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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EXH told me wrong day for funeral

40 replies

ABeautifulSunnyMonday · 18/05/2018 14:46

A family member died recently. I was very close to his DW & very much wanted to attend his funeral.

Ex asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was attending to which I replied yes. I remember the date he told so clearly because it is my DP birthday the following day.

Speaking to someone last night & I said are you going to xxxx funeral?
They replied ‘ oh it was last week ‘

I was stunned. I immediately messaged my Ex & phoned the person whose DH had died to give my apologies.

Ex said I need to see someone to get my hearing checked as I had misheard the date. But I know absolutely I didn’t because of DP Birthday.
I think Ex did it on purpose to make me look bad in front of his family
I’m thinking maybe I’m going mad

OP posts:
DontDrinkDontSmoke · 18/05/2018 14:47

He gaslit you.

Be glad the twatbollocks is an ex.

Namechanger1776 · 18/05/2018 14:48

God that sounds like the shit my ex husband would pull. Does the date sounds similar to the one that the funeral was on?

Highhorse1981 · 18/05/2018 14:49

He’s ex for a reason. This kind of behaviour.

Don’t waste another moment thinking about it. Then he wins

redastherose · 18/05/2018 14:49

If he used to gaslight you when you were together and say he'd told you things he hadn't then you are probably right and he did tell you the wrong date on purpose. If he didn't then either you remember it wrong or he told you the wrong date, annoying but nothing you can do other than never ever rely on him for telling you anything like this ever again.

Mulberry72 · 18/05/2018 14:50

What an awful thing to do to you OP! Flowers

Horrible gaslighting twat!

That should just cement the reason why he’s your ex!

Eastcoastmost · 18/05/2018 14:53

That is just horrible. What a nasty thing to do and so so unkind when the bereaved person may well have welcomed your support.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 18/05/2018 14:55

Why did you check with him and not with people actually organising the funeral??

Walkaboutwendy · 18/05/2018 14:57

My husband's ex wife did this. She didn't tell him his cousin had actually died until after the funeral (he was working overseas when cousin was killed in an RTA). So he had no chance of saying goodbye. Her reasoning was she didn't want him wasting his holiday time Confused he never forgave her for it.

BlueEyedBengal · 18/05/2018 15:00

Yes he played you it happened to me and my mother . We met my mother's cousin in town and she asked "why didn't you come to the funeral " it turns out my mothers other cousin had pasted away and they had told my sister (who is 10yrs older than me and we have n c for 10 yrs ) could she let us know that the funeral was at such time and such place and she didn't . She went to the funeral and when asked said, that we were busy and couldn't attend. 6months later we met the cousin and she was truly shocked that my sister could do that to us and them. Some people are just full of hate and spite and will try to blame you to cover their arse. Hold your head up he will be the one looking bad just make your apologies and move on , just keep one eye always on him in the future.

ivykaty44 · 18/05/2018 15:00

What goes around comes around...

BlueEyedBengal · 18/05/2018 15:03

So true about what comes around goes around.

MadMags · 18/05/2018 15:04

Sorry, I’m confused. Did your ex’s family member die or yours?? Confused

Sassparilla · 18/05/2018 15:07

MadMags What difference does that make?

Ethylred · 18/05/2018 15:08

This reply has been deleted

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MadMags · 18/05/2018 15:08

@Sassparilla plenty, actually.

Because if it’s OP’s family it’s weird that he was told and not her, and it’s worse that he kept the date from her. Is that ok?

Original poster
ABeautifulSunnyMonday · 18/05/2018 15:10

It was my Ex’s DU but I am very close to his DA. We met once a week for coffee. She was incredibly supportive to me during our ugly divorce.

The rest of his family have shunned me since our divorce despite us being married for 27years.
I probably should have checked but TBH I accepted what he said as the timing from death to funeral fitted IYSWIM.
This if anything has clarified many things.

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 18/05/2018 15:11

Well none of us know if you misheard or mis-remembered or if he told you the wrong date. Moving forward, don't trust your ex for information.

MadMags · 18/05/2018 15:16

Oh god. Do you think it was on purpose because nobody wanted you there? Dickhead!

RubberJohnny · 18/05/2018 15:16

If you are so close to your exh's aunt, why didn't you call her to chat and show her you cared? Then you could have sorted the funeral date out and maybe even been ther for her like you say she was for you?

diddl · 18/05/2018 15:18

How does thinking that it was your partner's bday mean that you didn't mishear?

Did you feel unable to ask his Aunt?

Hygge · 18/05/2018 15:20

That was a mean trick if he deliberately misled you OP, to you and to his Aunt.

I'm sorry he did that to you and I'm sorry about the mean comment on this thread as well.

Flowers to you and to the Aunt who also suffered from his behaviour.

MightyMucks · 18/05/2018 15:22

OP, it wasn’t nice of him to tell you the wrong date, but do you really think it would have been appropriate for you to go?

You really don’t get on with his family who are grieving, and it is the aunt you are close to rather than the Uncle. I think phoning and sending a card would have been much more appropriate. After all, the DA had not contacted you with details or indicated she expected you to be there. I think your presence may well have caused extra distresOtherwise it might well look like you were putting your own desire to make a point above the deceased right to a dignified funeral and were either trying to cause tension or stir trouble. Reinserting yourself in to the life of an ex when it’s unwelcome is really a bit undignified.

saiya06 · 18/05/2018 15:30

Turning up at a funeral uninvited against the wishes of the family? Er, ok.

MadMags · 18/05/2018 15:36

Hmm. Actually reading some of these responses I think maybe it mightn’t be such a bad thing that you weren’t there.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 18/05/2018 15:40

My exh took delight in telling me my aunt had died and I was banned from the funeral! After getting a letter from her solicitors with the funeral details on I gave them a ring enquiring why the details if I was not to attend? I was very much to attend and also to collect a vast cheque and family heirloom.
Fucking exh was a sicko.
Oh and aunt hated him but he still attended and mingled with relatives of mine he had never met!!