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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Whether to leave?

54 replies

Loulou0906 · 20/05/2018 15:06

I've never posted before but here goes. Been with DP for 15 years, two kids 13 and 8. Everything in his name, money all his. Earns 60+ a year, I earn 8k. As I chose to work part time to be around for kids. I am struggling so much with money. I'm getting into debt as he expects me to pay 1/2 bills plus clothes for kids, lunch money's, school trips, birthdays and xmas. Always been this way. On top of that does nothing about house and I mean NOTHING!!! Will make himself a sandwich for lunch not me or kids. NEVER washes up or tidies i even do the garden and cars. Strangely enough, I still love him or maybe I'm too scared to be alone. But it can't continue. Tried talking but on deaf ears. Now he wants to go on a two week holiday costing 6k and wants me to pay half. I burst out crying and said I can't afford it. He said I'm lying that I have no money, asked what I do with my money? Seriously. I still own my old house and rent it, not much of an income from it. No tenant in there at the moment but will be in 2 weeks as ive arranged new tenant so it's decision time. So scared to upset my children/ruin them. My 13 year old is hard work. BTW we're not married. Please......I need advice!

OP posts:

GirlsBlouse17 · 20/05/2018 16:55

Hi OP I'm sorry. I was gobsmacked when I read your post. What a horrible man. Can you let me know what his good points are? I wouldn't blame you for leaving. Are you both married? Don't go on the holiday. If he wants to do it, he can go himself. While he is away, make your plans. I think it would be a good idea to write down details of yours and your DPs assets, liabilities, income and expenditure. Gather any evidence from around the house. Bank statements, pay slips, anything. Then go to Citizens Advice first to get some advice about your rights and entitlement if you leave. Am sorry you have been in this position for so long. I have a feeling that if you leave him, you will wonder why you hadn't done it earlier. Maybe not initially, but once you're settled and have a new life for yourself, I think you will be glad you did it. Then when you are ready, one day you may meet someone else who is normal and nice, and treats you with respect.

Original poster

Loulou0906 · 20/05/2018 16:58

Thankyou to everyone for replying to me. Put things in perspective. I feel its only finally came to a head now because 1. I can no longer afford my share, kids tastes get more expensive, food shopping etc getting more expensive, hence the debt. 2. The operation scenario has really upset me, I need this as I'm in a lot of pain. Yet still don't get help around the house or support. I think it's clear to me now what I need to do.

OP posts:

YourHandInMyHand · 20/05/2018 17:02

OMG! It sounds like you have the support of family and friends, a job, and a home in your name. As he is employed you'd receive child maintenance.

OP I think you should leave. Before you do, look at bank statements, wage slips, bills, etc.. Make copies of everything.

Do you realize that if you called women's aid they would class this as financial and emotional abuse??

Please don't worry about your kids. I agonized about my ds when I was about to leave his controlling dad and he was fine because he had me, and I was happy.

RandomMess · 20/05/2018 17:11

GirlsBlouse17 · 20/05/2018 17:12

He is selfish OP . He doesnt seem to give you any consideration. What does he do with all the money he earns? He must have loads in savings and pension.

Alicatz66 · 20/05/2018 17:15

Well .. the house you rent out is empty ... people leave horrible situations like yours with nowhere to go ... leave .. start again ... you owe it to yourself ..and who the fuck spends 6k on a holiday !!!

Tobebythesea · 20/05/2018 17:17

Please, please leave OP. Yes, it will be scary but his actions speak louder than words - he does not respect you. A man who loves you would not see you suffer or treat you like a slave. Thank god you have a way to get out - your house. Please go.

rollingonariver · 20/05/2018 17:25

My friend was in a similar situation op. Her ex had to pay her £300 a week for maintenance and obviously she was able to claim benefits too. You'll be much better off financially AND you're even luckier as you have a house to move to!
Good luck 😊

notapizzaeater · 20/05/2018 18:23

Are you married ? If so everything in his name is t actually his.

Why are you not on the mortgage ?

