To think these are red flags?

[Indigoxo]

I've been talking with a 'friend of a friend' online so although we haven't met yet i was fairly sure he'd be ok and not an axe murderer We arranged a date for next weekend.

The problem is he suddenly upped his ante and taken to messaging me non stop from morning until night every day of the week, even whilst he's at work. If i don't reply in a timely manner it begins again, starting with "are you ok?". He messages me so often i've now lost all interest in him and its put me right off.

He asks what i'm eating, what i'm doing all day, what i'm watching on TV. He's sending long sloppy messages pouring his heart out telling me what a gentle and genuine guy he is, how he will treat me right, how his ex was a gold digger who left him for another man but he can tell i'm nothing like her. He apparently can't stop thinking about me and feels as though he can tell me anything. We have never seen each other in person and only chatted on a superficial level, never anything deep (at least not from me). He spends a lot of time trying to convince me of how genuine and sweet he is.

Now i've resided myself to the fact we aren't compatible as i can't deal with clingy people, but aibu to think these were potential red flags? After being in a long relationship with a raging narcissist i'm extremely suspicious of anybody who comes on this strong so soon

I haven't even given him my mobile number as I wasn't going to until we met and got along so far all correspondence has been on Facebook so easy to block I just didn't wanna seem drastic just in case he was just a bit insecure and clingy.

This morning's message consists of " good morning hope you have a good day. Are you having anything for breakfast? I'm having a coffee it's hot but not as hot as you"

I know. Cringe

Firstly, super restrict him on FB.

Then reply to this morning's message:

'Fine thanks, just some toast for breakfast. Quick start today as I'm popping to church this morning with a friend - haven't had a chance to get any church time in for a while now and am really missing the guidance. Hope you are ok.'

Then reply to the inevitable questions along the lines of:

'Oh yes it's a huge part of my life, I'm pretty busy these days but socially it's something that figures a lot, I am part of a very close strong group in that regard, we do pray together but like to have fun too! People that will always come first to me, over any relationship, I have to say - and would be there defending me against anyone trying to hurt me lol. Maybe you could try it out some time.'

Fizzy, I don't get the long church-related texts. Is it to suggest OP gives him the impression she has a strong support group to put him off? Or is it to suggest she isn't available sexually? Or that she is a church nerd and therefore should be avoided? . I hope it's not the last of these!

[Grin] love those suggestions

Yes alderman ha

Just block drama over then

If you are concerned as he is a friend of a friend send message I am not interested in a relationship/friendship good luck then block

Don’t get into any reasons why or any conversations with him

Just block him Op, you do not have to engage or communicate with him in any manner.

If he ends up harassing you speak to the police.

Trying being honest with him. Say he's being OTT & you'd rather not continue. He's probably not a mind reader and won't know to leave you alone if you don't say. After all, if he was a female acquaintance you'd have been told that you weren't allowed to ghost her and had to explain yourself!

She doesn’t owe him and explanation or does she need to fix he error of his ways

Don’t engage you will just be pulled further in to his issues

Sounds exactly like my ex. Turned out to be a complete narc and cost a fortune in counselling for me to get over it. I mistook it for him being really in to me and thinking he was my soul mate. Don't make the mistake I did

Fizzy, I don't get the long church-related texts. Is it to suggest OP gives him the impression she has a strong support group to put him off? Or is it to suggest she isn't available sexually? Or that she is a church nerd and therefore should be avoided? confused. I hope it's not the last of these!

First two, 95%. Mainly the first - that she has the kind of very strong support group that he wouldn't be able to penetrate as it's likely to be totally alien to him (whereas if it were the mates down the pub he'd probably feel confident that he could soon infiltrate, cosy up to the women and charm them and soon sow the seeds of 'he was coming on to you' with any male friends). But church friends you pray with? Um - wouldn't know where to start with that...

