MIL is a hoarder

[Picklepickle123]

My MIL is a lovely lady, she treats me as a daughter and loves my DS. She raised DH with very little help from her husband and is a very strong and resilient woman.

However. She is a hoarder. Her house is dirty and full of stuff. Some of it is rubbish, most of it could be donated to charity or put on Freecycle. DH and I are at a loss on what to do... She won't accept any help and refuses to believe that her house has anything in it which needs to be thrown away.

We don't want to go NC as that doesn't help anyone, but as we now have a young child I hate going over because it feels like a health and safety issue. Does anyone have any advice as to what we can do?

I have this problem with my DM. I have stopped going there and arrange to meet her at mine or in a restaurant. She's had this issue since I was a child and it's gradually grown worse. I now recognise that it's a mental condition and she is not going to change as she is too set in her ways. She had the choice of slowly sorting out her house (with my help) and having a real relationship with her GC but would rather live in squalor. I've learnt not to waste energy on things that are out of my control.

Don't go NC, just meet elsewhere. because I know how stressful this situation is!

And then there is the shame. You are lucky you are allowed in the house.

My mother avoided me visiting for years. She would cancel at the last minute, pleading migraine or similar. I was horrified when she eventually let me visit. It had got so much worse - every surface was just covered with stuff except for my dad's chair and mum's sofa.

When my father was admitted to hospital for his last days, I had to go and stay there. By this time, they both had dementia, and things were so chaotic. Mum had stopped going up to bed, because every surface in the bedroom was covered in clothes and stuff, except for my dad's side of the bed. She slept on the sofa. They had no hot water, and my mum was too ashamed to have a workman round to fix the boiler.

It was pitiful, and it really upset me, but also made me angry. My mother had always been such a capable, organised woman, I just couldn't accept it. She was only 13 years older than I am now, and I'm terrified of getting like her. I think the hoarding thing really started with my dad, and she was powerless to do anything about it.

Why on earth would you go NC with her just because she's a hoarder?

Just don't go to her house, and let her visit you instead.

This is a useful resource for assessing how bat it is

hoardingdisordersuk.org/research-and-resources/clutter-image-ratings/

If it’s anything above a 3 then I’d suggest meeting her outside of her house as there will be a health risk (mould, fire, falling piles of crap)

Just a quick update, DH has spoken to her and said we are not coming round her house, but at BIL's instead, and she is welcome to play with DS there. When he explained why, she insisted that it would all be tidy by the time of our next visit which is three weeks away.

She genuinely can't see how dirty the house is! On the link that was sent, I think she's a four, maybe teetering on a five in some of the other rooms. It doesn't help that DH's oldest nieces and nephews have always been allowed round with nothing being said - mainly because DH's older brother shares the same traits and doesn't see anything wrong with it either! They only visit five or six times a year though so SIL just puts up with it. She deliberately dresses her kids in old clothes when they visit so she can throw them out afterwards.

I feel a little bit stressed about the whole thing, because it's so unhygienic for a child! I know DH will buckle eventually because he has a soft spot for his mum and isn't going to start a fued.

You might need to find some online psychological references to hoarding and explain to him that: a) she's not going to change, unless she wants to, and b) her home isn't safe. Your child is not BIL's child. If he wants to put his children at risk, that's his choice. But it doesn't have to be yours.