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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Devastated DS dealing with lad banter dissing me, his mum !

76 replies

ohnolostmymojo · 18/05/2018 21:07

Hi there, long time lurker first time poster.
14 yr old DS has become a little recluse, not wanting to go to school or go out with friends etc ..... After a lot of chatting, heart to heart, DS confided in me to state his ‘friends’ are actually saying derogatory things about me. These are boys I have known for years and I know their parents. Apparently it’s lads banter gone too far based on you tube/ comedy show, but I am devastated. Personally I want to face these boys with their parents and say to my face what have they been saying. BUT , my DS has confided in me and has said he will deal with it. I don’t want to go against his confidence and I am pleased and proud he spoke to me. On the outside I am saying that I am thankful I know what’s been happening and also that it isn’t about him directly. Inside I am gutted.

I would really appreciate any advise regarding how to manage this conflict of respecting DS confidence against letting the parents aware.
Thanks. Feeling really low so please be gentle.

OP posts:

boilerhouse2007 · 18/05/2018 22:22

if it is just sex mum jokes-teenage boys do this ALOT. I am not justifying but I work with teenage boys and they do it alot, it really is nothing personal but just immature jokes. Even my own brothers used to do it with their mates as jokes. It's a guy thing. Most boys laugh it off so this surprises me and just give it back, is your son very sensitive?

ChocolateWombat · 18/05/2018 22:25

Is this about you defending yourself and your reputation, or about the kind of chat they are engaged in?

I would try to get past the personal hurt and if you want to address the issue, do it in terms of generally inappropriate chat, rather than the stuff about you.

It's a very hard one. Boys (and girls too,more has to a lesser extent) say all kinds of stuff, some of which is ridiculous and some truly horrifying. On one level I would make it clear to him that when conversation makes him feel really uncomfortable he should just walk away. If my child was involved in saying horrible stuff, I would appreciate another parent telling me (I hope I would appreciate it anyway) - quite what you do then to deal with it and help them see where the line is, is difficult. Are there any online resources about this? is it covered in PSE in school? Banter will happen, but how dontheynlearn to draw the line and how far does inappropriate or horrifying chat influence actual behaviour? Not easy.

boilerhouse2007 · 18/05/2018 22:30

''Your DS sounds wonderful. First he defends his mum above his friends, then he doesn't want to engage in their crap by 'sorting it out'. ''
while i see your point, you also have to be careful about this-being too serious or been over sensitive. Boys will be boys and generally make mum/sister jokes, if your son is over sensitive rather than give it back or blow it out of proportion then lads will just do it more . Sometimes in peer groups with banter like that you just have to laugh along with it and throw it back. If he is over sensitive it makes him a prime target for bullying and exclusion. Be careful not to make this into more than it is. It is usually not personal and more wind ups. They are adolescents and will makes sex jokes about each others mums/sisters/cousins, it's highly normal.

TroubledLichen · 18/05/2018 22:34

Have you seen The Inbetweeners OP?

I don’t necessarily think it’s right but from what you’ve described it isn’t abnormal for teenage boys. Your DS sounds wonderful and an absolute credit to you but I wouldn’t interfere in his friendships and say anything to the boys or their parents. Just tell you son they are immature idiots, that you are not bothered or upset and that he can continue to confide in you.

As an aside, my best male friend growing up had a very young and attractive mother and he never heard the end of it when we were teenagers. Thankfully all the boys involved grew out of their idiocy and for the most part are now respectful men in their late 20s/early 30s.

BrownTurkey · 18/05/2018 22:37

Could you show him the whats app messages shared by those lads at Warwick Uni that got them chucked off their courses, and say that if it is at that sort of level then his friends should be reported?

BrownTurkey · 18/05/2018 22:38

Also, I am so sorry this has happened for you - this is not you, this is misogyny. Grr.

boilerhouse2007 · 18/05/2018 22:42

''I don’t necessarily think it’s right but from what you’ve described it isn’t abnormal for teenage boys. Your DS sounds wonderful and an absolute credit to you but I wouldn’t interfere in his friendships and say anything to the boys or their parents. Just tell you son they are immature idiots, that you are not bothered or upset''

exactly i think ppl here are blowing this out of proportion, sounds like typical teenage boy banter just. I hear it every day of lads doing it to each other.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 18/05/2018 22:46

I must admit that a schoolmate of my DS has slagged me off to him in a similar fashion. (And I've never even met this boy!) My DS was left struggling with all sorts of horrible feelings but I tried to explain to him that it was all just silliness. Bullies know how to press buttons and are looking to say whatever will get the biggest reaction.

OP, I think this kind of thing is actually quite common. Your DS loves you and wants to defend your honour, which is very commendable, but please try not to get too upset about it yourself.

boilerhouse2007 · 18/05/2018 22:46

''Could you show him the whats app messages shared by those lads at Warwick Uni that got them chucked off their courses, and say that if it is at that sort of level then his friends should be reported?''

Seriously get a grip, they are children-teenage boys taking the piss out of each others mums, I am surprised ppl here are surprised and acting shocked over this like it is a massive deal or that it's personal or unusual behaviour. Such a storm in a teacup.

NotTerfNorCis · 18/05/2018 22:50

I'm sorry to say this, but most likely they are using you to get at him. It's probably nothing to do with your personally. I'll bet it started as a joke and most likely one boy in the group keeps pushing it. Kids that age will say some horrible things for a reaction.

