Friend/Stealing

[giadak]

Hi all. I have a dilemma here and wanted some advice if possible.

Upon finding out a long-time friend of mine had stolen from me (caught on camera thankfully) - I had decided to cut ties with her. She had also done other things prior - not to the extent of stealing - but still - quite shameful.

However, she and I have a mutual friend who I quite like. I told the mutual friend all that I had found out - and she was naturally shocked. The mutual friend is still friends with the thief.

I never told the original friend that I found out about the stealing as thinking about it makes me feel physically sick - and I know she will continue to lie to me - despite the video evidence.

It wasn’t a friend I saw often so luckily I can shake the thief off. Stealing is still stealing though - and a crime nevertheless. I simply don’t want to speak to her ever again. (The three items stolen weren’t sentimental etc...)

However, the mutual friends is still friends with the thief. I’m finding it hard to trust the mutual friend now as a result - and I can’t help but see her ‘differently’.

I know the mutual friend hasn’t done anything wrong - and she can be friends with whoever she wants.

However, is it unreasonable that I want to cut ties with anyone who chooses to be friends with the person who stole from me - whilst they remain friends with the thief too?

I would never tell her to not be friends with anyone nor would I tell her to stop talking to someone, but I do feel differently being around this mutual friend now.

Please help!

What did friend steal from you, I’m asking because I once read a thread on here where a poster was up in arms over her children’s friends ‘stealing’ some sweets. Maybe mutual friend doesn’t think whatever she took is a big deal.
Why did you not confront friend about her stealing from you, but you told mutual friend - I think that in itself is little bit sly. I’m not saying it is right to steal, but you have not given friend a chance to explain herself. Maybe mutual friend has discussed it with her And your former friend has explained herself to her.

That's obviously not entirely true, as you can see from this very thread.

There's never complete agreement on here, no - but I believe that would have been the general concensus. Bear in mind that the messages on this thread are in response to the person on one side of this situation - not an outsider who is caught in the middle of two friends.

YABU. Why should the mutual friend cut off the "thief" on exactly no evidence whatsoever? If I was the mutual friend I'd be looking at you sideways as a gossip and possible shit-stirring liar.

"she should have been told would have been told, "Not your circus, not your monkeys". ", - if Mn posters had any sense.

stole what?

£100
Family airloom - necklace worth £50k?

A packet of haribo?

Does matter.

I've been in this situation from MFs position. Friend 1 had a very important item stolen by friend 2. There was incontrovertible proof but sadly friend 1 could not get the item back. Friend 2 had a bit of a reputation for dishonesty, but nothing concrete.
Friend 1 is still in touch with friend 2. I have nothing to do with friend 2.
So Imo, yanbu op.

Thanks to all for your input/answers.

FYI,

For those that are asking why I never reported it, it was because it was caught on my parents’ CCTV at their home. They had kept it to themselves as they know her whole family - and the they knew I disliked her/saw her less and less as time went by. It was only when I’d complained to them about something else she’d done; they came clean and showed me the video evidence. I think they should have reported it at the time. My father agreed with me. My mother disagreed with me.

Also, I wouldn’t tell others without having the evidence to hand - in case they would think I was being a stirrer/lying.

I’m also not asking that the mutual friend drop the thief. My question was whether or not I was unreasonable in wanting to distance myself from the mutual friend as I can’t help but see her differently.

The mutual friend doesn’t doubt me thankfully but says she can’t ‘get away’ from the thief.

My question was whether or not I was unreasonable in wanting to distance myself from the mutual friend as I can’t help but see her differently.

YANBU to want to reassess any friendship but YABU to be judging your mutual friend for not wanting to break a friendship over someone else's issue.

I have friends that have done not nice things to other people but I am still friends with them because either it was a very out of character action and I wanted to support my friend through their bad patch; there was a huge backstory that explained their action so I could "forgive" the action; or it was a "he said, she said" situation where I trusted my friend enough to give them the benefit of the doubt that their story was the truth.

The mutual friend doesn’t doubt me thankfully but says she can’t ‘get away’ from the thief.

