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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL is a hoarder

31 replies

Picklepickle123 · 20/05/2018 23:57

My MIL is a lovely lady, she treats me as a daughter and loves my DS. She raised DH with very little help from her husband and is a very strong and resilient woman.

However. She is a hoarder. Her house is dirty and full of stuff. Some of it is rubbish, most of it could be donated to charity or put on Freecycle. DH and I are at a loss on what to do... She won't accept any help and refuses to believe that her house has anything in it which needs to be thrown away.

We don't want to go NC as that doesn't help anyone, but as we now have a young child I hate going over because it feels like a health and safety issue. Does anyone have any advice as to what we can do?

OP posts:

agnurse · 21/05/2018 03:09

I suggest that you don't go to her house and you especially don't take your son there. Hoards can be very dangerous, especially for young children, between the risks of things falling on them, vermin, and the potential for toxic exposure (molds, chemicals, etc.). Maybe arrange to see her elsewhere - in public or at your home.

Unfortunately there probably isn't a lot you can do unless she's willing to accept help. Hoarding is a mental disorder. Even if you cleaned out the entire hoard, she would eventually have it just as bad if not worse than before.

You will have to watch that she doesn't start pushing her hoard on you. This has been known to happen. For example, she might give you or your son a gift that's really unsuitable and then complain because you got rid of it. In her mind, that's her property. If you didn't want it you should have given it back to her. You might have to set firm boundaries around gifts, especially gifts that have been kept in her home as they might not be safe.

NameChangedForThisQ · 21/05/2018 03:14

I agree just meet elsewhere or at your home.

Original poster

Picklepickle123 · 21/05/2018 07:54

It's just so frustrating that she's blind to all of it! We don't want to rock the boat too much but at the same time are worried about her own health.

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 21/05/2018 08:08

It depends on what you call hoarding though. My db thinks I am a hoarder because I haven't got rid of my books, CDs, Vinyls, ornaments etc as he has. He thinks my Mum has too much stuff in her kitchen. He can mind his own business imo.

Is she really a hoarder; so piles of stuff teetering everywhere, newspapers going back to the 70s, broken furniture etc, or d o especially she just have too much stuff for your liking?

MrsDilber · 21/05/2018 08:15

Can't see any reason to go NC with her. You don't have to go to her home though.

NoStraightEdges · 21/05/2018 08:19

Hoarding is a very delicate issue. And o e that often can't be resolved. All you can do is offer her continued support. Don't call her stuff rubbish, she will just think you don't understand.

Get her round to yours to see you, don't go there if it's not safe. Be kind if she asks why you've stopped going. You can sometimes get the fire service to go and have a look in case of a fire risk but with the cuts and stuff there pretty hard pressed for time.

MarthasGinYard · 21/05/2018 08:23

'We don't want to go NC'

I should bloody hope not

she treats you like a dd and loves your ds but is a messy hoarder. Get over it. Her house her domain.

Invite her to your house or meet elsewhere?

Do other stuff together.

MarthasGinYard · 21/05/2018 08:26

Also there can be many takes on what being a 'hoarder' actually is. I hear it banded round so much.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 21/05/2018 08:27

I agree with the others, just don't go there, see her at your house instead.

I've got a couple of friends who live in shitholes - I socialise with them anywhere apart from their homes - wouldn't dream of going NC with them.

LakieLady · 21/05/2018 08:35

My late parents were hoarders. Clearing their house out after they'd gone was the worst thing I've ever had to do. They hoarded all sorts of packaging, "in case it came in useful" and I could have opened a bubble wrap shop with the amount they had.

If Milton Keynes tip had given air miles, I'd have been able to fly round the world, I took so much stuff up there.

I also sometimes have to work with clients who are hoarders, and it's really hard to get them to change. It takes years, our method is to start out just getting the throw one or two things away. Then you visit the following week, and they've replaced that couple of things with another half a dozen, so things are worse.

One of my colleagues has a client whose hoarding is so severe that he buys clothes from charity shops because he can't physically get in his kitchen to do any laundry, it is piled high with stuff. He can't use his bedroom either, and sleeps on the sofa.

It is believed to be anxiety related and can be a reaction to trauma. My mum was scared to throw away any paper - newspapers, junk mail, shopping lists - in case it was something "important".

It requires really sensitive handling, as the process of decluttering can be so traumatic for the hoarder.

Original poster

Picklepickle123 · 21/05/2018 08:39

No, this isn't having too much stuff. Everywhere is filthy, and there is no order or logic to where things are - they're just piled around the house, shoved in cupboards etc. I didn't know there was a cupboard under the stairs for four years because there's so much stuff in front of it. She doesnt let anyone help her either before I get accused of being mean. We live a fair distance away and she doesn't drive, so it's sometimes difficult not to go to her house.