NobodysChild · 18/05/2018 22:53

Don't do anything. It's just teenage banter. Your son has opened up and confided in you, as to what is wrong. If it has got bad enough for your son to want to stay away from school and not socialise with these 'friends', then talk to him about moving in different circles to avoid having contact with them. Talk to your son about activities he'd like to participate in, thus giving him the opportunity to forge new friendships outside of the school environment.

missyB1 · 18/05/2018 23:00

Jesus wept the amount of people on here minimising and excusing this kind of vile mysoginistic behaviour is depressing. Just because it’s common doesn’t make it acceptable, and doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be challenged. Racism is very common, should we just say “oh well it’s a bit unpleasant but very normal”

OP congratulations you have raised your son right, he knows his mates are bang out of order.

NC4Now · 18/05/2018 23:06

I don’t think anyone’s saying it isn’t misogynistic - just that if he doesn’t want to be a target, he needs to let it wash over him.
I can only teach my son to be a good man, and not to make those kind of jokes. I’m not responsible for everyone else’s boys.
Fact is, they will hear this stuff. By not giving it an audience, it is shutting it down, but in a way that protects them.
I don’t think this is something to go all big guns on. Just teach them to be the bigger man.

MrsTommyBanks · 18/05/2018 23:09

Very usual behaviour. It's pre/teens pushing boundries.
All of my 3 experienced this from friends. I didnt get involved, futher than supporting them. And they all survived unscathed.

IamEarthymama · 18/05/2018 23:13

I am shocked at the number of people saying, Let it go, it is just banter
It is not just anything, it is extremely disrespectful to a parent.
These boys need to learn that they cannot just say anything they want.
Bloody hell, back in the day in a mining community they would have had seven bells knocked out them for being rude about a mother.
That isn't right, but I would prefer it to this cool response of that is what boys do. It shouldn't be the default setting st all.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 18/05/2018 23:19

No, it’s not just banter. It’s horrible that we think it’s ok to just let boys say whatever they like.

My husband is Korean and he loved the Inbetweeners but he really did not understand the jokes about each other’s mums. It simply would not happen in his country, not because people are so nice, but because people show respect for each other’s families.

We don’t have to accept this stuff as inevitable.

TatianaLarina · 18/05/2018 23:22

It’s not banter - it’s part bullying of DS (by insulting close relative) and part misogyny.

Ohyesiam · 18/05/2018 23:38

Have I missed the bit where we found out what the boy said?
So many people are saying it either doesn’t matter or it’s misogeny, but I’ve missed what “it” is.
Someone enlighten me.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 18/05/2018 23:38

However you an " embarrassing mum" ? Have they found you on a Tinder or something? You need to be very strong. Do not apolgise if it's normal adult behaviour, try and change PDQ if it's not

Are you kidding me? We should change who we are/what we do/;what we wear/how we look so as not to make ourselves the target of teenage boys? Really? I feel quite sure my 14 year old is fundamentally devastated at having me as a mother but no way on this earth would I ever change who I am to suit his so-called ‘friends’.

I actually can’t believe you wrote that.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 18/05/2018 23:47

I think you need to give him the message that you can handle this. There are two brilliant things about this, your DS talks to you and respects you, and he’s not so lost he feels he had to join in to keep them. Thirdly, that he doesn’t do thus himself!

Please do give him a massive hug and massive praise.

The other part, which is what you do with this next. It’s tricky. No easy solutions. Involve your DS and have an adult discussion. Lay out the options and see which ones might be best.

Say this is not the most important part to you. The most important part is that he did great, he made good decisions and is he okay. It also involves how he wants to grow or not with these friends. So take the pressure off your DS. Allow him time to think too.

I’d allow some questions and debate. Why would they say this? How can this kind of thing be coped with in the future? To help DS.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 19/05/2018 05:23

I don’t think anyone’s saying it isn’t misogynistic - just that if he doesn’t want to be a target, he needs to let it wash over him.

So, yes it’s misogynistic, but you need to suck it up and let it happen lest you look like a pussy.

Socialisation in a nutshell.

disappearingninepatch · 19/05/2018 05:46

It’s not banter - it’s part bullying of DS (by insulting close relative) and part misogyny.

^This

Olicity17 · 19/05/2018 06:32

At some point you will have to step in. But let him hanle it before.

youarenotkiddingme · 19/05/2018 06:32

My ds experiences this "your Mum is ....." and "when your mum does ....." 'banter' in year 8 (year 9 now) and it also affected him. He was very defensive of me and his reactions made them so it more.

I spoke to him and asked if he really thought I cared about what a bunch of smelly spotty teen boys who have never met me think? He kept saying but they are saying .....

It took a while but eventually he understood it didn't affect me or hurt me and he shouldn't allow it to affect him as they are just words. I also taught him some phrases to use back like "yeah I know - she goes to x place to do it with your Mum"

It was a stupid phase in the groups lives that passed pretty quickly.

youarenotkiddingme · 19/05/2018 06:35

Ontheporch my ds has that in year 6. I reported to Ht and made it clear it was a safeguarding and police matter and would become sonic yheh didn't deal with t appropriately.
At the time it was when rape was in the media about a footballer and knowing the lad that said it I think it was more stupidity but I pointed out he needed to know the seriousness of what he said.

That's very different to this stupid "Mum" banter.

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