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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

child illness and contact order

33 replies

Whatiwishfor · 19/05/2018 16:59

Hi there its a very long story so will try and keep it short and to the point.

I have a contact order and a residency order. My child wasnt well this morning so said no to contact but said my other child could go. My ill child had been off school on Friday and has generally got a really nasty bug. My stbxh said that im breaking the court order, i know 100% im not but as im due back in court with him soon and he is a repeat lier im concerned. Anyone else had experience of this kind of thing. Its a never ending battle with him, theres an issue every week.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/05/2018 17:03

Too late now but were they really too ill for their dad to look after them? My DSC get bugs but they’ve never been to ill to come to to ours or to go back to their mum’s.

I guess that’s what he might say in court.

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 17:09

Could you clarify whey the ill child couldn't go to their dad's to be looked after? Too sick to travel? Wanted to be with mum? Was dad going to take them out somewhere or something with sick child in tow? Could you arrange an alternative time for dad to take the kids to make up for it - maybe a day over half term?

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 17:10

But to be clear it would be crazy for him to take you to court over this one incident!

NukaColaGirl · 19/05/2018 17:11

ExDP and I don’t have a contact order, but if they’re ill, 99% of the time they still go to his home. He’s their other parent after all. The odd time they’ve stayed with me is because they wanted to.

Sirzy · 19/05/2018 17:11

No reason at all the other parent couldn’t look after them when ill. Infact I would think worse of a parent refusing to do so!

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 17:15

I do think looking after kids when they're sick is part and parcel of being a parent (if you just take them out for fun days etc. you're more like an aunt/uncle) so I can see why your ex would feel peeved if you refused just on the grounds the kid was sick.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/05/2018 17:32

I totally agree with you op, the child's well being has to come first, and what ill child wants to be moved and travelling when they feel unwell, especially with a bug. When you have been sick and feel rubbish that last thing they want to do is travel, and be sick in the car and spread germs to others, silly really. He can have contact the following week.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/05/2018 17:32

Different if they became ill at the fathers.

fontofnoknowledge · 19/05/2018 17:34

I think it depends on what the child wants. Contact is about the legal right for the child to see the parent... and the parents responsibility towards a child. If the child is in bed with a bug feeling like poo then it's not kind to move them around.
I say this as a step mother whose husbands ex has used every excuse under the sun to thwart contact, so am usually very jaded in these matters towards the father BUT I know how I feel when I have a virus and I certainly wouldn't want to be moving from my bed !

Children do also have the right to have their wishes considered and for each parent to put the child's needs first. In this case IF the child doesn't want to go. Then that would be the right decision.

All of the above being based on proper virus, temperature and currently in bed. /on sofa with duvet.
A bit under the weather doesn't cut it.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 19/05/2018 17:36

Sorry it’s not clear if your child said no to going or if you said no.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/05/2018 17:37

Well the child was too ill for school on Friday, and sounds pretty bad with a bug, those vomitting bugs are awful. Even if the child wanted to, I would not. I remember having a vomitting bug when I was 7, my dad was due to take me to my Aunties house 1.5 hours away, I was desparate to go, so he took me, and I proceeded to vomit in the car, and when I got there, and my Auntie got sick.

Whattheactualfuckmate · 19/05/2018 17:40

Maybe the child didnt want to go because they were feeling sick!

I don’t get posters pushing constantly to abide by the rules even if a child is poorly!! Why would they want to get in a car with D&V and travel to some one else’s house just for the sake of pushing a fucking order Hmm

OP I’m not sure about court but even going off some of the comments on her (presumably by women) then the judge could be an arse. Is there any one you can ask professionally.

I think you did the right thing by the way

Aeroflotgirl · 19/05/2018 17:41

I know Whatthe, its absurd. The child was not in school because of the bug, so she is sick and not able to go to contact either. The child's well being has to come first, even if the child wanted to, they don't always know what is best for them, that is what we decide as parents.

Original poster
Whatiwishfor · 19/05/2018 18:03

Hi thank you all for your responses.
She was up all night (pretty much) on Thursday was sick, trying to be sick all night, she also had diahareer and a stomach ache(probably from retching), her temp was high at one point just over 40. She did not want to go as wanted to stay with me cos im the main carer. She was too ill to leave the house, and just wanted to sleep on the sofa with all her regular home comforts (shes asleep now)
He lives an hour away, so its not even a short trip, i made him away of her being off school yesterday and today said she wouldnt be coming early in the morning, i have said he can collect if shes well enough tomorrow. He did come to collect our other child.
There is a huge history of domestic abuse but more to the point he is very controlling and manipulative, i can not discuss anything with him, he has been with in inches of having a restraining and harassment order against him.

