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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EXH told me wrong day for funeral

40 replies

ABeautifulSunnyMonday · 18/05/2018 14:46

A family member died recently. I was very close to his DW & very much wanted to attend his funeral.

Ex asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was attending to which I replied yes. I remember the date he told so clearly because it is my DP birthday the following day.

Speaking to someone last night & I said are you going to xxxx funeral?
They replied ‘ oh it was last week ‘

I was stunned. I immediately messaged my Ex & phoned the person whose DH had died to give my apologies.

Ex said I need to see someone to get my hearing checked as I had misheard the date. But I know absolutely I didn’t because of DP Birthday.
I think Ex did it on purpose to make me look bad in front of his family
I’m thinking maybe I’m going mad

OP posts:
greenberet · 18/05/2018 15:41

Op I don't doubt for one minute that this was anything but deliberate - my x is continually causing shite between myself and my kids that as yet I am unable to prove is deliberate to upset the relationship I have with them - but one day it will reveal itself.

Why do people assume that the Op would want to attend the funeral to stir up trouble FFS - even in circumstances like this people are capable of being dignified and respectful and why should she not attend to show her support - Just because her X's family are incapable of behaving like grown ups!

Sorry Op you missed this - I too know what it is like to be shunned after 20 years of marriage - people that sent you cards etc for 20 years year in year out suddenly stop because X went off and had an affair - except they probably don't know this do they - given some bullshit or another to keep the family reputation intact!

Send the DA a card or call her - you never know maybe she didn't like the rest of the family much either and your relationship with her could move to another level

And the reason the Op probably didn't double check is that it is hard to believe that some people can be such nasty c&&t's!

Original poster
ABeautifulSunnyMonday · 18/05/2018 15:42

Thank you for the mostly kind replies.

I didn’t know you had to be invited to a funeral. Ex’s family although they shun me would have been pleasant & would know I wanted to be there .
I had intended slipping into the church & sitting at the back. I wanted to pay my respects.
I’m going to leave it there due to some unpleasant remarks. I know this is AIBU & fully expect YANBU/YABU but nastiness is uncalled for.

I know the date he gave me 100%.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 18/05/2018 15:44

Well, it sounds very much like your XH did that deliberately, but I can see the point of PP who say that as you were on poor terms with the rest of the family it might not have been all that appropriate for you to go to the funeral. Send the widow a nice card, or call her; invite her to come for coffee. It's quite often more comfort, in the long run, to have someone keep in touch with you and spend time with you after the funeral, than for them to be one among many funeral guests.

Trinity66 · 18/05/2018 15:49

Well none of us know if you misheard or mis-remembered or if he told you the wrong date. Moving forward, don't trust your ex for information.

Yeah pretty much

MightyMucks · 18/05/2018 15:53

Yes, SGB makes a good point about helping the widow out now, that would be a lovely thing to do especially as she’s supported you in the past.

MiggledyHiggins · 18/05/2018 15:58

Time for you to return the kind gesture of support she showed you and meet up for those coffees again. She sounds lovely and probably knows exactly what a prick your ex is.

MadMags · 18/05/2018 15:59

Yes, I’d concentrate on continuing your friendship with the aunt.

It wouldn’t have been right to go when ex and his entire family shun you. Even if they have no reason to!

AlpacaBag · 18/05/2018 16:06

Some people just shouldn't comment if they can't say anything useful or kind....

Feel for you OP, what a mean thing to do, hope the aunt understood, I'm sure she will xxx

BrownTurkey · 18/05/2018 16:06

I don’t know, me and my Mum managed to get mixed up about a funeral date, it certainly wasn’t intentional on either part.

whatamistake · 18/05/2018 16:08

What a wanker op. Sorry 💐

sugarbum · 18/05/2018 16:13

He could have gotten the date wrong himself OP. Then not admitted it. Only you know his level of twattery. Sorry you missed it Flowers

steff13 · 18/05/2018 16:36

Ex said I need to see someone to get my hearing checked as I had misheard the date. But I know absolutely I didn’t because of DP Birthday.

Your ex may be a bastard, but you thinking it was the day before your current partner's birthday doesn't prove that you didn't mishear the date.

Juells · 18/05/2018 16:48

I was very friendly with a close friend of my MiL, and she stayed friendly with me after divorce. She got a letter from my ex saying she wasn't welcome at the funeral when the MiL died. People can be very petty.

AdaColeman · 18/05/2018 16:50

Similar happened to me when an old friend of many years died.

Ex phoned me two or three times to tell me that we had both missed the funeral, but I knew we hadn't as I'd checked on a funeral notices website.
I realised he was trying to prevent me attending it, and I was reminded what a liar he had always been.
I wrote to the widow instead.

persypear · 18/05/2018 17:57

Don't worry SunnyMonday lots of people know that people like your ex are only too real and revel in sabotaging others. Sometimes it helps to have a reminder of what people are really like though and I am sure your exDA won't hold it against you.

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