AIBU to think 16 year old DS can have girl in bedroom with door shut during day but not sleep overnight?

[Onemandown]

Currently having this row with 16 year old DS as platonic female friend slept in his room last night - I had said fine to stay over but separate rooms - they had stayed up late after I had gone to bed and he said he just nodded off and hadn't meant to stay in with her.

My house rules are it's ok to have a girl in his room with door shut during day, I always knock before going in. He had a lovely girlfriend for a few months at the beginning of the year and I am under no illusions of what they were probably getting up to. However no girls allowed on sleepovers unless in different rooms though, my thinking is that that is very different and I feel a responsibility towards the girls. I don't know his female friend's parents and don't know what they would be happy with or what they have been told about sleeping arrangements. At that age they often don't have the confidence or maturity to be able to say 'stop' or 'no' if things are going further than they want and it's so much harder to do that in the middle of the night in a bed than during the afternoon when the girl could choose to leave the house and go home.

Once he and a future girlfriend are 18, if they are in a relationship for a while then I'm happy to imagine sleeping over will be fine with me. I just don't fancy trying to police this at 16 years old so have I have the 'seperate sleeping rooms for girls, whether girlfriend or platonic friend' rule. DS thinks I'm being old fashioned and not trusting him to know how to behave, thinks I am overreacting. Interested to hear how you choose how to do this and what you do/don't allow - AIBU?

Girls cannot get pregnant during daylight hours

troo fact

YANBU because it’s your house and they are your rules , when your son has his own house and his own children then it’s his turn to make the rules . FWIW we had similar rules when our dc were that age .

my two daughters had boys stay over at 16. I was happy that they felt we would accept their friendships with both boys and girls. once the friendship developed into something more we felt glad they were somewhere safe and comfortable other than a dark alley .

I don’t see the difference between day and night really. I think closed bedroom doors at any time, at that age, would be unwise

I would have the door open during the day tbh and be popping up and down - I have 3 girls and it’s only been this year that long term but still teenage bf has been allowed to stay over. They are being careful and I respect that. Friends are very different and I would trust my child when they tell me it’s platonic. I would however have known that the friend hadn’t gone home so would have asked my child about it at the time.

It's not his decision to make until it's his own house - your house, your house guest, your rules. Tbh though they could have sex in the day time so allowing door closed during the day but not at night doesn't make much sense to me.

You could help the girls out by drilling it into your son that he must NEVER carry on going anywhere sexually if he is not 100% sure the other wants to- they shouldn't get to the point of wanting to say no or stop with him at least. You can still keep your rules, but at least you wouldn't be worrying there was any ambiguity around this issue in your son's mind, which will go a long way to preventing it.

If they are platonic friends then what is the problem? If he wanted to shag her he could do it somewhere else. What are you worried about?

You just have to hope any future girlfriend’s mother does let him stay at hers, because then you lose him!

So you don't trust your son? Yet you raised him and instilled his values. Or do you not trust the girl not to "force herself on him"?
Why are you so sure they would have sex, or if they did, they would be irresponsible about contraception?
I would be more concerned about anyone sleeping over without having spoken to the parents tbh. If they are ok with their child sleeping over, then I would be ok. It only takes a quick call to check they know where/whose home their daughter is in.

FWIW Your rules are whack, sex is also a daytime activity can happen outside of your own home and young people only have to be 16 (whether they are emotionally ready at 16 is another discussion). Try open honest two-way communication with your DS and a little trust.

I think you're very naive. Sex happens 24 hours as does pregnancy and the contracting of sti's.

I hope you've discussed with and raised your son to be responsible and considerate at all times.

Platonic - hmm yea I'm not buying it.

At 16 they're old enough and I am more liberal than you BUT that's your choice - I agree with your house your rules - but they need to be realistic and logical.

For me this raised happy memories of shagging my ex in barracks - which I was allowed in during the day but not at night. The belief being sex only happened at night - ha! I was FAR from the only girlfriend visiting in the day for sex!

My parents have always let me have boys over to sleep in the same bed- when I was 15 I had an 18 year old boyfriend who was allowed to stay the night. Of course now at 22 I wish they had refused due to the age gap, but I imagine 15 year old me would have retaliated and kicked off and just gone back to his house or had sex with him somewhere else- such as somewhere in his car
I think fair enough, your house your rules, but also if they are both 16 and happy/comfortable together I think they are old enough (and legal) to share a room overnight.

