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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a manipulative man can change?

54 replies

clubtropicanaa · 20/05/2018 10:42

I love my DH greatly: 95% of the time he is a wonderful husband and father (not my DCs).
But he can be emotionally abusive and manipulative, he's used to being in charge at work and he finds it difficult that it doesn't carry over to home (I am v assertive and headstrong).
I recognize when he is displaying his gaslighting/manipulative behaviors and flag them to him because I find it unacceptable. When he calms down he agrees. He has improved in the last year that he has been behaving this way - we have done six weeks of couples counseling that helped.
My friends think I am mad to stay with a man who is so obviously flawed, but when we're good this is the best relationship I've ever been in.
In your experience, AIBU to stay and expect him to work hard to change?

OP posts:
hazell42 · 20/05/2018 12:00

Please leave. It won't get better. You will just get tired of fighting him. And that silent treatment can last for weeks. Trust me
It's not worth it

Original poster
clubtropicanaa · 20/05/2018 12:01

@KataraJean that's it - I am so cross with him I think, our relationship has many lovely aspects that if he worked on his dysfunctional bits it could be wonderful. I am mad with him that he can't/won't seem to do this. If I wasn't having to handle his manipulative and coercive times I feel like I could run the world (or at least go for a promotion at work).

I'm sorry your xH was so abusive.

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Gilead · 20/05/2018 12:02

A few years ago I was where you are now. I got a lot of support on the relationship boards. The emotional intimidation, manipulation and just plain cruelty I had put up with was no longer tenable, particularly for dc. Costa and Anyfucker helped. Listen to them. They'll tell it like it is. It took me a while to listen, but I did and was supported every step of the way. I am so much better off now, as are dc.

Original poster
clubtropicanaa · 20/05/2018 12:16

@SuperLoudPoppingAction I bought that book three months into our relationship. Which says it all, really.

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Original poster
clubtropicanaa · 20/05/2018 12:17

@Gilead thank-you, I'll try over there too

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Kpo58 · 20/05/2018 13:35

He lives with me half the time and the other half he is at home with adult DCs - I am not allowed to his house because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

It sounds like he wants to keep his family separate to the person he is shagging. He will never consider you as family. Don't waste your life on him.

Pa1oma · 20/05/2018 14:03

OP, if I'm absolutely honest, my DH wouldn't like me going out with other men wearing a short skirt either. However, the not letting you near his other house sounds very strange indeed, as does the wanting to know who you talk to etc.
The main thing is your gut feeling here. Do you feel on edge or as if you're walking on eggshells?
I think people can change yes, but if often takes a shock for them to wake up to themselves.

Original poster
clubtropicanaa · 20/05/2018 14:26

@Pa1oma I don't go out with other men wearing short skirts, that's with him. I really don't dress outlandishly but in the summer or on holiday I do like wearing skirts that are slightly shorter than knee-length or dress that shows a hint of cleavage. It's more my male friendships he objects to, uni friends or old work friends.

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Pa1oma · 20/05/2018 14:38

Sorry club, I wasn't implying you do dress outlandishly, just trying to give a perspective. It's hard for me to comment on the male friends as I don't tend to have single male friends, so no idea how DH would react if I did. Maybe if he got to know them, it might help? As I said, I think you have to go with your gut feeling on this really - you are obviously unsettled enough to have posted. Maybe get some therapy for yourself? Work out your own feelings without him in the picture. My DH can be quite high-handed at times as well and I'm finding therapy helps to get clarity on this, as well as a range of other issues.

Original poster
clubtropicanaa · 20/05/2018 14:50

Thank you @Pa1oma, therapy to get perspective sounds like a really good idea. I've only ever been in a serious relationship with a pretty low-maintenance man before (albeit one that ended in divorce - falling out of love was so much more clear-cut!) and I am simply unable to tell where to draw the line here.

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Dragongirl10 · 20/05/2018 14:51

Run, run for the hills op......it will NOT get better.

There will be someone better though.

gingerbreadbiscuits · 20/05/2018 14:53

I thought couples counselling was not recommended in abusive situations - does the counsellor know about the abuse?

