Women who have children before marriage

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..but get upset when their partner does not want to/ has not asked to marry them , yet still insist they are too traditional to even contemplate asking their dp to marry them or just discussing it like adults.

I dont get it. Most of the complaining women give the child their partners surname as well which isn’t even traditional if the parents are not married. They live together for years. They are in no way following tradition.
AIBU to not understand why they lie about being “traditional “?

We also have a welfare state that supports women who choose to be single mums far too easily.

Oh shut up.

Hello

Followed a lot of this thread but thought I would give my opinion.

I am having a child outside of marriage, however it was a choice made between myself and my partner. We both work full time (although I am currently off on maternity) we skrimped and saved for a couple of years in order to buy our forever home to which we are joint tenants that way if anything should happen ie death the house would be transferred into single names. We then decided what’s next child or marriage? To which we decided child. I’m only 30 but did not want my fertility to decline and if I picked marriage I would be about 35 before we could consider children again. If it comes to us splitting up the forever house will be sold and mortgage paid off anything left over will be split 50/50, I will be going back to my full time occupation as a mortgage adviser after mat leave because I do not want my career to suffer. I also have a rental property portfolio that I amassed before I met my partner, that portfolio will be going to my children and that’s what it states in my Will.

My children will have their fathers name because if we ever do get married in the future we will all have the same name. If not we’ll im not really too bothered.

One thing that does concern me about marriage is that once you get married your OH has a claim over 50% of your assets, if I was to split up with my partner after marriage I could be putting a lot of my assets at risk, my partner does have another child so I am not sure where I would stand legally there??

It’s not out of the question though and it would be nice to have a big day and party, I just don’t think it would add anything to our relationship that we don’t have already xx

I don't understand why getting married would put child making back 5 years? It only costs a few pounds to get married. Having a big wedding costs money, but is optional. And you can always do that later as we did.

I do understand wanting to keep your own assets by not getting married however. How does your partner feel about that?

nationalpost.com/news/world/children-dont-ruin-womens-careers-husbands-do-harvard-study-finds

I think this is relevant to this discussion. Having a husband, not having kids, tends to be what prangs a woman's career most. Having a partner who is not a husband presumably does the same. Except that you have less financial security in the event of a split.

Single mothers who go into single motherhood with their eyes open are not the ones who worry me---they know that they have to support themselves and make their choices accordingly.

Jenny---at the risk of repeating something that has been said again and again on this thread, marriage =!= wedding. You can do a paperwork marriage (takes 90 quid and a single afternoon), and then do the big white wedding a few years later if you want.

That's a US study. They're discussing graduates of US institutions. If there's any UK research suggesting the same holds here, I'd be interested to read it, but nothing I've ever seen indicates that. Women stop outearning men around the time of first child birth and there's nothing afaik to say unmarried women don't experience this.

I've heard Lucy's story before but didn't realise how much she'd been named on. Sobering to think she could've been telling us about all her protection on one of these threads herself. Shame she didn't.

In response to getting married for £90 yes we could do that but at the same time what would be the point if it’s not that big a deal to both my partner and me? it would also mean that I would have to rewrite my Will and could be at risk of losing 50% of my assets if we were to split up.

We have discussed weddings and decided if we were to get married we would want a nice wedding and a big day, not something you could buy for £90 so that’s why let’s say if we spent £10k on a wedding it would take approx 5 years to save we don’t believe in taking out loans for something like that either so we would need to save the money, and to us a child is more important x

Not wanting to risk assets is a good reason not to get married. It not being a big deal to you isn't. Because legally and financially it is, so you want to make your decision accordingly.

@jenny

Good for you! It wouldn’t be to your financial advantage, you’ve looked into it and you’ve made an educated choice.

If your dp feels the same - great. The only thing is if one of your died and IHT blah blah (it’s in this thread if you want to read back).

But the point of a lot of the discussion on this thread is that some women, the women who are the more financially vulnerable, because they’ve reduced working hours or given up work to raise babies etc, think marriage is not for them, just a bit of paper or whatever. If you know about the possible benefits and don’t think you would benefit and your dp also knows and agrees with you, then this^^ isn’t you.

Yes but then the question is whether or not you want to get married full stop

If you want to get married but the cost of a wedding is prohibitive then you have a simple civil marriage ceremony, and a fancy wedding further down the line when funds permit

If you don't particularly want to get married at the moment for varying - and justified - financial reasons, then why would that change in 5 years time? If you're (rightfully) concerned about protecting assets if you split up, then how does being able to afford a wedding come into the picture?

I guess when you’re thinking about marriage you’re not thinking about splitting up which is why money spent on a wedding is not considered.

When it comes to IHT current limit is £325,000 now although it would be nice for my assets to be above that, they are currently not. This limit also goes up as time goes on so don’t think I will ever go above that. Even if I did I would probably pass properties on to my kids prior to me passing away or going into LTC and hopefully 7 years before that happened so they can avoid the tax.

As mentioned it would be nice to marry my partner some day, I do believe in giving the children his name, I don’t like double barrelling, my surname is quite common and it means a lot to him for them to have his name. I did get first choice on first name and middle name so win win! But if we do marry we will all have the same name.

As mentioned there would be a lot at stake if something went south in the relationship and we were married. He has said he would not want to put any kinda claim on my assets and I believe him but you never know! Also a PP made the point that if we were married and I died all my assets go to my husband if he was then to remarry they would then go to his new wife who may not pass them to my kids which would be a nightmare! At this moment my singular assets would go to my kids if I died or my family if something happened to my kids.

My partner would get our jointly owned house which is fair all round I think xx

I simply do not get the 'give the children the father's name as it means something to them' point. My childten would not have had a different surname to me. Not married, my surname.

Jenny, you cal also write a will. My step mother died recently and left all her asseta ( including her half of the house) to my half sister rather than my father.

Hey you could have a will and leave the kids half the house however you would need to own the house on a tenants in common basis rather than as joint tenants like I own mine, it’s possible but it has its own implications.

I must say I don't get not being bothered about marriage but simultaneously wanting a big wedding if you did get married. Each to their own obv.

It’s my partner that wants the big day, I would not mind to be perfectly honest, just not really high on our priorities list, it’s a nice to have rather than a priority to us. X

Well it's him not you who's the inconsistent one then! Totally see why people wouldn't prioritise a big day though, it's an optional thing and not everyone even wants it.

Ah fuck off