so many people missing the point on here

In some cases adaline I think they genuinely believe it about water tight wills. They've just not realised that's not a thing when you're not married because your partner can change it without telling you and there's very little you could do after the fact. These are the posters who don't try and continue arguing the point after being corrected. Hopefully they find the information useful.

Some other posters though, they know this information because they've been told it before. Often quite a lot. I don't know if they just don't believe it, or they're deliberately trying to misinform, or it's a bit of the old defensive denial. Who knows? It's not like this information is innately pro-marriage, either. For some people, this would be a reason to prefer cohabitation.

No I don’t 🤔 sorry my post was a bit rambling! I was just really annoyed by the original post!!