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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What makes a good MIL

37 replies

she326 · 19/05/2018 23:55

Just curious. Seems to be a lot of threads on dreadful MIL.

What would make a great MIL?

OP posts:
she326 · 19/05/2018 23:56

Sorry just realised this might not be the correct place to post it.

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 20/05/2018 00:05

MIL is no different from any other relationship.
A couple are married and live together. That means it is their house where they make the decisions. They are married which means anyone else comes second.
So the best MIL is one who acts like a friend, doesn’t try to come between them, doesn’t go to their house except when specifically invited and doesn’t try to impose her will on any aspect of the home or their relationship, including parenting.

agnurse · 20/05/2018 00:08

I don't think it's the wrong place. My MIL is lovely. Doesn't interfere, offers advice only when asked, respects us. My mom is the same way.

I only have a stepdaughter so I may never have a DIL but figure that the best approach is to be easy. If my DSD has children I would just say to her, "Let me know if you have questions or need support." (I've done the same with my SILs - they know I'm a nurse.) When she has the babies I'll just tell her, "Let us know when you'd like us to come. If you want us there in the waiting room, in the hospital, at your home, or at our home, we'll come when you want. See how you feel and we'll come when you feel up to having company." No expectations. I'd also be asking what sort of baby gift she would like.

If we got the opportunity to babysit I would be asking if she has any rules she'd like us to follow. I would ask before giving the kids sweets and advise them that Mom is the boss and we have to go with what she says. I would be running gift ideas by her in advance. I would never criticize her parenting. I might ask about something, but in a "curious" manner rather than a "critical" manner. "Oh, is that a new way of doing things? I haven't seen that before. Tell me more."

I want to be the nana that the kids want to see because she's easy and doesn't make Mom and Dad walk on eggshells.

LightDrizzle · 20/05/2018 00:21

Someone who recognises you as a 3 dimensional other person, not just an adjunct to their offspring. Who bothers to get to know you and your interests a bit and also has their own interests.
Someone who doesn’t expect to be on daily text terms after years of only communicating face to face on occasional meet ups, just because there is a grandchild on the way.
Basically, treat your son or daughter-in-law as you would treat a peer you’d been introduced to by a really good friend; presume goodwill, get to know them but don’t invest everything in becoming best buddies, respect their autonomy. Don’t blame your child’s spouse if your own adult child is crap at cards/phoning/keeping in touch with you.
My daughter's boyfriend’s mum is great, my daughter loves her. She is as above; an interesting woman who loves her son, was welcoming but not smothering towards his girlfriend, got to know her, gets on with her, but doesn’t presume any authority over her or attempt to “school” her. I don’t think it’s that hard!

AvoidingDM · 20/05/2018 00:52

Respect, respect, respect!

Don't force your own ideas for the wedding - really doesn't help the relationship - respect it's DIL & DS's day.

Don't fill their house with ornaments, pictures or cast-offs - respect their space

Don't do "Granny knows best" when it comes to babies - respect things and advice has changed in 40 years.

So basically respect your DIL / SIL they are most likely adults with ideas of their own don't keep pushing your ideas onto them.

cadburyegg · 20/05/2018 04:33

Don’t undermine her parenting
Ask “what can I do to help”
Have her own interests other than DS and grandkids
Don’t cut her out of all the photos you have around the house Confused

I really don’t think it’s difficult

Namechangemum100 · 20/05/2018 05:49

@lightdrizzle... do we have the same mil?!

Namechangemum100 · 20/05/2018 05:52

Pretty much everything @lightdrizzle said...don't treat Dil as no more than a womb for your grandchildren. Make an effort to actually get to know her, and treat her like an actual person.

In my case in particular, I would say don't make false promises of help with grandchildren when you have no interest in actually fulfilling them unless it serves an self serving purpose, treat all grandchildren equally, and have your own life in order to remain interesting.

memaymamo · 20/05/2018 06:02

Some of it is luck. If you're on a similar wavelength in life and attitude then you get along better. One woman's aloof, disinterested MIL is another woman's respectful, boundary-conscious MIL.

Other than that I agree with the other posters.

Saz1995 · 20/05/2018 06:23

My soon to be mil is actually alright! We used to clash for various reasons but we put our differences aside for the baby and for my partner now we actually get on really well:) she respects us as parents and doesn’t stick her nose in where it isn’t wanted and she’s fantastic with the little one.

flaggerblasted · 20/05/2018 06:33

I have a wonderful MIL. She's always really helpful, has never ever offered unwanted advice, although I've asked her opinion a number of times ( I think this is important). She says lovely things like 'I'm so pleased DH met you' and 'you always make me feel welcome in your home'. She went through a messy divorce herself when DH was 13, which was horrible for all involved and I think she's just relieved to see a marriage working. I think we have a mutual appreciation society going on Smile

Feb2018mumma · 20/05/2018 06:53

I'd be happy if she stopped letting herself into my house and telling me how to raise my son! Also stop asking if I am losing the baby weight! Think a good MIL treats you like family not a babysitter/ housekeeper for her son and grandson!

