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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Devastated DS dealing with lad banter dissing me, his mum !

76 replies

ohnolostmymojo · 18/05/2018 21:07

Hi there, long time lurker first time poster.
14 yr old DS has become a little recluse, not wanting to go to school or go out with friends etc ..... After a lot of chatting, heart to heart, DS confided in me to state his ‘friends’ are actually saying derogatory things about me. These are boys I have known for years and I know their parents. Apparently it’s lads banter gone too far based on you tube/ comedy show, but I am devastated. Personally I want to face these boys with their parents and say to my face what have they been saying. BUT , my DS has confided in me and has said he will deal with it. I don’t want to go against his confidence and I am pleased and proud he spoke to me. On the outside I am saying that I am thankful I know what’s been happening and also that it isn’t about him directly. Inside I am gutted.

I would really appreciate any advise regarding how to manage this conflict of respecting DS confidence against letting the parents aware.
Thanks. Feeling really low so please be gentle.

OP posts:
crackerjake · 18/05/2018 21:13

Reassure your DS that it doesn't affect you. He is not responsible for your self esteem.

What sort of things have they been saying?

Phosphorus · 18/05/2018 21:14

What are they saying?

Original poster
ohnolostmymojo · 18/05/2018 21:20

He won’t say, which is really frustrating. I think it is about sexual stuff but he flatly refuses to say. I am happily and faithfully married to his father xxx

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 18/05/2018 21:23

Hmmm....this is difficult OP. And more common than you may imagine.
Do you know any of the parents well - and are they reasonable and empathic? If so, I’d consider speaking to them in absolute confidence. Explain to them what is being said and the devastating affect it’s having on your son. And emphasise the need for utter discretion....could you pretend you’d overheard something and gone to them...thus taking your son out of the loop? IE - he didn’t tell you anything - you ‘overheard’ ‘read a message’ whatever?
These boys need to stop now and leaving your son to deal with it might be too big an ask of him. But I appreciate it’s a difficult one

OnTheporch · 18/05/2018 21:23

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Luisa27 · 18/05/2018 21:28

😐

Luisa27 · 18/05/2018 21:29

Have you discussed with your husband OP?

Luisa27 · 18/05/2018 21:31

And I agree, you’re right to be proud and pleased that DS has confided in you. Bless him.

Original poster
ohnolostmymojo · 18/05/2018 21:32

Thanks so much already for your messages.luisa27 I have thought of this. The main culprits parents I know really really well, and I know they would be devastated if they knew. I have offered to DS that I cold say I have heard about it elsewhere. I so want this boy to look at me in the eye and say what he has said about me. I also know he has said stuff about another close family friend mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohnolostmymojo · 18/05/2018 21:33

Ontheporch, that’s not nice, sorry to hear that x

OP posts:
Ohlalasayohla · 18/05/2018 21:38

Your DS sounds wonderful. First he defends his mum above his friends, then he doesn't want to engage in their crap by 'sorting it out'.
You are raising the right kind of man. Amazing - I want to be like you.

Maybe discuss further. Does he think his friend is a real asshole or just a young guy making mistakes that he could be guided through? If I were you I would trust your DS opinion. He sounds wise.

Fuckedoffat48b · 18/05/2018 21:38

OnTheporch you could have reported that to the police.

Original poster
ohnolostmymojo · 18/05/2018 21:39

Discussed with DH. And we all had a ‘family chat ‘. Only happened today so letting DS process it. Trying to get him to keep control and make the right decision. Would hate for him not to feel that he can talk to me and then lose control over the situation. I am pleased he has spoken to me.

