Or are my parents?

[stripesandsocks]

My dc is the first grandchild on both sides. My parents have struggled to adjust since her arrival and have crossed many boundaries.

My in laws on the other hand are lovely, a genuine pleasure to be around and great parents/grandparents. Never any issues there.

I can't seem to mention my in laws in general conversation without a bitchy comment or I'm then given the silent treatment, it's very odd. My DF will ask if we've seen my in laws at the weekend and if I say yes, he will get shitty and say well when will we be seeing you next. The tone of the conversation is very cold and I'm left feeling like I need to apologise but I don't think I'm doing anything wrong!!

We generally see them both every other weekend for the same amount of time. I do see MIL once midweek on my own, but I'm forever offering the same to my Mum on another day midweek and she always declines.

I'm 8 months pregnant so very hormonal and the conversation with my Dad yesterday has really upset me. They asked if we had seen the in laws so I said no not at the weekend but I saw MIL on Friday and dc said her name for the first time, it was really cute! Expecting an answer along the lines of "that's great" or "what a clever girl" instead I'm met with cold silence. It's extremely awkward and I don't know how to proceed.

AIBU? I don't mention my in laws unless asked and I don't see why I should lie about who we've seen to please them.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

I understand why you don't want to lie but I suggest you make a decision as a family to control what you say to your parents. The less you engage with their bad behavior the better. This is really about taking a big step back and focusing on your own family. It's about drawing a new boundary.

I think you see them a lot, and also your in laws. Every weekend you visit one side of the family? For me, I need time just with my DH and kids. But each to their own.

Given that they're obviously jealous it was pretty insensitive to say that DC had said MIL's name! A proud moment best shared with someone else.
Could you try and 'big up' the relationship that new GC will have with them? Or invite your mum over and say that DC would love to see her?

They are unreasonable. Next time they ask about the ILs just say you don’t want to discuss them because your parents seem to dislike them/you spending time with them for some reason so you won’t be talking about them anymore. If they get in a huff tell them it’s time for you to go and hopefully they’ll be in higher spirits next time so you can stay a bit longer.

They need to know that you see through and won’t stand for their manipulation. Draw a line in the sand. You are an adult and if they’re going to act like children give them a time out.

What Yes we do tend to see one set of grandparents at the weekend, unless we're really busy but they are both only 10 minutes away so it's easy to fit in for an hour or so.

Nike yes it was definitely a foot in mount moment!! I immediately regretted saying it. I do try to involve my mum all the time and she doesn't want to know. She's early 50s and works 6 hours a week, no hobbies or social life but every single time I offer to take her out or invite her over she always declines. It's really odd. They are demanding of our time at the weekend, but midweek she doesn't want to see us.

Mouth*!!!

Of course you don't have to lie about who you've seen, just to avoid upsetting your parents! It is actually their problem, not yours.

I like iwasjust's approach - ask them if there is any reason they get huffy when you mention the ILs, and point out that you keep inviting your DM to spend time with you but she keeps refusing! And leave it at that. Let them huff and sulk.

Hi lass

When my daughter had her first birthday in November 2015 it was a double grandparent party and all good - MIL then viciously bafkstabbed me and phoned my mum up and said i was delaying my daughter's growth, social services were gonna be called etc etc etc.

I lasted a year until i had it out with her and by God she got the sharp end of it. My parents haven't seen them apart from once at my grans funeral last april.

Now due dc2 in august and I'm clearly laying boundaries this time and ensuring PIL run by my rules etc.

80 miles between parents and me and they accept it's just distance as we phone and message on video a lot but a street between PIL and us = they are nosy and judgmental.

Lay down rules and cut contact if needed until they get the idea their attitude sucks and being toxic to your child is a massive nono.

What do you mean when you say your folks have crossed boundaries? Have they been giving unwanted advice etc?

“Given that they're obviously jealous it was pretty insensitive to say that DC had said MIL's name! A proud moment best shared with someone else.”

Agree with this.

OP I think you’re going to have to accept that your parents are themselves as the victims here, and then gently challenge it. Next time you get a comment like that, ask what they would have you do? Remind them that you are turned down whenever you suggest meeting up more often.

Iwasjust I think this is the approach I'm going to have to take. It's been going on for over a year now and nothing has changed.

Ginger sadly it was much more than unwanted advice. Turning up uninvited, ringing constantly. I had a horrible birth and ended up having an operation afterwards. Then dc got very sick and needed emergency surgery at a couple of weeks old. It was life threatening. When she was finally home, were told to keep visitors away for a few weeks by the consultant. They were insisting the elderly grandparents visit, even though one had a cold at the time! It got to the stage that I pretended no one was in when DH went back to work!
Told relatives I probably had PND and that's why I didn't want to see anyone, not because I was just adjusting to the horrific, terrifying few weeks we'd just had and wanted a bit of space to bond with my baby.

I would stop pandering to your dps. It isn't a bloody competition to see who sees you the most!!

HI OP,

Sorry you had such a traumatic time when your DD was born.

