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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these are red flags?

75 replies

Indigoxo · 20/05/2018 23:26

I've been talking with a 'friend of a friend' online so although we haven't met yet i was fairly sure he'd be ok and not an axe murderer Grin We arranged a date for next weekend.

The problem is he suddenly upped his ante and taken to messaging me non stop from morning until night every day of the week, even whilst he's at work. If i don't reply in a timely manner it begins again, starting with "are you ok?". He messages me so often i've now lost all interest in him and its put me right off.

He asks what i'm eating, what i'm doing all day, what i'm watching on TV. He's sending long sloppy messages pouring his heart out telling me what a gentle and genuine guy he is, how he will treat me right, how his ex was a gold digger who left him for another man but he can tell i'm nothing like her. He apparently can't stop thinking about me and feels as though he can tell me anything. We have never seen each other in person and only chatted on a superficial level, never anything deep (at least not from me). He spends a lot of time trying to convince me of how genuine and sweet he is.

Now i've resided myself to the fact we aren't compatible as i can't deal with clingy people, but aibu to think these were potential red flags? After being in a long relationship with a raging narcissist i'm extremely suspicious of anybody who comes on this strong so soon Hmm

OP posts:
Ruffian · 21/05/2018 00:20

Him...

To think these are red flags?
MumofBoysx2 · 21/05/2018 00:22

Eeek! On the up side he didn't add 'hun' to the R U OK. But everything else sounds a bit off. He sounds like hard work!

PintOfMineralWater · 21/05/2018 00:33

Jesus, agree with everyone else. Your instincts are totally bang on. Run like the wind.

Anyone who goes on and on about how "genuine" and "lovely" they are is almost guaranteed to be just the opposite.

thegreatbeyond · 21/05/2018 00:39

Really, don't!

To think these are red flags?
Ellie56 · 21/05/2018 00:48

Oh God he sounds like a nightmare. Run for the hills!

Original poster
Indigoxo · 21/05/2018 01:01

I went through all the 'love bombing' with my ex, of course i didn't know what it was back then so i chalked it up to him just being overly keen. This does seem similar, i'm really cautious these days so think i just needed to hear i wasn't falsely labelling this guy for just being odd and clingy as i know not everybody who spam messages and talks bollocks will be a narc.

Had a chuckle to some of your replies Grin

OP posts:
Allabitmuchisntit · 21/05/2018 01:05

I’m astounded you are able to even type op, what with the sea of red flags you are engulfed in.

Original poster
Indigoxo · 21/05/2018 01:06

@UpstartCrow what do you recommend? Wink

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 21/05/2018 01:10

Enough red flags to make bunting.

OnTheList · 21/05/2018 01:11

Sounds like you have lost interest anyway, small mercies I guess.

Yeah, th slagging off the ex and trying to convince you (in an OTT way) that hes 'sweet and genuine' would be huge red flags for me.

Monty27 · 21/05/2018 01:34

He sounds unhinged. Run. Fast.

agnurse · 21/05/2018 03:01

Pushing for quick involvement is a big red flag for a potential abuser. It sounds as though you found this out before you met him in person and we can all be thankful for that.

Sproutpie · 21/05/2018 03:15

Completely agree that the sound you can hear are flags flapping in the breeze. However I fear it may not be as easy to ditch him as you think. He could turn into a total stalker if you just dump him. Start putting him off you so he dumps you. Much safer in the long run. Please don’t meet up with him. Start to withdraw now.

FelicitationsFacilitations · 21/05/2018 04:45

Terrible. I'm not a great red flag spotter but even i can see these. I totally agree with the others that think it wont be easy to get rid if him and the stalk potential is strong with this one. Can you convince a burly friend to pretend to be your possessive and threatening ex who suddenly wanted you back maybe? Grin

babycham75 · 21/05/2018 08:00

I've known someone like this.
Completely over the top before we had even met face to face. Totally overwhelmed me with the promises, the romance, etc etc until I was so emotionally involved that I became physically ill.
He started to use sex as a weapon and told me there was no relationship unless I kept up with his demands. Wanted to watch me have sex with someone else.
He quickly met someone else and seems to have followed the same pattern.
His string of failed relationships/marriage should have alarmed me.
Run!!!!!

Oysterbabe · 21/05/2018 08:06

I'd be honest with him. Tell him that he's come on far too strong and that on reflection you don't think you are compatible. Then block.

Ruffian · 21/05/2018 08:32

Sorry for being silly on your thread OP which is actually a really serious subject - too much sun and Wine this weekend!

Foreverthinking · 21/05/2018 09:35

Christ Babycham what an utter bastard, im sorry Flowers some parts of what you said reminded me of my twisted ex too.

I woke up to more messages from him this morning being all nice of course. if he hadn't already asked me what my relationship with my child's father is like and I hadn't of said we are amicable and get along I could have used him as a get out of jail card Hmm

really stuck as to what to say as like some of you have pointed out it's not always so easy to get rid of somebody like this and I don't want to end up with a stalker on my case. I've been there before and it's not pretty. Any ideas as to what I can say to him to soften the Blow without causing offence as before he started acting strange I did tell him I was interested and looking forward to meeting

Foreverthinking · 21/05/2018 09:37

I am OP by the way, I have two usernames on here as I'm known by one of them to family who use the site and prefer they don't see certain things I write

Basta · 21/05/2018 09:42

Anyone who describes themselves as "genuine" is usually a genuine arsehole.

Nikephorus · 21/05/2018 09:43

Pushing for quick involvement is a big red flag for a potential abuser
And it can also be a big neon sign for someone who lacks self-confidence. Not everyone is an abuser waiting to pounce. Granted OP may not want to try dating someone lacking in self-confidence but I do wish everyone would stop jumping on the abuser bandwagon and consider that sometimes people are just insecure & not as full of themselves as some Mumsnetters seem to be.

ConciseandNice · 21/05/2018 09:44

God I’d be so scared of stalker stuff so I think you need to tread carefully. My abusive ex was a narcissist (and possibly a psychopath), so i recognise the red flags too. How about a text saying that he obviously deserves someone really great and committed, but that you don’t feel you’re in the right emotional space to be that person. Try to make him not feel like you’re criticising him?

UpstartCrow · 21/05/2018 09:54

Its not OP's problem to work out if he is potentially controlling or just anxious. It is her job to stay safe.
We don't teach our kids to give adults the benefit of the doubt either. Its not that we think everyone is an abuser, and taking offence at basic precautions is a bizarre reaction.

Dont confuse risk assessment with being up yourself. Especially not when we live in a culture that blames women when something does go wrong, and then blames them again for not leaving fast enough.

Foreverthinking · 21/05/2018 10:01

Another flag for me was when he said in jest "you're all mine now" now it was a joke the way it was said, but things like that coupled with other red flags certainly raise eyebrows. He is insecure and needy at best or a wolf in sheep's clothing worst case scenario. I'm not quite sure which at the minute but I'm leaning more toward the latter

kissthealderman · 21/05/2018 10:01

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