Have you actually had an honest conversation with each other.
Until you do, no closed doors.
I may have missed it, but how old is the girl?

Hopefully you’ve raised your son right and discussed consent at length with him? It’s really not your place and quite offensive to your DS to suggest 16 year old girls don’t have the confidence to say ‘stop’ - hopefully your DS will be able to read body language cues anyway.
Daylight or nighttime - if they’re gonna do anything they will do it regardless of the position of the sun.

Mmm seems I am way out of step! I do get many of your points. I have always tried to keep an open discussion about sex and contraception with my son and of course I would like to think he is a good person who would always treat a girl really well. I see the confusion of giving him space and privacy during the day but then saying no to girls sleeping in his bed overnight, to me it just feels we are easing our way through this stage and its a compromise both ways. I'm not daft enough to think he is not having sex or at least sexual experiences in his bedroom already and that's fair enough at his age - hence happy for door to be shut.

I feel 16 year olds lack a lot of maturity and still need some rules in place. I would prefer if a girl was staying over in his bed it was a reasonably serious relationship and not just the girl he was going out with that week. I also worry a 16 year old girl wouldn't be straight with their parents about where she was sleeping - at 18 it's going to be their own business in my mind but until then I still feel a responsibility towards the girls and their parents.

I stand by the fact that boys, however lovely they are, may be pushing girls to go quicker than they are ready and this is easier for a girl to deal with during the day/evening rather than when sleeping over in their bed during the night - here is a different expectation in that scenario? (I know that's painting a stereotype of boys just wanting to shag around and girls being innocent flowers when the opposite can be just as true!) So that is my reasoning behind why I feel sleeping over is a bit different to giving them privacy during the day, I'm sure many of you will still disagree and maybe my thinking is a little flawed. I'll have to think again about all this!

Agree with you OP. Yes they can also have sex during the day, but 2 friends in a room during the day is a completely different context than sleeping at night in the same room. I think you’re taking a sensible position. And I disagree that it means you “don’t trust your son” as if that’s terrible. I think most adults looking back will remember not being entirely truthful in matters of sex or what they do as teenagers. It’s great you’re being protective of the girl too.

You've spoken to him about sex and contraception, you say.

That leaves a LOT else that needs discussed.

Sti's, emotions, consent, porn not being truly representative of reality, body confidence (his AND his partners)...

I'm concerned you say

"I would like to think he is a good person who would always treat a girl really well."

Because that strongly suggests you haven't actually sat him down and discussed consent fully.

There was a programme on BBC a few years ago called "is this rape" (not sure if still available anywhere.

The opinions and beliefs of the young people slightly older than your son about consent were truly SHOCKING!

There seems a LOT of confusion among young people about what constitutes consent, rape, assault etc.

Some of them don't consider oral or anal penetration without consent rape, think it's only non-consensual if the word "no" is actually uttered, that a woman can't say no during the act, that removing a condom during the act is not rape... Geez even much older men claim not to "get it" please don't let your son become like that.

For his sake as much as the woman/girl's I'm sure you wouldn't want to risk him being accused of such a thing.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/sex/talking-about-consent/

For some reason their are a lot of MN who think teens should have run of their home and do what they like

However I am not one if them are your rules then theme your rules

You're absolutely right. Dd's friend had a boy from their class staying at her house as a favour to his parents when they were away on a few occasions. They were 15. It came out later that they were having sex, instigated and manipulated by him, he wasn't interested in her as a girlfriend just as someone to use. Poor girl.

Your son is probably much more honourable and better behaved but for this girl and for her parents, there's no need for her to sleep in his room.

AF pretty much my thoughts.

Hilarious as it is that girls cannot get pregnant during daylight hours , it’s also perfectly true that it doesn’t have to be dark to have sex and it’s perfectly reasonable to allow your teens the privacy to have a sex life between 8am and whatever time your curfew is and still have your house to yourself overnight , for whatever reason that is .

So he can shag in the day just not at night? 🤔

I agree, your house, your rules. Whatever he thinks.
That said, I had enormous amounts of almost silent, enthusiastic sex , mostly during daylight hours, at the age of 16 and my parents knew nothing about it.