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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD friend wanting to live with us.

42 replies

MomofCrazyLex · 18/05/2018 21:41

Please help. Need advice. A young man 16 will be 17 in July has asked to stay with us for a few weeks. His mother is a dead friend of mine.

The reason he has asked to stay with us is that his mom keeps inviting people to live in her home.

They live in a e bedroom 2 bath in the country. Currently there are 5 adults. Mom dad uncle 1 uncle 2 and uncle 3. There are four children Dds friend his 13 year old brother and 11 year old sister and uncle 2s 8 year old son.

Mom and dad have one bedroom. Daughter has one and uncle 2 and his son have third.

Two teenage sons share air mattress in living room and uncles 1 and 3 sleep on the couch.

Nome of the kids are doing well in school. There is a lot of fighting between allnthe kids.

The mom and dad are the only ones who work. And they have many animals.

The home is very crowded.

Aibu in letting the 16 year old stay for awhile. If I do let him stay how do I approach it with his mother.

Just to add if he did stay in my home he would have his own room. He spends many weekends sleeping there already.

Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
Original poster
MomofCrazyLex · 18/05/2018 21:42

His mother is dear friend not dead. Sorry.Blush

OP posts:
AnalUnicorn · 18/05/2018 21:43

Although you probably want to help, he may stay and never leave. What will change over the course of a “few weeks” that will make his situation improve ?

FullOfJellyBeans · 18/05/2018 21:47

I agree that you should consider how you and he will feel after the "few weeks" is over. It's likely he won't want to leave. Will you be OK with kicking him out or alternatively having him stay for longer. What kind of kid is he? Is he likely to need lots of boundaries set and will you be prepared to set them? etc.

Petitino · 18/05/2018 21:52

Agree with pp's - how would just a few weeks work? Why just a few weeks? Is it suddenly going to become less crowded at his own home in just a few weeks?

It's likely to turn into a permanent arrangement. Could you live with that? Can you afford that?

SecretStash · 18/05/2018 21:57

How nice of you.
How do you feel about it being long term?

LoveProsecco · 18/05/2018 21:58

Have you spoken to the mother about how he feels? Are all those relatives there short-term?

user1493413286 · 18/05/2018 22:01

If he’s old enough to move out then he’s old enough to tell his mum; then you’d have to step in and tell her that you’ve said yes but if she’s not happy with it you have to decide whether you’d say no to the boy or accept the end of the friendship.
Also have you thought about who will be providing financial support? If his parents don’t want him to move then they may not be willing to provide any money either directly to him or to you and even if you could sort out child benefit it won’t be enough to cover the costs of him living with you.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 18/05/2018 22:03

We had one of DS friends live with us for an extended period due to difficult circumstances at home. He says we saved his life. I didn’t hesitate

NewYearNewMe18 · 18/05/2018 22:04

He's at school/college? This is a welfare issue, over crowding. Ask to speak with the safeguarding lead. If you aren't comfortable doing that , search on your local council for childrens safeguarding and talk it through with them.

Original poster
MomofCrazyLex · 18/05/2018 22:10

Thank you for the replies. He is a good kid. Very polite and ambitious. He is determined to have a job before his 17th bday. Has not yet as living situation at home didn't allow him to have a job.

If it did turn into long term I would not mind. My thought is at least his parents know where he is and he hasn't run away and is still in school.

Money is not an issue with support as we can afford to have him.

Relatives are long term uncle 1 has been there 6 years. Grandma was there for almost 10 before she decided to Get her own place. Uncle 2 and his some moved in last September with no inclination to move out. Uncle 3 just moved back in last week.

I hope it doesn't come to choosing between giving this teenager a home and my friendship with his mother but I'm afraid it might come to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MomofCrazyLex · 18/05/2018 22:13

Sorry didn't say we are in US.

Yes I have done research on who to call about the overcrowding. Last time I tried to call I kept getting transferred departments and never got hold of anyone.

At this point he is spending the weekend here. With his parents approval. He just doesn't want to go back on Sunday to that home

OP posts:
FullOfJellyBeans · 18/05/2018 22:13

How lovely of you. If he wasn't likely to be much trouble I'd be incline to help. I'm surprised the mother is likely to be shocked by it (and presumably you don't live far and he could see her often). His living situation sounds unpleasant.

speakout · 18/05/2018 22:13

OP who is living in your home at the moment?
Is he friends with one of your children?