GreenTulips · 20/05/2018 18:26

They aren't married
There is no mortgage.

MadeForThis · 20/05/2018 18:38

He sounds awful. But I wouldn't jump to leave yet. Start by refusing to pay 50/50. Have the operation. Give yourself time to recover and have a plan in place to leave.

Puttingthefootdown · 20/05/2018 18:59

He is abusing you! Move back into your home and contact CM asap. Then get your operation. He doesn't get a say in that!

Poloshot · 20/05/2018 20:11

Can't provide any further advise, you've had all you need almost unanimously. Good luck

Original poster

Loulou0906 · 20/05/2018 20:52

Thankyou everyone. Think I knew this had to change but you're right Poloshot it is almost unanimous. This not been a loving/supportive relationship I'm going to make my plans, in my head I think I've been making them already knowing I have somewhere to go, somewhere that is 'mine' that I've managed to hold onto.

OP posts:

FullOfJellyBeans · 20/05/2018 20:54

This is financial abuse surely. I'm glad you have support elsewhere. Leaving is without a doubt 100% the best thing you could do.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/05/2018 20:58

That's good to hear OP. You sound stronger already.

Foxysoxy10 · 20/05/2018 20:58

It sounds like you would be far better off financially leaving your partner. He would have to pay some child maintenance so you would finally have some money each month from him to help with the children’s costs.

Honestly he is financially abusive and a shit.
LTB asap! You will be much better for it.

aintnothinbutagstring · 20/05/2018 21:08

Leave, I'd basically present it to that life with him is unaffordable, that you'd be better off alone. The whole point of being with someone, is that you're better off together, not one person substantially worse off. And take care of your health and have the operation. You're spinning all the plates here, let some crash and fall, and him deal with the consequences.

seven201 · 20/05/2018 21:17

Fucking hell. Leave. You can do this and you know it's the right thing to do. Apart from anything else this is not a relationship you want your dc to grow up thinking of as normal. Do it for them and do it for you.

Turkkadin · 20/05/2018 23:35

He's been getting away with disgusting shit for years because you have let him. He is an utterly disgusting chancer. Why in gods name would you ever have accepted this? You do not need strangers on an Internet forum to tell you this. You know this is truly awful. Don't waste your love and life on someone that doesn't love you.

MyKingdomForBrie · 20/05/2018 23:39

Leave, he’s totally vile. He will have to pay cms as PP have said and let’s face it, even if it’s a real struggle it can’t be worse than it is with him.

Presumably you could up your hours to full school hours if your job allows?

maddening · 20/05/2018 23:45

I would marry the fucker.

bgblues · 21/05/2018 06:39

Very very shocking what an absolute vile man, I’m furious on your behalf! How dare he have the audacity to ask you to pay half when you have such a massive difference in income?

I work in safeguarding and this is 100% financial and emotional abuse. You are so lucky that you have somewhere to go to, most people in awful abusive relationships like this have nowhere to go and hence stay much longer than they should.

I would get copies of all financial and legal documents asap in case and speak to women’s aid and/or a solicitor for advice. I almost moved into a rental property once and at the last minute the landlord backed out as his daughter needed somewhere to stay so from that I would presume it’s possible to do without problem. Just state an emergency which this most definitely is.

Have my first LTB, a well deserved one. You and your kids will be absolutely fine without the vile bastard OP

GreenTulips · 21/05/2018 08:14

Financially I'm in a similar position

I earn more than you but have 3 DC

DH puts £1000 into my account every month to pay for shopping kids lunches and any other bits
My wages pay a small loan TV licence and my own car tax etc

We save jointly in proportion

He's had a bonus so has paid for the holiday (all inclusive) so I've contributed additional clothing and half the spending money.

It works - he still has more spends than me - but that's OK! He's generous with the kids and picks up drops off as much as I do.
He also does roughly 30% of the housework and all the gardening.

Please leave and be happy

blessedbe · 24/05/2018 11:34

Any update, OP? Wondered if you’d stopped the rental going through.

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