He has taken me to court twice already regarding the children we are due back next Friday, even though he often cancelled seeing them (cancelled this week already) I am not a mother who wants to keep our children from their father, i actually had plans for today and im ment to be working tomorrow. But my child is simply too ill to go. There have been other times when they have been off colour but have always gone.
If one of my children had been this ill at his house i would not expect him to put them in the car and return them, its not just around the corner so would have been horrible for the child to feel that ill in the car.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 19/05/2018 18:04

That last paragraph is the key and in that case, in these circumstances yanbu

Original poster
Whatiwishfor · 19/05/2018 18:06

I also have a residency order and have been told by my solicitor before that they do not have to go if ill, of course i believe this is subjective as they do need and mainly want to spend time with their father.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/05/2018 18:12

Whatowishfor just shows that he does not care for his child, its all about control and manipulation, any decent father would not behave like this.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/05/2018 18:12

Op she is too ill for contact, your primary concern is your dd, not your ex.

Original poster
Whatiwishfor · 19/05/2018 18:28

Aeroflotgirl
Thank you, yes exactly. her temp is just under 40 atm. Luckily she can handle a high temp well, as i know some children really struggle. All i want to do is concentrate on my ill child, not the man child im trying to divorce and his girlfriend who turns up for added intimidation.
My son had an operation not long ago, he insisted on seeing him the day after, and if he was too ill i had to get a drs note. Unfortunately hes lost focus of the children and its about "trying to wine", he needs to be reminded there are no winners in divorce esp when young children are involved.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/05/2018 18:29

It is not about the kids, its about control, and using them in his game and watching you suffer. My friends narc ex is like that.

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 18:31

Based on your update YADNBU. Who would want to drive an hour feeling grotty and possibly puking etc. He could have sat with her for a bit at yours while he was there collecting the other child but moving her when she feels grotty and doesn't want to go is just plain petty.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 19/05/2018 20:19

Based on your update, YANBU. Hope she feels better soon.

Original poster
Whatiwishfor · 19/05/2018 20:52

FullofJellybeans
Unfortunately sitting with her isnt an option, he knows hes not allowed in my house (technically ours). I had huge issues trying to get him out etc etc, he isnt someone you can negotiate with. He asked for me to bring her to the door so he could take her temp to check if shes "that bad". He would have never taken no for an answer and i know he would have just taken her with out my consent. Because of this i have had to say, no to him seeing her today.
He has never asked how she is over the last few days, just dictated to me when he will see her.
Said he was coming back tonight to get her, didnt ask how she was though. Its just a very long line of difficult behaviour, which unfortunately his girlfriends appears to enable him with!
Iv called out of hours 111 so waiting for an app at the hospital as shes really not well. Thanks for all the support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatiwishfor · 20/05/2018 19:27

Omg iv had such a difficult weekend with such an unwell child, been to out of hours drs twice, very little sleep etc etc. But she is on the mend they believe its a viral gastro thing, so she will be off school tomorrow and possibly longer.
My stbx has been diabolical, telling my im lieing about her being ill, wanting to take her temp at the door, insisting he sees her, even though shes asleep and being sick etc etc (hes not allowed in the house). Hes calling me abusive and keeps on saying that i will be cross examined in court by his solicitor and will have to explain things.
His girlfriend is constantly there when he drops the kids off or collects them, first of all i refused to feel negative about her, as long as the children like her thats all that matters. But its become clear that she enables him. She was belittling me in fornt of my mother the other week, they both always turn up and get out of the car just to try and intimidate me. Its all a bloody nightmare. Im not perfect and im sure iv made some mistakes along the way but im totally convinces his behaviour is beyond that of a normal angry man. Im convinces he has a personality disorder, hes so detached from reality as well.

Im feeling a bit sorry for myself tbh, how am i ever going to be free of him? Anyone been in a similar situation

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/05/2018 20:02

Oh god how awful for you, I hope your poor daughter gets better soon. What a nasty piece of work, it is clear he dies not care once ounce about his sick child, it is all about control and power, and abusing you still through your dd. Yiu have done nothing wrong, you are a fantastic mum to your dd. Coukd yiu get a Dr note that she has been seen by OOH dr and the diagnosis just in case.

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