Considering that you haven't actually confronted the thief, I can understand why your mutual friend would struggle to just drop them without a) causing a scene and/or b) getting involved in someone else's fight.

If the mutual friend drops their friendship with the thief and the thief then asks why they have distanced themselves they either have to make up a lie or admit that you told them they had stolen from you/your family. That then puts mutual friend in the middle, the thief then finds out that you have been telling people they are a thief without allowing them a chance to defend themselves or discuss it privately and come to some sort of mutual agreement to either move past it or cut off the friendship.

Hi there. Thanks for your input. I understand and echo those sentiments.

Just to clarify, the thief had sadly done numerous things over many years. The stealing was the straw that broke the camel’s back - naturally. (Especially as it was caught on camera).

The mutual friend also dislikes the thief for reasons of her own. In fact, she first reached out to me for advice. It was then that I had told her that I, too, had experienced similar/worse things.

So if the mutual friend breaks off the friendship with the thief, it’d be for more than enough reasons of her own.

The whole thing is quite sad - for all involved.

You’re obviously at liberty to choose who you want as friends, but if you are doing it because the mf is basically tolerating a friendship with someone that neither of you particularly like, then you should remember that you also maintained a friendship with her for a long time for similar reasons to.

And you’ve not actually confronted light fingered friend, so what is she meant to say to her, indeed whilst on topic what have you said to theiving friend to distance yourself ?

You all sound quite immature whispering behind backs and pretending to be friends with someone you don’t even like. Wouldnt be surprised if mf was moaning about you in a similar fashion.

Will you not be telling mf your reasons for cutting her off either?

I know that I am being harsh, but honestly ghosting people for doing something you don’t like is no way to go through life and your not giving people a chance to explain, which really is quite mean.

I understand your sentiments, but have to disagree.

Yes, people are free to be friends with whoever they want for whatever reasons.

I do think it’s sad all around. Bear in mind, stealing is a crime. So to cut off a friendship with someone that has stolen - on video - I think is a good enough reason.

I didn’t rant/rave to the mutual friend. I had simply told her the truth (evidence in hand) as to why I had already cut off contact with her long before. The mutual friend came to me asking for advice on how to deal with her - before she had to knowledge of the theft.

I’d gladly tell her of the stealing, but sadly my family feel differently - and since she stole from the family home - I’d respected my parents’ decision both at the time and now.

Thankfully, I didn’t see her often anyway - but the mutual friend does.

Your mutual friend has the right to be friends with whoever she wants.

So do you.

I'd find myself naturally distancing myself too

I’m quite surprised that there are people on the thread who would quite happily remain friends with a thief.

Friendships are based on trust. How could you remain friends with someone you couldn’t trust alone with your handbag or alone in your living room?

@Copperbonnet - I'm inclined to agree.

I do also agree with another poster above in which she states the mutual friend has the right to be friends with whoever she wants. (This isn't something I have ever disputed).

It does seem strange given the proof/knowledge - but that is of course, her choice.

In the same vein, I think I'm just going to distance myself.

I sadly completely empathize with this situation. I had a long term friend who introduced me to friend B who (i thought) became a close friend.
Friend B was in a jam and needed some cash and I helped her out (not a huge amount at all) with her promise to pay it back by X date.
What followed was months of her ghosting me then popping up to say "oh i will pay it this week for sure" and then disappearing again.
Several months passed and friend B popped up again all apologetic and told me the reason she had been ghosting was because she had cancer and had alot to deal with.
I am afraid i immediately called bullshit on this. I was the only one she had told. She is also in a band and I could see from Facebook that she was still performing - basically clear that there was no cancer.
I told original friend and expected her reaction to be the same as mine - total shock that someone could be so messed up as to invent terminal illness to get out of paying back a small amt of money. I even showed her the messages telling me this to prove i wasnt making it up.
Original friend remains friends with Friend B and I can no longer be friends with original friend because i cannot believe someone would think this was an ok way to behave
Original friend recently messaged me to say how much they miss me and my reply was basically that - we cant be friends if you are ok being friends with someone who has conned me and lied about it.

Message is, be friends with those who share your moral code. It might shock you to find out those who do not but there are many screwed up people out there!