I want her in our lives and have NEVER spoken disparagingly about the state of her house and her stuff to her - I appreciate it's a sensitive issue. I'm just looking for some advice as to how we can try and support her to see what is happening. We went recently to try and enjoy the good weather with her and the garden is full of stuff e.g. old car parts, mouldy food, so it just felt uncomfortable. DH has said we're not to go round anymore, as DS is crawling and it's unsafe, and we'll plan to meet in other locations. I just don't know how feasible that is, and whether she will be offended by it.

OP posts:

GetOffTheTableMabel · 21/05/2018 08:49

You can’t go to her house with your ds. It’s sad but it’s a fact and I think you should be honest with her. It is more respectful to say “it’s not right for ds to visit you at home because he is crawling, putting things in his mouth and it’s not safe for him” than it is to make excuses or to avoid her. I think as long you say “we love you and we’re not criticising, we’re just doing what’s right for ds & we know you want him to be safe too” then it’ll be ok. It might cause her to consider her home through someone else’s eyes.
It’s awkward but really the choices are 1. go nc (clearly an over-reaction), 2. Continue to take your ds to her house (not safe), 3. Try and always meet her someone else without being honest (unsustainable, she’s going to see what you’re doing even if she can’t tell why), 4. Be honest, but with compassion.

mayhew · 21/05/2018 08:50

If it was like this when DH was a child she is unlikely to change.
If it's recent, then she might have some insight that will permit some conversation.
My brother lives in a squalid house and hoards. It's a combination of physical and mental health issues. He reluctantly agrees it is not good but evades all attempts to get him some help. None of us go in there.

Fluffyears · 21/05/2018 08:51

My mil has drawers and cupboards crammed with ‘stuff’ but keeps buying more. My dm lives in a shit tip of just stuff and dirt, I grew up in a filthy, messy home and vowed mine would always be tidy.

Fluffyears · 21/05/2018 08:52

Posted too early, it’s probably too late to get her to change but just don’t go to her house.

GreyCloudsToday · 21/05/2018 08:58

I wonder if your DC crawling might actually give you a way into the delicate discussion?

You know, "DC is crawling now perhaps we could help you lift some stuff up off the ground and give the floor a little once over" sort of thing. Obvs this is easier if it's washable flooring etc.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/05/2018 09:31

I wouldn't take a small child into a true hoarder's house... If there genuinely is not a sofa /floor free where there isn't piles of stuff teetering around us.... If I was to quantify... If there was a metre radius around us I would not want anything higher than a metre on the edge of this 'exclusion' zone... It's just too dangerous...

Sad to say but hoarders rarely recover,, the stuff we see as rubbish, to them it has a profound deep meaning.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/05/2018 09:34

It's actually a tragic illness to have... At one point was thought to be related to OCD- type illnesses.

Rarely does the hoarder seek help, it's often their partners, children.
If they do come into services, it's often as a crisis. Or if they do approach primary services it's because their relationships are at breaking point

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 21/05/2018 09:45

It's a complex mental illness and she won't be able to deal with it alone. She's currently in denial.
I agree with pp, don't meet there, arrange visits elsewhere.
I'm a level 1 hoarder and not in denial about it, you can find more info online. www.aftermath.com/content/hoarding-levels

Vinorosso74 · 21/05/2018 09:53

My FIL is a hoarder and we couldn't take DD when she was little. DP did speak to him to explain he needed to sort a room out to be safer. He did but things gradually started creeping back in although not as bad as it was. It is so dusty though.
I do wonder how long it will take to clear once he dies as each room has so much stuff.

Original poster

Picklepickle123 · 21/05/2018 16:11

@vinorosso74 Did you FIL mind when you told him you weren't going round anymore? I'm afraid because my MIL doesn't realise she has a problem, she will be offended we don't go there anymore.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 21/05/2018 16:17

I wouldn’t actually say that we weren’t going there, simply arrange meet ups somewhere else or at home. If she asks say you’ve toddler proofed and want to be careful ( possibly say a friend’s toddler had an accident).

DH can still pop over. Has the problem got worse recently or are you just more aware of it? Unfortunately it’s very common but very, very difficult to change this.

Vinorosso74 · 21/05/2018 17:02

DP just said he needed to have one room which was safe and clear for DD if he wanted us to visit. I think his partner may have done most of the clearing out though.

Figmentofmyimagination · 21/05/2018 18:34

It's very tricky. My mum became a hoarder as a reaction to my dad's early and unexpected death. It's all very well suggesting you meet elsewhere - and that's a good idea - but sometimes the hoarding combines with a kind of agoraphobic attachment to the belongings, that makes it very difficult for the hoarder to go out. Also, they are always 'busy' tidying their stuff (moving it from one place to another and 'organising' it eg sorting clothes into types and colours and states of disrepair and then ripping up particular colours to make 'useful' rags for cleaning etc). And then there is the shame. You are lucky you are allowed in the house.

BarbarianMum · 21/05/2018 18:46

It can't be helped if she's offended. It's not safe for your ds, so you can't go. End of. If she really wants to see you she'll meet elsewhere. Your job is to protect your ds.

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