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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend/Stealing

41 replies

giadak · 21/05/2018 00:30

Hi all. I have a dilemma here and wanted some advice if possible.

Upon finding out a long-time friend of mine had stolen from me (caught on camera thankfully) - I had decided to cut ties with her. She had also done other things prior - not to the extent of stealing - but still - quite shameful.

However, she and I have a mutual friend who I quite like. I told the mutual friend all that I had found out - and she was naturally shocked. The mutual friend is still friends with the thief.

I never told the original friend that I found out about the stealing as thinking about it makes me feel physically sick - and I know she will continue to lie to me - despite the video evidence.

It wasn’t a friend I saw often so luckily I can shake the thief off. Stealing is still stealing though - and a crime nevertheless. I simply don’t want to speak to her ever again. (The three items stolen weren’t sentimental etc...)

However, the mutual friends is still friends with the thief. I’m finding it hard to trust the mutual friend now as a result - and I can’t help but see her ‘differently’.

I know the mutual friend hasn’t done anything wrong - and she can be friends with whoever she wants.

However, is it unreasonable that I want to cut ties with anyone who chooses to be friends with the person who stole from me - whilst they remain friends with the thief too?

I would never tell her to not be friends with anyone nor would I tell her to stop talking to someone, but I do feel differently being around this mutual friend now.

Please help!

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 21/05/2018 00:38

I don't think you're being unreasonable. When we let people into our home it's an act of trust. If someone isn't shocked by that behaviour and carries on the relationship, they are condoning it.

You can do better!

FissionChips · 21/05/2018 00:42

^^Everything crow said.

PintOfMineralWater · 21/05/2018 00:51

Do you think the mutual friend doesn't believe you (despite video evidence)? Or perhaps has heard another version from your friend? Is there a reason MF might need to keep TF (thieving friend) onside, or their relationship civil?

Just trying to think my way into the MF's mindset - but if it really is that straightforward, I agree with you and I wouldn't stay friends with someone I knew would steal from me if they thought they could get away with it.

TemptressofWaikiki · 21/05/2018 01:05

That would be a dealbreaker too. I'd expect better standards from a friend.

MirriVan · 21/05/2018 01:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 21/05/2018 01:32

That would piss me off too... no you are not unreasonable. Id call them out and ask why they choose to remain friends and Id show the video to thief too! But then I love a good fight with someone if I know Im correct lol.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 21/05/2018 02:42

So you think nobody should be friends with anyone who has ever done something bad to another person?
Nobody that has ever cheated on someone, stolen, been mean etc?

The thief has hurt YOU, but presumably hasn't stolen from or done anything bad to mutual friend, so mutual friend is giving them benefit of the doubt, or maybe is giving them 1 chance and if they mess up theyre gone.
I have a group of friends, some i'm closer to than others. If one of the ones im closer to did something mean to one i not as close to, i wouldn't ditch the closer friend, although i would probably tell them i know what they did and i don't agree with it. If one im not as close to, did something to one i am closer to, they'd be gone, i'd want nothing to do with them again.

Copperbonnet · 21/05/2018 04:17

Being mean to someone isn’t the same as stealing though Almost.

I suspect that your mutual friend either:

Doesn’t believe you, after all you didn’t confront the thief ir even mention it to her.

Or

Is too weak to confront her so is sweeping it under the carpet.

Probably a bit of both.

I’d be drawing back too tbh. Stealing from your friend is pretty serious. It’s not a schoolgirl falling out.

Loopyloopy · 21/05/2018 04:55

If I had a friend A who stole from friend B, I might keep in touch with friend A (although at a distance ) as I'm a bit of a soft touch: I probably believe too strongly in second chsnces. Could this be happening?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 21/05/2018 05:02

It depends on their history really. Why are they friends? Have they been friends since childhood? Do they have other mutual friends or family that make contact inevitable? Maybe the mutual friend sees they stealing as indicative of the other friend having a hard time and wants to stick by her because she believes she will come through it. I don’t think it’s as black and white as you’re suggesting.

