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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who IBU? Joint finances.

28 replies

catdoctor · 19/05/2018 06:56

Just had a financial review and look at retirement planning.
DH is 56, has a very healthy final salary based pension scheme.
Me 50, personal pension - approx 25% value DH's.
DH had asked for projection for him to retire at 60 ie well before state retirement age. This involves me working to at least 65 - presumably my state retirement age is 67 at least.
We've been together 25 years, married 19.
Both full time working except 2 maternity leaves 6 months each for me plus a 2 year period when I was supposed to be part time but actually had 2 jobs.
Apparently I need to do some 'topping up' according to DH.
I haven't had much of a conversation yet with DH about this - just trying to get my head around why this seems unfair.
If he gets to retire early, why don't I (presuming the maths adds up)?
The fundamental point here is he sees his pension pot as his therefore gets to do what he wants with it. I see all our investments as team resources and that means a team decision.

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 19/05/2018 06:58

Maybe highlight that if you divorce the starting point for negotiations is 50/50 of all assets including both pensions.

SellingPains · 19/05/2018 06:59

It doesn't seem fair no. My FIL retired very early on a final salary pension while MIL continues to work part time but she wants to work which is quite different from your situation.

shushpenfold · 19/05/2018 07:02

Seriously!! How on earth can he think that you need to ‘top up’ due to you bearing his children?! Whether you did or didn’t only drop pension due to that reason, you’ve been married for an eternity and your life together is ‘joint’, as is the pension, housework, holidays, etc etc. I would have had an epic meltdown if my dh had suggested this.

I should point out that my dh would NEVER suggest something like this and if he were awake right now, he would state that your dh was an arse.

Omgwtfbbq · 19/05/2018 07:02

I think he is BAVU unless for example he has always hated his job but done it to provide the income to allow you to do a job you’ve loved - if so maybe he doesn’t think you want to retire.

Have you asked why he wants to retire so early? Any health concerns or mental health issues? Is his job very very stressful or even does he worry he will lose it or be managed out soon?

Flowerpotbicycle · 19/05/2018 07:03

You have to “top up” because you gave birth to his children WTAF?!

43percentburnt · 19/05/2018 07:04

Very selfish. He is basing being able to retire early on you working until retirement. Suggest he works full time to 65 and you put 100% of your pay into your pension to catch up! Is this out of character for him? If he is retiring early presumably he will do 100% of the wifework at home from that moment on, especially as he has no young children to care for.

My pension is larger than dhs because he is at home with the kids. Doesn’t mean I expect him to work whilst I sit at home in retirement.

BikeRunSki · 19/05/2018 07:04

I’d bill him for years of childcare. That will top up your pension nicely.

PlumsGalore · 19/05/2018 07:10

^ this.

I'm actually shocked at his suggestion.

Original poster

catdoctor · 19/05/2018 07:24

Thanks for reassuring me I'm not BU.
Haha to divorce comment!
He does have health concerns - nothing current, more of an epiphany type event. I don't blame him for wanting out early, I'm not attached to my job, I'd stop too given the chance but not sure that I'll be getting the chance in his world view.

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 19/05/2018 07:24

is he normally a shit or has he just not thought this through?

Happinesss · 19/05/2018 07:27

Do you do joint money now such as ‘family money’ or are you finances seperate ?

Original poster

catdoctor · 19/05/2018 07:31

Joint finances - everything in one pot since forever.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 19/05/2018 07:36

He's an idiot. You should retire at 60 too, or when he does.

NewYearNewMe18 · 19/05/2018 07:39

We're just accessing pensions - you do realise he might not take a pension that continues to pay out after his death, which would leave you in financial straits - hence your need to make sure you do have your own provision

Missingstreetlife · 19/05/2018 07:39

So use joint money to do the topping up. Saving now to spend later.
Does he earn more than you?

MrsMozart · 19/05/2018 07:39

Has he said why he thinks he gets to retire early while you're still working? Has he explained why, taking all factors into account, that's fair and equitable?

Original poster

catdoctor · 19/05/2018 07:44

His pension transfers to me on death.
He did earn more than me whilst acquiring his final salary scheme- currently we earn the same.

OP posts:

lanbury · 19/05/2018 07:45

Wow, my goodness, he has a very odd attitude to this YANBU! You could always wait till he retires and then bump him off and get his pension! joking aside he should most definitely be looking at it as a joint picture.

MyNameIsTotoro · 19/05/2018 07:50

I dunno. If he can retire as his pension will bring in enough to cover what is required of his financial contribution then fair enough. If he's expecting to retire early and for you to pick up the slack then he can get to f* as that's VVU.

Our pensions are different. Mine is better. If I want to go early I will but that's based on a projection of needing to bring in circa £1k a month to the household pot. If my pension can do that then great. If it would bring in less then I wouldn't expect DH to work longer to top it up!!!

Liverbird77 · 19/05/2018 07:53

He is being ridiculous. You don't need to top up anything. You're in a partnership. This has made me so angry. You've had his children, helped to build his home and supported him for years. He needs a reality check!

PrimalLass · 19/05/2018 07:56

I would start topping up from the joint finances. Surely him suggesting that is ok?

Alienspaceship · 19/05/2018 07:57

Do some calculations about how much he owes you for the time you spent having his children - half of that is yours. Do the same for any career sacrifices you made for childcare etc. Do this with him. And show him this thread.
I’m surprised you want to spend any of your retirement with such a selfish mysogynist....

Pinkprincess1978 · 19/05/2018 07:58

This is a difficult one as there is a fairly large gap in your ages. If he were to retire at 60 would you want to be retiring at 54? That seems young. I think is reasonable that if he gets to retire 'early' at 60 you make financial arrangements so that you get to retire at 60 too. That does mean that you will be working for 6 years while he doesn't. Are you ok with that?

My DH is only 2.5 years older than me but can get his pension (currently, this will probably change) at 66 where I am 67 (or 67/68, I can't remember) I have said when we come to retire we do it together - that said we still both have more than 20 years to go so things might change! Currently his pension is due to be more than mine as I was part time when children were small and also didn't progress my career so earned less grade wise. That's now evened out and there is the potential I will earn more than him in the future so I hope that come retirement time it's much in a muchness. It won't matter though, we are a one pot family financially.

thelonggame · 19/05/2018 07:59

I love the idea of asking him to keep working to enable you to put 100% of your wages in to top up your pension.
The man is living in dream land, is he really expecting that you work for 11 years after he takes retirement? I can understand him expecting that you will carry on working until 60, the same as him.
if he's so concerned that your family finances can't support him retiring at 60 unless you work until 65, then he needs to reconsider retirement.

DaphneduM · 19/05/2018 08:09

Your husband needs to take your needs into consideration here. Surely in a good marriage retirement is a life event to be enjoyed together? When retired it is more important than ever to work together on finances. We do have separate finances, but I give my husband half my share of all the bills, and other things like holidays, big car bills, house stuff etc are sorted out on a fairly fluid basis, sometimes he pays, sometimes I pay - it works well for us. Regarding pensions at present as I am older I have state pension as well as two private pensions - like you apart from a couple of short times I have worked all my life. My husband only has his work pension (defined benefit luckily - as are mine). He had no choice but to retire early, due to the public sector cutbacks - and I worked on for six months until the end of term, and then retired. You will find that the finances are never as bad as you think they will be, outgoings are much less (we went down to one car, which is fine but does require negotiation) - he needs to be made to see that it is a joint enterprise and pensions should be pooled.

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