To think a manipulative man can change?

[clubtropicanaa]

I love my DH greatly: 95% of the time he is a wonderful husband and father (not my DCs).
But he can be emotionally abusive and manipulative, he's used to being in charge at work and he finds it difficult that it doesn't carry over to home (I am v assertive and headstrong).
I recognize when he is displaying his gaslighting/manipulative behaviors and flag them to him because I find it unacceptable. When he calms down he agrees. He has improved in the last year that he has been behaving this way - we have done six weeks of couples counseling that helped.
My friends think I am mad to stay with a man who is so obviously flawed, but when we're good this is the best relationship I've ever been in.
In your experience, AIBU to stay and expect him to work hard to change?

They can if they 1) really try and 2) take time away from a relationship to work on them. Because they can't change when still in that situation.

So yes if he's dedicated and willing to spend 3-6 months say, working on him I think that's workable.

The thing is though do you want the exhausting task of reminding him he's gaslighting you and then having to calm him down and remind him he's not at work. It's adding extra stress and putting him as an extra child.

That alone would make intimacy hard because I'd see him as like a child or a difficult student of a teacher not an equal, loving husband.

But I don't think your stupid. Everyone decides what they are willing to endure and it doesn't mean you deserve it, just that you have decided the highs outweigh the lows.

Also someone said it on here before and it's really true.

Does he behave like this in front of others? If not then he can consciously control it and chooses not to. Something to bare in mind.

YABU he will never change

Sorry only saw first page.

Yes he is not good for you and I'm glad you know that in your heart of hearts.

If he has trust issues he would discuss not control. He's being a major asshole and he must know it by your behaviour.

Ultimately he's selfish and by the sounds fairly old so can't teach a dog new tricks.