Barbaro · 21/05/2018 05:58

Not being unreasonable but maybe the mutual friend thinks you aren't that bothered about it because you haven't done anything like reported it to the police? Only assuming there as you haven't mentioned it. But if you haven't, they might think you aren't bothered about it but just don't trust the person anymore and that it's OK for the mutual friend to still hang around with them.

If you haven't reported it, why not? They don't deserve to get away with it and you have evidence.

Pengggwn · 21/05/2018 06:07

It depends, to be honest. How strong/close is their friendship? I wouldn't drop a friend of, say, thirty years because they had an episode of stealing. I would think they had gone off the reservation but would offer them support.

charlestonchaplin · 21/05/2018 06:39

There is such a thing as forgiveness. Being able to see past a person's bad deeds. Not holding a person's wrongdoing against them forever. If people never forgave us our misdemeanours, maybe many of us wouldn't have many friends. Some people manage to forgive their child's killer, so forgiving a thief, especially when they haven't stolen from you, isn't such a stretch of the imagination.

AJPTaylor · 21/05/2018 06:50

Up to you who you are friends with.
Mutual friend may know more, be worried about friend and want to support her.
Yanbu to quietly drop your friendship though.

bonnyshide · 21/05/2018 06:54

Yes, I agree with you, I'd be questioning your mutual friends moral code now too. Why would she want to stay friends with the thief unless:

A) she doesn't believe you.
B) she doesn't really think there's anything wrong with what thief did.

Either way I'd have to end this friendship too.

NewYearNewMe18 · 21/05/2018 06:59

You have CCTV, yet you didn't confront the thief, and I presume you didn't go to the police. If I were the mutual friend in this, I would consider this to be 'gossip'.

You cannot expect everyone to ostracise a person on your say so.

However, if you go around accusing people f theft, yet are not seen to be following through (ie police) , I'd be thinking you weren't a particularly nice person.

Spam88 · 21/05/2018 07:01

It's entirely up to you who you choose to be friends with, but personally I think you're being unreasonable. You think nobody should have anything to do with thieving friend now? That's a bit sad. I totally understand that you're upset with her and can't trust her, but honestly in your circumstances I wouldn't expect anyone else to be dropping her as a friend (she'd have to do something a lot more serious than stealing from me before I'd think that was a reasonable expectation).

Clutterbugsmum · 21/05/2018 07:02

I'd feel the same as you.

Although I may still MF but outside of my house.

autumnleaf1 · 21/05/2018 07:11

I think its odd that you told a mutual friend but not the thief. Tell the thief and the police if relevant, otherwise it comes across as gossip. Also, what did the friend steal? Stealing your £300 holiday money is a bit different from stealing a beer when you weren't looking (although both wrong).

Oblomov18 · 21/05/2018 07:20

YABU
I completely disagree and agree with Almost. I have friends who are no longer friends with someone else. I take their views on board. It might make me a bit more cagey and careful. But I can't simply dump them. Because of someone else. You simply can't. That would be SO wrong. Can't you see that?
I'm truely shocked that you would think this, about the mutual friend.

Oblomov18 · 21/05/2018 07:22

And. Why haven't you had the bollocks, to tell the thief directly. Instead of just going around gossiping about them? That's bad!

ADuckNamedSplash · 21/05/2018 07:23

If the mutual friend had posted on Mumsnet for advice about the stealing situation, she would have been told, "Not your circus, not your monkeys". To end her own friendship with the thief over this would be to get involved in a situation that's nothing to do with her. She's quite rightly keeping her nose out of it.

OliviaStabler · 21/05/2018 07:35

I wouldn't cut off a friendship on someone else's say so. Who knows what their agenda might be.

Also you don't know what the thief has told the mutual friend about the incident.

RoadToRivendell · 21/05/2018 07:40

Hm.

I'd tell this friend that you know about her stealing from you, firstly.

Secondly, yes, I'd expect a friend to have higher standards. I wouldn't expect her to drop this other friend like a hot potato, exactly, but I'd expect some distance.

RoadToRivendell · 21/05/2018 07:41

If the mutual friend had posted on Mumsnet for advice about the stealing situation, she would have been told, "Not your circus, not your monkeys".

That's obviously not entirely true, as you can see from this very thread.