OP posts:
NC4Now · 18/05/2018 21:42

You need to make the point that it’s clearly not true and they are being idiots, but not to rise to it.
I’m guessing it’s the whole ‘your mum’ thing, but if he shows it gets to him, then they’ve got the reaction they were looking for.
Bless him for defending your honour Flowers

Original poster
ohnolostmymojo · 18/05/2018 21:43

Thanks Oglala, I really do think he is having to also make decisions on friendship groups. He has stated some of his long term friends are making bad decisions and are being immature. Do. You know what, I am realising how proud I am that he is defending me. I think I should respect how he wants to manage the situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
ohnolostmymojo · 18/05/2018 21:45

Thanks NC4. Yep, I think you are right. I really appreciate the wise words of mumsnetters to put things into perspective xxxxx

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 18/05/2018 21:47

...in that case I’d speak to them over the weekend - with my DH alongside me and say we’d heard it elsewhere. I’d explain we want it dealt with now as our son is suffering immeasurably, and that we don’t want the situation to escalate.
If this were my son, I’d intervene immediately, and whilst I’m sure you trust your son and his judgement implicitly- I don’t think it’s fair to allow the responsibility of how this is dealt with to be decided by a 14 year old boy.
Poor lad - I do feel for him. A similar thing happened to a friend of my sister - thankfully it was dealt with swiftly and pretty comprehensively by the parents.
Sending Flowers - it’s bloody unpleasant

Luisa27 · 18/05/2018 21:49

Just read your last posts - he sounds very mature and utterly lovely

Original poster
ohnolostmymojo · 18/05/2018 21:50

Thx, I agree with you. With you 27. Will have a chat about it over the weekend. Thanks so much for your wise reassuring guidance xxxx

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 18/05/2018 21:53

My gut feeling is please don’t break your son’s confidence. If he gives you permission to approach the parent saying that you overheard or whatever, that is one thing. But a communicative 14 year old boy is a thing to cherish. Don’t use it against him.
It’s a really tricky one, teenagers talk utter bullshit 96% of the time they are together, none of it sounds very savoury. But it seems how to be In your peer ‘s company Is long slow learning process. Very little chance of them being “themselves”, all bluster and bad acting.
So there is a huge chance they don’t “ mean” what they say. I know that’s not really what it’s about, and the lesson is that you don’t say vile stuff about people. But as you don’t know what is being said, it’s a tough one.
Keep listening to your lovely son.

Original poster
ohnolostmymojo · 18/05/2018 21:59

Thanks ohyesiam. I am cherishing the confidence and maturity he is showing at a particularly tough time in his development, this is why it is so tricky as I would hate to break his confidence. This is my first experience of a 14 year old, which is why the advice of you experienced mumsnetters is invaluable xxxx

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 18/05/2018 21:59

I think it is important to let your Ds' friends know that you do talk to your Ds and that you also talk to their parents. I don't quite know how you might get that message across to them but the important thing for the friends is that they understand that you all communicate with each other and sooner or later the shit will hit the fan if this 'banter' continues.

FreeMantle · 18/05/2018 22:07

Ok you are the parent. The adult. He's looking to you for the judgement not them.
From experience the nastiest kids are the ones exposed to something pretty grim themselves,.
Reinforce that you care and love him above anything that anyone is saying.
However you an " embarrassing mum" ? Have they found you on a Tinder or something? You need to be very strong. Do not apolgise if it's normal adult behaviour, try and change PDQ if it's not.

Original poster
ohnolostmymojo · 18/05/2018 22:14

Thx Fremantle. Nope I am not on any social media thank you, Facebook, instagram etc..... It’s based on pure banter, what hurts, is I have know 2 of these kids since primary, sleep overs etc.... I have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. I have stated that I am HAPPILY married to his FATHER, so sorry, but I find it insulting that you refer to tinder.

OP posts:
lenaperkins · 18/05/2018 22:20

I had this. It's 'a thing'.

My advice? Just take the piss out of the lads to your son. 'Do you think I give a shiny shit that your friend wants to have sex with me?/ Or thinks I'm a MILF/ Or not a MILF.'

The most mortifying one was when ds was at primary school and some boy called me ugly. So ds responded 'Well your mum's so ugly your dad left her.' Unfortunately the parents were separated. So my DS got punished ...