Beansprout30 · 20/05/2018 07:19

I used to like my mil until our first child came along and I saw her true colours. Making snide comments about my own mother who bothers to see DD, makes every excuse not to see us, tries to buy us with sending random cash sums despite me asking her not too and totally disrespecting my wishes. Basically I'm glad I don't have much to do with her now .
Sorry that hasn't really answered your post but that's the kind of mil I don't want!

londonloves · 20/05/2018 07:22

Do not comment on any of the following:
Losing baby weight
The "state of your nipples"
The "state of your vagina"
(I'm serious - immediate post natal period)
Do not obsessively interrogate about how feeding is going and clearly judge about mixed then formula feeding.
Do not tell your DIL who is actually crying about breastfeeding that you has no trouble breast feeding a tongue tied baby.

Do not suggest that the couple should go camping with you and an 11 month old Baby instead of going on honeymoon then have a massive tantrum when told no.

Basically just try not to be weird and judgemental.

NewYearNewMe18 · 20/05/2018 07:26

How odd -everyone is focusing on MIL being mother of the husband , 50% of MILS are Mother of the wife!

A woman will nearly always ally her self with her mother, but if a man keeps a close relationship with his mother he is sneered at ton this forum- man child, apron strings, mummies boy. I would like to revisit your relationships with your sons and daughter when they marry.

wotsittoyou · 20/05/2018 07:48

Posters are speaking from their experiences as women with male husbands. What is odd about that?

londonloves · 20/05/2018 08:18

But what about the menzzzzz

VladmirsPoutine · 20/05/2018 08:28

A good MiL is one that is not alive respects boundaries.

VladmirsPoutine · 20/05/2018 08:29

*According to MN that is, I was quite surprised about all the MiL bashing on here when I joined the site.

grasspigeons · 20/05/2018 08:32

I think its a lot of luck. My MIL has more than one DIL and we all get on with her to different degrees. From one who considers her interfering and overbearing to me who thinks she's lovely.

I also agree that you see lots of people saying that when a man marries his wife is the most important person blah blah. I understand what they mean but you don't get people suddenly expecting the woman to ditch the bond with her father and no longer go to him for advice.

Ohmydayslove · 20/05/2018 08:35

Me!!

I was up at 6am with dgs so my son and ddil could have a night out last night and a lie in.

Knackered Grin

Mannix · 20/05/2018 08:35

I find my MIL difficult to get on with. It would be easier if I didn't feel that she was judging my children in a negative way, eg commenting on their behaviour and manners (even though they're all really well behaved and she does admit this!).

But at the end of the day we're just not very similar people, and I think we'll probably never be very close no matter what.

Icklepickle101 · 20/05/2018 08:40

I’ve had 2. I horrendous and 1 amazing

The bad one:
Always knew best
Was openly judgy about my parenting choices
Bought formula and bottles round whilst I was ebf
Her son could do no wrong
Patronising as fuck

The lovely one:
Supportive, respects my wishes and behind me 110%
Laid back
Can admit her son has faults (and tells me how good I am for putting up with him Grin )
Not a total weirdo

Think exmil tried too hard to be friends with me rather than my MIL and it just made her weird and obsessive. Current MIL and I get on well and we enjoy spending time together but as MIL/DIL not best friends

OakIsBetterTho · 20/05/2018 08:43

My MIL is wonderful. She is treats me as she would treat any other friend and I think that's the key; we chat, laugh, sometimes moan and gossip, she offers advice only when prompted by me and she respects our home is our space. I think the thing with treating a DIL as a potential friend also means being aware of when you're not going to be friends iyswim? Like if you're very different people, accept that, don't try and force the issue.
She also recognises that her son just doesn't really need parenting in the traditional sense anymore, while still being there for us if we need her.
The same works the other way though in terms of being 'friends', you only get out what you put in and I do make effort with her too.
We have yet to have children but by all accounts she was wonderful with her other DILs/my SILs children. We'll see!

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 20/05/2018 08:46

Is it possible that Mothers of sons behave differently to Mothers of daughters, though, and that's why so many MILs on here (where there's presumably a higher number of female posters) are Mums to men?

I have to admit my MIL is the overbearing Mother-to-adored-son cliche who felt that nobody was good enough. It is what it is; if you want to 'hold on' to your darling babies despite them being fully formed adults, you're unlikely to make yourself popular with in-laws. My Mum always said you give your children the roots to stand tall and the wings to fly high; she's never once attempted to direct DH and I with our marriage, our parenting, our lives generally. And because of that, we have a great relationship and she and her DH are a very positive influence on our lives. They're present, they're helpful, they adore the grandchildren but they also live their lives to suit themselves.

MIL on the other hand is quite controlling and manipulative, so watching DH 'break away' if you like over the last few years has been hard. She loves him, he loves her, but their relationship was so unbalanced that once we began having our own family MIL felt as though she'd lost him and had all sorts of dramatic temper tantrums to try and ensure she kept her place as number one in his life. Of course, DH has a wife and children who he has to prioritise and the whole thing is just incredibly sad for them both; neither is able to have a direct, honest conversation with the other, it's all resentment swept under the carpet. I can't help but think it's such a waste of both of their time. At a family get-together a while back she told my Mum that without her children she has nothing worth living for. My Mum was horrified, not really understanding just how over-invested MIL was until that point.

As Mother to two small boys I'm determined to be more like my Mum and love them enough to cherish whoever they decide to spend their lives with, and simply be there when they need me.

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