What makes a good MIL

[she326]

Just curious. Seems to be a lot of threads on dreadful MIL.

What would make a great MIL?

I have 4 sons and 2 dds. I have two dils and love then to bits. It’s not a mother of sons thing it’s just some people are idiots.

Idontbelieve I think generally you might be on to something... however your description of your own mum is my mil to a tee, and my mum is the awful mil!! I feel so sorry for DP having to deal with her, she judges him constantly; he's not earning enough, his business isn't impressive enough it is, he's only 25! , he works too long hours, he doesn't work hard enough, he doesn't come and see her enough, he doesn't give me enough time with the family away from him... nothing he does is right. But that's not just her as a mil, she's an awkward person at the best of times. I'm honestly worried about how it's going to go when we have children

According to MN the best MIL is one that doesn't breathe..

'A woman will nearly always ally her self with her mother, but if a man keeps a close relationship with his mother he is sneered at ton this forum- man child, apron strings, mummies boy.'

Just remember every MIL was a DIL once...

Exactly the same as what makes for a good mum of adult children.. Respect them as an individual and never uttering a criticism either by look or word.

On another site a lady was complaining that her Christian son broke a commandment of ‘Not honouring his mother and father’ because his wife always came first. Someone else reminded her that the Bible also say that “A man shall leave the house of his mother and father and cleave only to his wife”.

Raising a good person as a son
Being lucky enough to have a good DiL

I have had 2 MiLs - one was/is a good relationship, one was less so.

My own DM has had 3 DiL's - one was/is a bitch who treats my DM as if she is irrelevant, stupid and is only there to witness how marvellous DiL is and how much better she, DiL is doing it. Forget that my Mum went without things for herself and worked to pay for my brother's education so that now he is a high earner allowing DiL to do as she wishes.
(Mum just "knew her place" and smiled and complimented when invited but otherwise withdrew)

The other DiLs are busy and hectic but like my mum. They don't interfere in each other's lives but get along when they meet.

My MiL has been a huge help. Huge. She is wise and kind and practical. We don't always get on and we often disagree but that is fine. There is mutual love and respect. And we don't try to play "top-dog" with (now ex) DP. She has been supportive throughout our split - to both of us and our children.

If everyone is decent it shouldn't be any different from any other relationship.

It takes effort from Dil as well as mil. My Dil gave me a key as soon as they moved into their house and said I was welcome anytime. She treats me and her own mum the same, and sometimes we all go out together. We get equal time with the dgs. She wouldn't mind if I went in and started sorting the laundry (I don't btw!) I love her dearly, she's very good for Ds and I want them to stay together forever, please God!.

Actually grasspigeons - you are right about fathers. I was very close to my dad. I went to him for advice about money and DIY, ( I inherited his tools when he died), and big decisions. He and DP worked on our new house together sharing the work and a few beers. DP never felt threatened - why would he? He never needed to prove he was "doing it better" than my dad. And when my dad was dying my DP and my MiL looked after my very young children so that I could spend weeks with him.

Unfortunately I lost my Mil just before I had DD2.
A brilliant lady who always treated me as a daughter, no prefix. Always my friend first, loved having a natter and sharing things. DH is an only child, so I was always the daughter Mil never had. I suppose that is the best relationship to have with Sil/Dil...be there , but don’t be there, I suppose.
My DM treats DH as a son, he is equal with us siblings. Same with future Sil, she is one of us. Parents are proud of us all.

Having a great DIL

I think a good mother in law is a mother with a healthy relationship with her child and where her child has a healthy relationship with their spouse/partner.

If shes fighting to be his number 1 (which my granny did), she'll always be losing and resentful.

Everyone has irritating flaws or does things differently, thats fine. I think what makes the difference is if you can talk about problems constructively.

My MIL loves helping & if she'd listen to us about how our house works she'd be a huge asset. Instead she either ignores any comments (like 'thats the recycling, please dont put general rubbish in there') or spends hours crying because she 'cant do anything right'. As a result I dread her visits.

Her "straightening" including binning all my work paperwork because my desk wasnt tidy (including cheques) and tipping the contents of the food recycling caddy on top of it and pouring just pumped milk down the drain because I'd left it on the side to cool slightly before putting it in the fridge (meaning my cmpa twins had to have formula at the next feed & were awake all night in pain).

My MiL (RIP) was lovely - never interfered or criticised and was lovely with dds. She only had boys and it was a very male household, so I think she was v glad of someone who'd be remotely interested in e.g.her new kitchen curtains!

It's so nice to get some positive vibes😊. So it's not all doom and gloom!

I think also try and detach yourself from the son before he marries and trust his judgment.

I know a lady who has been made homeless by her DS and DIL. They lost their home moved in with her, promised to stay until they found something suitable and now she is sofa surfing!

It's so sad.

In the past she has had a rocky relationship with them and now doesn't want to upset them and is grateful to be allowed to see the gc. Her DIL instigated the ban on seeing GC so now she will do anything to keep her happy. DIL is socially nice but very manipulative DS is spineless.

People around her have tried to help her get her home back. But she is too scared to do anything.

IMO if you invest emotionally too much you can get hurt whether you're the DIL MIL or SIL.