QuoadUltra · 18/05/2018 22:14

I think this is lovely of you and i’d want to do the same. However, how will this work? Why will things change in a few weeks? And teenagers are costly - what will this mean for your budget?

zzzzz · 18/05/2018 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MomofCrazyLex · 18/05/2018 22:21

He is my DD best friend. And she is my only child. Then DH and I so only three in home now and 4 if he stays.

The few weeks was what the young man said he wanted to stay at first.

He is hoping his mom will choose him over the extra people in the house.

I would be happy for him to stay till he finishes school in two years if that is what he needs to do.

OP posts:
speakout · 18/05/2018 22:22

How old is your DD? I am guessing also 16?

Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

AlpacaLypse · 18/05/2018 22:24

Money follows very young people around, child benefit and working family tax credit, plus a few other bits and bobs most importantly funding to get to school or college for under 18s.

Your young friends's home sounds like a bit of a car crash right now. But do you have room for him? Is he going to move into a bedroom that one of your family consider to be theirs?

AlpacaLypse · 18/05/2018 22:25

Sorry lots of xposts.

GinSolvesEverything · 18/05/2018 22:25

If I had the space I’d have him there in a heartbeat.

When I was a teenager my mum let a few friends of ours (mine and my sibling) stay long term when they had similar issues (separate times!) It was great being able to give a home to someone who may not have felt safe anywhere else, and it definitely made me a lot more empathetic to others as an adult.

You’d need to broach it with his parents first and make it an amicable arrangement ideally. Perhaps spin it as completely his idea and necessary for him to study / work / whatever.

FiloPasty · 18/05/2018 22:26

You sound fab, I was thinking today about family friends, whose house I spent so much time in during my teenage years. Different situation, I just had much younger siblings, and it they were a happy family in comparison to my warring parents.
It been 25 years but I feel I should thank them for how much I loved that time in their home.
My parents are thankfully divorced now and I love them both but I’m so grateful for my second home, you are doing a great thing x

RayDropofGoldenSun · 18/05/2018 22:30

As a teen I always hoped I'd be this kind of adult. If you can, do it. Just be super clear on what you expect, helping out, behaviour etc. It's a lovely thing to do

SometimesMaybe · 18/05/2018 22:33

I had a friend move in with my family when I was 17. I will never forget the kindness my parents showed to that girl and would do the same should my children’s friend be in the same position.

With me it was only for about a month as she got a tenancy but If was absolutely vital in that woman’s young life to get away from her family.

Echobelly · 18/05/2018 22:34

I think it sounds like a good idea, but if you agree to it, he should broach it with his mom and if talking to her you should phrase everything in terms of 'things seem to be getting crowded at your place and we think it would help him to have more space to set himself up with a job'

I expect it would be a good idea to set ground rules about what he might be expected to do around the house, should he contribute to any costs when he gets a job, what happens around him bringing house guests, how long is the arrangement expected to last and so on so that everyone knows what to expect.

dany174 · 18/05/2018 22:35

My parents did this for both a friend of mine and a friend of my brothers. It worked out well both times.

My friend stayed a few weeks when her parents where going through a very bad divorce. She is still very great full and speaks to them on occasions.

My brothers friend stayed because his parents needed to move for work but he did not want to change schools a year before exams so my parents offer he live with us for a year. I think his parents payed mine to cover expenses. In the end I don't think he appreciated it as much as he should have, but he was a teenage boy and they tend to be bit self-centred. He is no longer in contact with my brother or parents but he did well in his exams and my parents don't regret helping him.

If you feel it will help him, you have the space and its something you would like to do, then go for it. Have a honest sit down with his mother, you might be surprised in how she will take it. Don't make it sound like she cant take care of him but that it is something he has mentioned, that you understand that teenage boys might want there space and test there wings a bit, and you rather he do it where there is someone who can keep an eye on him, and that if she is okay with it you are okay with it. After that conversation its up to him to convince her that is a good idea.