Your parents sound very jealous and quite unpleasant. Next time they ask if you've seen your in-laws, I would just ask 'Why do you always ask me that?'. Maybe through in the odd fib too.

I have found the best way to deal with my DM is a quick "I'm not entertaining this discussion" and move on. I refuse to get drawn into ridiculous conversations about my parenting that we will not agree on. Surprisingly seems to have decreased conflict even though we both know we think the other one is being an idiot. She huffs slightly when I say it but moves on because she knows I'll get up and go get a drink/go to the loo or something and keep doing that until she stops.

Maybe they feel they were shunned so now they are distant, yet jealous?

Ah the joys of competitive Grandparenting.

We’ve had something similar to this. We deal with it in two ways:

1. Limit the information flow. My PILs get told considerably less about our lives than they used to. We don’t lie but we absolutely don’t volunteer any more than necessary.

2. Ignore snide remarks/caustic tone. It’s manipulative. It’s designed to put you on the back foot. However you can choose how to respond.

I have found that ignoring the tone and answering in a cheerful and breezy manner is very effective.

Snide remarks, I answer the words not the meaning. Or I cheerfully challenge them in a head tilty manner.

"Expecting an answer along the lines of "that's great" or "what a clever girl" "

Were you really though?

I shoulkd imagine that they are smarting from how they were treated & like kids have cut off their nose to spite their face.

I mean-who would turn down a chance to see their first GC?

Oh yes-that would be my ILs who would only visit when my husband was also there.

And then moan about how little they saw their GC.

No, the moaning didn't result in the offer to visit midweek being given again.

I think next time they ask in a passive-aggressive fashion when they will see you, you need to set the record absolutely straight.

"Dad, I'm feeling very attacked by this assumption that you make that I see the in laws more often than I see you. We make huge efforts to see both them and you each weekend, for the same length of time. Yes, I see the in laws during the week too, but I constantly offer the same opportunity to Mum, but she always says 'No'. I'm not going to apologise for involving both sets of grandparents in my child's life. There is nothing for you to be jealous of, and the way you are behaving is pushing all of us away'.

I feel for you, OP, I'm in a similar situation although without DC at the moment.

If I speak to my parents and mention doing an activity, my DM will always ask 'who is that with?', or even if I say something as dull as 'DP and I are getting a takeaway tonight', it's 'is that at your place or his?' (he lives with his parents)

It's because she is hideously jealous of his family, particularly his parents, and feels entitled to know who I am spending my free time with, which she'll then judge because it's not with her (I wonder why? )

I'm still sussing out the way forward, so I don't have too much advice yet, sorry. But one thing I can recommend is 'grey rock' - when you talk to your parents, don't give anything away that you think they will take offence to, e.g. your DC saying MIL's name. What they don't know can't hurt them.

for you, families can be so tricky.

How about 'No we haven't seen the inlaws, we've fallen out with them and gone NC' - they'll be lovely (relatively), the inlaws will probably be highly understanding if you explain you've had to lie, and you'll get peace and quiet (for a bit).
Or pigmcpigface's suggestion if you prefer the truth though from the sounds of it you'll probably get tears, a guilt trip and still have the same trouble.

I think I'd go for a bright, brisk, "It's not a competition, you know." Every. Fucking. Time.

Because the only ones making it a competition ... are your parents.

"Have you seen your inlaws this week Stripes?"
"Why do you ask?"
Then, depending on their reply,
"Because you always ask this and then get angry if I say yes"

Which leads on nicely to MrsHathaway's "it's not a competition you know."

I had to cut contact with my dad and step mum for similar reasons. I have never been close to my dad but since the kids he's tried to force his way in, but is very overbearing, won't commit to times, is really inappropriate and loud. It got to the point I was so stressed by him that I made sure I was busy so they couldn't visit. We are closer to my in laws, which does bother my dad but he needs to get over it and has now accepted it. If you don't lay down the boundaries it becomes very stressful!

tell them its not a competition.be up front and ask why the seem to be cold when other gp are mentioned.could you be that frank?
otherwise youll be feeling hurt and they will still be feeling how they are.
make sure you tell them they are both loved in different ways but things happen and they will both enjoy different but all the more joyous moment with the dc.but carrying on like this will cause a rift and awkwardness if it goes on.so yo uwant to sort it now.
then let them huff or think it through.dont leave it though,make sure you follow up letting them now this shouldn't come between you.
the thing with lying or not confronting it is this will continiue to bug and niggle with you as their daughter it might then begin to hurt too.
where my dad found it annoying with his mil my mum was constantly feeling hurt by her.so you need to be able to deal with this together so it gets sorted.

I think I'd go for a bright, brisk, "It's not a competition, you know." Every. Fucking. Time.

That was my first thought too :D

Tell them you have one child- and you don’t appreciate them behaving like children and it’s very upsetting. Give the examples you’ve laid out here and ignore them till they start to behave in a civilised way. Pandering to it will just prolong it. How totally insensitive to behave like that when your child was so ill! If they don’t change, it sounds like it’s no great loss and the odd visit at Christmas etc would suit all concerned.