To think that divorce is too much of an upheaval

[NeverhaveI]

Too much of an upheaval for my dc that I just have to suck it up and accept my life is a miserable farce.

Unhappy marriages are no place for a kid OP - you can be great parents and not be together. Your life and happiness is important too and you shouldn't just let that go when the alternative could be better for all of you.

I understand your thought process but the effects on your DC from this relationship can be much worse in the long run ? Easier said than done as I don’t know your circumstances OP.

They're a short term inconvenience, compared to a miserable existence, which teaches your kids that unhappy relationships are all you and they are worth.

How bad is the relationships? Loveless but friendly and respectful? Or genuinely miserable and acrimonious?

I worry that my dc’s will hate me for ruining their lives because I’m thinking of myself and not them.
A divorce would mean them moving house and school and it would be all my fault. How can I do that to them.

There is no love in the relationship at all and we just kind of avoid each other.

There's worse in a child's life than moving house and school.

Why do you want to leave your marriage?

I watched my parents be in a loveless relationship with no future for years. That did me more harm than them separating when I was at uni. My brother was 8 years younger and it definitely would have done him more harm if they’d still been together.
Hope it helps OP, divorce isn’t always the end of the world.

It's a poor example to set for your DCs for what a relationship ought to be like.

Have you spoken to your DH?

How does he feel about your relationship?

A few years ago my stepdaughter told me it was better to be from a broken home than live in one, it's taken me two more years to realise she's right and that her siblings deserve a happy home with me & their(her) dad apart.

Can the children sense your unhappiness? If not now there will come a time when they do.

My parents separated when I was 10 and I can honestly say it's the best thing they did. They should have done it years earlier before they got bitter.

There is no love in the relationship at all and we just kind of avoid each other.

I know a couple who did this for a few years and remember thinking that it was so sad that their DC`s model for a relationship was parents who never touched and barely spoke. Happily divorced is MUCH healthier.

I’m another child of parents who finally got divorced about 7 years after they should have, and the divorce is the best thing they ever did. Before then, they couldn’t even be in the same room, I barely saw my dad cause he worked all hours, they were both thoroughly miserable. Post divorce they both have new partners, they’re both much happier and more relaxed.

Your children won’t thank you for staying in a miserable marriage for their sake. The short term upheaval of divorce and moving house and school is horrible yes. But still a better choice than living the rest of their childhood in a home where both parents hate each other and are miserable, kids feel that and it makes them miserable too.

In the interest of full disclosure: my parents are not divorced and happy after 50+ years together; H and I are separated and about to divorce, we have 4 DCs, aged 15 to 8.

IMO and IME, it is not so much that parents separate, it's how they separate.

AND - we moved house (and therefore schools) 4x before I was 8. It was fine. Once we were settled in the house that my parents still live in now I asked when we were finally going to move again once 3 years and passed

What RL support do you have? Anybody you can speak to?
Relate will counsel individuals, not just couples.

It depends on your marriage and whether there's hope things may change I. The future. If not then it needs to be handled carefully by both sides - a painful drawn out acrimonious divorce is equally upsetting. My parents had a v acrimonious divorce when I was 18 and despite being grown up enough to understand both sides it took about 15yrs to really calm down and it is difficult now with my children (their grandchildren) and family events. It is still upsetting for me (caveat of no DV in parents relationship and I knew no different in arguing, even now I don't think they argued any more than anyone else)

I can’t quite believe i’m going to say this but I echo the views above. I split from DH a year ago, almost exactly. Kids are very young - 5 and 2. It’s been the hardest thing I have ever lived through, and I am still not ‘over’ it - not sure if I ever will be.

BUT. I was raised in a marriage of conflict, bitterness, constant rows and (IMO) emotional abuse. My parents are still together!! But are they happy? Well I don’t know, but it doesn’t look like it. And it has left its mark on me and my brother in different ways.

The damage that arises from relationships ending isn’t from divorce per se, it’s from animosity. I get on better with DH now than when we were together. We’ve just had a perfectly friendly phone call about choosing a nursery for our youngest. We agreed on what we thought was best. He’s a good dad. He sees the the kids twice weekly and I go and do my own thing (they live with me).

Divorce doesn’t have to be the end of the world for the kids if you handle it right. It isn’t selfish. Sometimes it’s the right decision, even if everything in your soul wishes it wasn’t (and fwiw mine does). But some marriages don’t work. You’re not alone. x

Thank you all so much for your comments. I feel very alone with it. I have good close friends but non with kids so ha d for them to relate. Family wise I only have my mum who is twice divorced (nasty divorces) who hates all things couple / family / men related, so impossible to talk to objectively.
Dh will not entertain the divorce idea, he doesn’t want it at all, god know why. I have tried talking to him sensibly about it but he wants us to remain together as a family at all costs.
Part of me really wishes he’d meet someone else so would feel like he could move on.

My DD2 has a friends whose parents divorced when she was very young and co-parent beautifully. They are friends, they get on, they agree they should never have got married and are happy with new partners. I also have a friend whose XH is a complete arse, doesn't pay maintenance, has gone above and beyond to make her miserable.

And in both cases, the divorce has benefited the DCs.

I'm in the process of divorcing my alcoholic H - I want him to recover, I want him to be happy, but he cannot do it in our lives. We haven't had to move, but we have less money than we used to. We are also happier as a family of 3 than we have been for years. STBXH and I don't communicate much because of his addiction and depression, but I bear him no ill will.

I think you and your H should work towards an amicable divorce; this will be better for all of you.

How can you possibly waste this precious life of YOURS married to someone you avoid. Martyrdom is over rated and no one, including your children, will thank you for it afterwards. Get off the cross. LEAVE (yes it will be hard but so are lots of worthwhile things); appreciate your good fortune in having your children and your health and bloody well live happy life.

It doesn't matter if your husband doesn't want a divorce, he can't stop you leaving, and you will be able to divorce him in a few years.

Do not stay for the children! It will cause them more harm long term than a divorce will.

I wonder if seeing you choose happiness would be a really good thing for your children.
I’d rather kids move house and school than grow up thinking relationships that are a
Empty shell are the norm.

I will forever be grateful my parents divorced. They get on SO much better now. For a while before they did it I remember the deathly silences and tension like a cloud hanging over us all. It was shit.

The feeling of relief when they told us they didn’t love each other anymore and were splitting up was immense. I was so bloody grateful they’d stopped lying.

Yes, we had crappy times afterwards, we moved house and changed schools and things weren’t easy but they were so much better overall. These days they’re great friends and we all Christmas together! 20 odd years ago no one would have thought it possible.

I’m also a SM and my DSC have said how living in two homes is sometimes annoying but so worth it to have happy parents.

From both ends of the spectrum, a child having divorced parents is often a lot better adjusted and happier than one living with patents who dislike, despise, hate, ignore each other. No one ever plans on getting divorced but you’ll get through it and there’ll be a light at the end of tunnel, not just a lifetime of tunnel.

My DB and his ex splitting was the best thing for everyone. They co-parent well, and he attended her wedding to a lovely chap who makes her and the children happy.

I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
My name is on the mortgage, I pay half and half the bills. Can I move out and apply for another mortgage? He will never agree to me coming off the mortgage of the house we live in currently, especially as he doesn’t want this to happen. How can I make it happen with minimum fuss?