Secondly, yep hints that she might take a relationship very seriously in a way that doesn't fit with his ideas, especially around sex. A good putter-offer (especially if she is surrounded by like-minded friends).

The last? Yes, a bit - but only because to a man like that, any suggestion that she might be the kind of person to have what he'd think of as a 'boring' or 'nerdy' social life which he can't easily penetrate would put him off big time. However for this, to me you could easily swap 'Christian, very church active' for 'utter cycling nut, you'll never see me on the weekend' or 'fanatical beekeeper, all my friends keep bees and when wer'e not talking about bees, we're knitting bee-themed cosies'... basically anything which implies strong niche group. But, disclaimer, I know quite a few very committed Christians of several flavours and they're friends I respect and love spending time with, so no, no 'weirdo Christian' thing here.

Remembering now my good friend who goes to a very full-on evangelical church once saying that advertising the fact she's a member was indeed a great way of getting rid of creeps...

@Indigoxo Next time he asks you a question, say 'No'. when he asks for information say you're too busy to deal with it now. If he says he likes curries tell him you hate them and anything spicy. And if he's allergic to cats tell him your hobby is breeding and showing cats...

Start being non compliant. It has to be his idea to dump you so get cracking on being Unsuitable!

As much as I find the Christian idea quite funny I think directness is the best approach.

“Hello X, I’ve had a think, and due to current personal circumstances and your excessive contact needs making me uncomfortable, I’m not interested in dating you or staying in contact. I won’t be communicating with you any further or replying to any of your messages. Y”

And leave it. Coming up with excuses that are obviously fake gives him more wiggle room and IF it ever gets to the stage where you need to make an official complaint it muddies the waters a bit?

I'd go with Mirivan's suggestion. Tell him you're bi polar and therefore you agree, you won't be compatible!

RUN , scarper , begone , disappear , vamoose , scat , scram , vanish , do one ,
Tell him you are going to try to get back with your ex because he has just won some cash and you want your share even though you know you are not entitled to any , hopefully he will see you as a gold digger and make him self scares

I have never known a genuinely nice man to actually describe himself as a nice. If someone is innately good they don't feel the need to point it out to anyone. If I hear a man proclaim that he treats women well (and often in a tone that suggests he his doing womankind a favour by doing so) I can almost guarantee he's a twat.

OP, I really wouldn't bother with long explanations. He sounds like the type of person who will refute each point and pull you into endless discussions about why you are wrong/he is perfect for you etc. He clearly has time on his hands so don't underestimate his capacity to drag this out. He may become verbally abusive. Just block him and leave it at that.

Definitely self proclaimed "nice" guys are utterly awful. No ability to reflect on or notice their personal flaws. Everyone is flawed. Everyone needs to put themselves first sometimes. Someone who is convinced they are some chivalrous knight is wrong.

PS I don't believe in sex before marriage and have yet to meet a man that measures up to Jesus.

This is absolutely brilliant.

Dear god. Well done OP on saving yourself a minimum of several months of head-messing and potentially scary behaviour. I'm sure you're heading for the hills as we speak. He sounds very very strange and all the declarations of what a fantastic guy he is just give me the creeps. I think a clear reply saying that this is not working for you and there will be no more contact and then block is a good idea.

Sounds like 'lovebombing'. Read the 'Baggage reclaim' website about this red flag.

1. Constant contact - red flag
2. Irritated or nervous when no reply within a short period of time - red flag
3. Slags off his ex and calls her crazy/money grabbing/tricked him into being a Dad - red flag
4. Constantly tells you how kind/caring/fun/genuine/sincere he is - red flag
5. Declares love or devotion in a very short period of time - red flag
6. Wants to know where you are and what you are doing - red flag.

Block him!! I met a guy online on Friday had a nice chat initially and the next thing he’s messaging me asking to meet up and have a phone call every five mins!! The best part was him telling me he was having breakfast in his patio and when we’re boyfriend and girlfriend we can do that together. This was on Monday I blocked him after that..