Wheelemin77 · 20/05/2018 15:11

How old is he? I ask because unlike others I think people can change. If someone's understanding and expectations of relationships has been poorly formed due to upbringing or observed situations, then there is the possibility that innate behaviours will be drawn out in the right circumstances.

Glumglowworm · 20/05/2018 15:15

If he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behaviour then he will never ever change

And if you don’t want to spend your life being treated like that, you should cut your losses and get out now.

Gilead · 20/05/2018 15:37

Take a close look at this. It makes it clear that it's not all about physical violence.

To think a manipulative man can change?
MrsDilber · 20/05/2018 16:05

I don't think he will change op. My BIL was very similar, I got on well with him but knew what he was like.

We were in Spain on holiday, they had an horrendous row, and I sat and said to him "you do know, unless you stop behaving this way, you're going to lose her?" He acknowledged that was the case, along with 4 young dc.

4 years down the line, she'd had enough. That man will never be happy. I suspect all EA men will never be happy.

It's worth laying it out on the line, in black and white and absolutely meaning it, before you leave. If he doesn't change, you'll be ready to go.

Good luck op 💐

KurriKurri · 20/05/2018 17:01

He won't change - my X was exactly like that, and I loved him too (until he betrayed me in such a horrendous way it made me see the light).
I didn't realise until we divorced and I got away from him what an enormous strain and stress it is living your life with a manipulative gaslighting person.

It's only now I am on my own that I am finding my true identity and strength. I didn't realise it at the time but everything we did was controlled by him, there are so many examples I could give of his manipulative behaviour - but you probably know what they are already !

And I am also a strong assertive person, but I couldn;t match his manipulation, because if you ar not manipulative, you can;t predict it or sometimes even recognise it for what it is, because it can be quite unbelievably planned and contrived.

Honestly they don't change, there's a huge arrogance underlying this kind of behaviour, a deep belief that they are always right and others have to be bent to their will.

It's not my place to say leave him, but I can tell you that when I left mine I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from me, like I could actually breathe again and be myself.

Original poster
clubtropicanaa · 20/05/2018 17:53

@Wheelemin77 he's mid-40s which worries me. He was in what sounds like a dysfunctional marriage for 14 years, and that's a long time for patterns to become ingrained

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MrsBobDylan · 20/05/2018 18:23

Do you think you feel ready to end this relationship op? There is such a disparity between your op and how you have subsequently described him that it seems you are still hoping someone will say that he will change.

You seem to believe that he is mostly a good man with a small part that is a bastard. Thing is, most horrible people have someone who loves them since they aren't horrible 100% of the time.

Also, you describe yourself as very headstrong and assertive - you may have been but he wouldn't allow that now as he is too keen to control and manipulate you.

MrsBobDylan · 20/05/2018 18:25

Also, it seems from your last post that you somehow feel he was created into the person he is now by a dysfunctional marriage. I would lay every penny I have that he's always been a bastard with the ability to turn on the charm.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/05/2018 19:08

What MrsBobDylan said

Original poster
clubtropicanaa · 21/05/2018 17:50

@MrsBobDylan yep, I would like nothing more than for someone to say to me "don't you worry! This is just a phase! He'll turn things around and will be a model husband in no time!" but I know full well this isn't true. Quite frankly I am incredibly cross that he has taken a relationship that has the potential to be wonderful and has shat on it, but that is him, that is his personality, and I shouldn't expect him to change.

I'm getting to the stage now where I have told enough people what has gone on that I need to get out because they are worried about my safety - I've purposefully done this so I can't wriggle out of leaving him. And this is what I need to do.

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Original poster
clubtropicanaa · 21/05/2018 17:52

@MrsDilber I think EA men find it hard to be any other way. It's their path of least resistance.

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Original poster
clubtropicanaa · 21/05/2018 17:52

@KurriKurri thank you for sharing - I need to leave. I otherwise see years of my life stretching out like this

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Original poster
clubtropicanaa · 21/05/2018 17:53

@gingerbreadbiscuits yes, I was very honest. They made us have separate counselling first before we were allowed to be in the same room.

OP posts:
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