Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Whether to leave?

54 replies

Loulou0906 · 20/05/2018 15:06

I've never posted before but here goes. Been with DP for 15 years, two kids 13 and 8. Everything in his name, money all his. Earns 60+ a year, I earn 8k. As I chose to work part time to be around for kids. I am struggling so much with money. I'm getting into debt as he expects me to pay 1/2 bills plus clothes for kids, lunch money's, school trips, birthdays and xmas. Always been this way. On top of that does nothing about house and I mean NOTHING!!! Will make himself a sandwich for lunch not me or kids. NEVER washes up or tidies i even do the garden and cars. Strangely enough, I still love him or maybe I'm too scared to be alone. But it can't continue. Tried talking but on deaf ears. Now he wants to go on a two week holiday costing 6k and wants me to pay half. I burst out crying and said I can't afford it. He said I'm lying that I have no money, asked what I do with my money? Seriously. I still own my old house and rent it, not much of an income from it. No tenant in there at the moment but will be in 2 weeks as ive arranged new tenant so it's decision time. So scared to upset my children/ruin them. My 13 year old is hard work. BTW we're not married. Please......I need advice!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/05/2018 15:11

I couldn't live with that much disrespect!!! You would get significant CM from him so should be able to cope financially???

I would stop paying 50% of the bills now and tell him you can no longer afford it and tell him to evict you and the DC...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/05/2018 15:27

OP your thread has really upset me. Your husband is abusing you financially. As daunting as it is to think about leaving I honestly think you should seriously think about it.

A kind and loving husband doesn't do what he's doing. His behaviour is appalling.

Do you have anyone in RL that can support you?

Original poster
Loulou0906 · 20/05/2018 15:39

I do have support my parents very good. They know some of what goes on. Very much believe any decision has to be mine. I also have a couple of good friends. I'd be mortified if they knew what went on behind closed doors. To the outside all they see is a nice house. He dresses nicely, likes designer clothes (kids too). I buy nothing for me. I can't afford it. Do I tell the new tenant they can't have the house and I move back? How do I tell him? When is the right time. Always a reason I can't go, can't ruin DS birthday. Not before kids school assessments, after family wedding!

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 20/05/2018 15:42

Pack up your stuff and leave. He's abusive, you have nothing to your name barring your own house in a sense so much easier to leave. You'll actually be better off with CM then staying there

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/05/2018 15:42

Ok deep breaths. Could you go and talk to your parents tonight? Tell them that you're thinking of giving back word to the tenants.

A problem shared is a problem halved.

I know it's daunting and you probably think it's easier to say nothing and carry on living with him, but this is no life OP. He's not putting you first or being kind the way a husband who loves his wife should.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 20/05/2018 15:42

Oh my god!

This man is cruel. Why you have allowed him to treat you this way for years is crazy

Please go. And make an application to the csa, tax credits, child benefit, council tax

You will suddenly feel a bit richer

Imagine if he had to pay you £300 per month!

GreenTulips · 20/05/2018 15:50

Yep stop dithering and leave.

Nothing so far has made him sit up and think. You own a home - is it big enough to take the kids?

His wealth will be worthless without a slave at home to do his bidding.

You could just trial a 6 month separation and see how things stand one step at a Tim

beltanewalk · 20/05/2018 15:51

Starting over is a scary thing OP and I know how it feels to be in your situation as I was many years ago with my ex. But you are being abused and the fact is he is not going to change.

Leaving my abusive ex was the best thing I ever did. Since then I have rebuilt my life, and achieved so much that I never thought I could do. I lost all confidence when I was in an abusive relationship.

I know its a very difficult decision to make, my daughter is now grown up and has always supported my decision. You have the support of your parents and loved ones. You really can come out of the other side of this as daunting as it sounds.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/05/2018 15:53

Is the house rented? Or owned? Mortgaged? Are the bills in his name? I think I’d tell him that you’re going to lay in proportion to your incomes from now on. I wouldn’t rush to leave, although the prospect of your other house to move in to is attractive. See if you can get advice from Women’s Aid/CAB

MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 20/05/2018 15:54

This is not a marriage of equals, he considers you a housekeeper/childminder which enables his lifestyle.

What’s his thinking behind splitting everything 50/50 when your earnings are wildly disproportionate?

user1493413286 · 20/05/2018 15:55

Financially you’ll probably be better away from him as he’ll have to pay child support and make sure you don’t allow him to not give you what is owed.
I would feel that the person didn’t respect me if I was treated that way so I wouldn’t be able to stay.

Eliza9917 · 20/05/2018 16:00

Imagine if he had to pay you £300 per month!

It will be more than that, I know someone on about 42k pa and they have to pay £550pm.

GalwayWayfarer · 20/05/2018 16:05

This is very upsetting. Your partner is financially abusing you. I honesty think you would be better off without him - you can't go on as you are with him treating you so badly.

notapizzaeater · 20/05/2018 16:13

He is abusing you

How long is the new tenant for ?

Grilledaubergines · 20/05/2018 16:19

Leave and don’t look back. Give it a couple of weeks and you’ll kick yourself that you didn’t do it earlier.

Original poster
Loulou0906 · 20/05/2018 16:25

Not violent ever. The new tenancy is 6 month tenancy, not much income from it as it still has a mortgage. The house we're living in is an owned outright property, in his name only although we only moved in a year ago (as a couple). Very much what's his is his. To add insult I've got to go for surgery soon so won't be able to drive. He has plans so I've been told to postpone till a more convenient time. As I write this Ive realised I'm a fool, never imagined I'd be in this position.

OP posts:
OrdinaryGirl · 20/05/2018 16:27

Oh my goodness OP you poor thing! This is financial abuse, plain and simple, and heaven only knows what else you have been subjected to as well as that. Sad I'm horrified reading your post. Take the excellent practical advice of some of the posters here and get out of this relationship. You know it makes sense.

OrdinaryGirl · 20/05/2018 16:28

X-post OP. He wants you to postpone your surgery because he has plans? 😠 LTB.

ICantCopeAnymore · 20/05/2018 16:31

This is the most awful thread I've read on Mumsnet so far, it made my blood run cold. He's abusive, leave now.

VladmirsPoutine · 20/05/2018 16:32

This just gets worse.

ohamIreally · 20/05/2018 16:36

Hi OP I'm genuinely shocked by your post. I've been on the CMS calculator on your behalf. I've done a calculation based on the info you have given, allowing for his paying modest pension contributions and not having any other children living with him. I've allowed also for him having them up to 2 nights per week and the figure it returns is £563 per calendar month. If you add this to your modest income would it be enough for you and your children to live in your house? You could increase your hours at work, increase your mortgage term to bring down payments? When you are not a slave to another person you will have more time to increase your own income and start feathering your own nest, as he has hitherto done at your expense. Agree with PP stop all contributions to bills now and force him to throw you out - that way you can have a bit saved before you go.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/05/2018 16:38

He sees you as nothing more than an unpaid housemaid and nanny.

I wouldn't put up with this OP and I don't think you should either. Wake up time for you imo. Phone your mum and talk to her ASAP.

GalwayWayfarer · 20/05/2018 16:40

You aren't a fool OP, abusers know how to manipulate. But I do think you need to leave x

SweetCheeks1980 · 20/05/2018 16:49

Hang on he earns 60k a year and you earn 8k? How come you haven't pulled him up on the 50/50 bill split before? Or told him he's having a laugh 😂

TooManyPaws · 20/05/2018 16:53

Speak to your parents for support and phone a lawyer first thing tomorrow to see exactly where you stand legally with regard to child support, rights etc.

This is pure abuse.