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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for suggestion on what to do with my teens

35 replies

Ifuckinghatethatdog · 18/05/2018 07:43

I have 2 teens who are 14 and 15.

I work shifts and 2 weeks in every 5 I have to leave for work at 6am.

On those days my teens truant from school. They just don’t go.

I don’t know what to do. I’m getting phone calls at work to say they’re not there (I work as an anaesthetic ODP in theatres so I get bleeped) if they can’t get through to me they ring my mum (she lives 200 miles away so can’t physically help) and I can’t leave work half way through an operation to get them to school. I have no outside help at all.

I’ve tried taking their phones/xboxes, grounding them, bribing them. I’ve taken their keys off of them, removed all food and drink from the house so there’s nothing to eat on those days, but nothing bothers them. I’m at the end of my tether and I just don’t know what else to do.

I’m a single parent (widowed 9 years ago) and can’t give up or change my job. My work can’t be flexible about start times - I have to be there at 7 on those shifts to get theatre prepared.

I’ve been told that I’m going to get fined for the unauthorised absences, I’ve told the kids but they just don’t care.

What can I do?

Please help!

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 18/05/2018 07:54

Have you spoken to the school about this? And about how ringing your Mum is pointless?

I wonder if they'd have someone they could send round...that's what's needed here. If not, I would be sorely tempted to speak to my local police and ask for their advice.

I know they're busy but if one could knock on the door and say "Get to school!: then that would scare them.

gabsdot · 18/05/2018 07:57

Could they stay the night with friends who are going to school next day.

JustDanceAddict · 18/05/2018 07:59

School will get the EDucational welfare officer involved if attendance drops below a certain level and then there’s meetings etc (I work in a school). I would work with school to resolve this. Talk to the dcs about why they do it - bullying, the work, general cba?

flissfloss65 · 18/05/2018 07:59

Can you sit down with them and explain the impact their behaviour is having on you? That they need to be far more responsible.

That if you gave up your job to ensure they go to school then there would be very little money. Maybe restructure home life so they have more chores and are more accountable. Talk about what they want to do in the future and how they will achieve that missing so much school.

Sounds really hard for you and sorry if my suggestion is to simplistic.

Joboy · 18/05/2018 08:00

Change their school they obverse don't like it .
Or pay someone to sleep over night and get them up for school. And stay with them if they don't go in.

HateSummer · 18/05/2018 08:00

I’m sure the police have better things to do than getting truants to school!

You should organise some kind of taxi or childminder who can do a school run on that day. How are they with strangers? Would they listen to them? Also speak to the school and ask their advice.

pilates · 18/05/2018 08:03

I would arrange a meeting with the school and let them know what you have just said. Your boys are on a slippery slope. What reason do they give for not going? If they have a truancy officer speak to them saying their mum could go to prison if they continue truanting. May be an incentive, if they both manage a full month, a small treat at the end?

Theworldisfullofgs · 18/05/2018 08:05

How far is your job from their school?

Make them go to work with you and school from there. Tough if it's too early - they obviously can't be trusted.

Storm4star · 18/05/2018 08:05

I’ve been told that I’m going to get fined for the unauthorised absences, I’ve told the kids but they just don’t care

This is totally unacceptable. Honestly I think you’re going to have to come down really hard on them. That means not only taking away x box and phones etc when it’s those school days, or for one or two days as a punishment. I would make it permanent until you can trust them to go to school. I would take away every single privalige, which they then have to “earn” back by going to school.

I totally sympathise with you but from the schools perspective, it is your job to make sure they’re at school. I think you’re going to have to be really harsh on them.

Storm4star · 18/05/2018 08:09

And yes as another pp said, in the end you can actually be prosecuted and end up with a criminal record if this continues. I’ve worked in a court and seen it happen to people so this is a serious situation.

Floralnomad · 18/05/2018 08:10

Agree with pp either take them to work with you and they get to school from there or get a babysitter to stay overnight on those nights to sort them out . I assume they go ok when you are there to get them out of bed .

meiisme · 18/05/2018 08:13

Like other posters said, can you ask the school to help to make happen what you both want, ie get the kids in school, rather than get into a battle where you consider the school the problem? One of my DC refuses to go to school sometimes and I saw that coming, I told the school and they promised to send someone over to pick them up if it came to that point. They've had to do it twice, and now DC goes to school with lot less trouble. Mine is younger than yours, but it might still be worth a try to get the school on board as an ally. However unfair it is, you are legally responsible for getting them in and I think you should get yourself all the help you can.

Original poster

Ifuckinghatethatdog · 18/05/2018 09:05

Thank you for your replies.

I have had meetings with the school and they’re sympathetic but as pp have said they’ve made it clear that it’s my responsibility to get them to school.

When I’m home in the morning they just get ready and go! No quibbles. I do think it’s the getting up out of bed that’s the problem - if I’m not there to wake them up then they just don’t.

I work a bus and train away but their school is a 5 minute walk from home. I can’t really take them to work with me as there’s no where for them to actually go when I’m working (and I doubt my colleagues would be impressed)

I don’t have the space for anyone to sleep over the night before but the childminder or babysitter is a good idea, if I can find someone willing to help. Maybe even the suggestion that I’ll do it will be enough to spur them into actually going as I’m sure it would be embarrassing for them to have someone walk them to school.

Arrggh I don’t know.

OP posts:

ThankYouGillian · 18/05/2018 09:22

Could you get them up, dressed and fed before you leave? I realise it's early, but this is something I will have to do with my DS soon. I have no confidence in him getting himself up, but if he's up I think he'll go to school!

ThankYouGillian · 18/05/2018 09:23

I also intend to have various alarms set, so he doesn't just sit on the PlayStation......

ghostyslovesheets · 18/05/2018 09:31

I'm so cross on your behalf OP - how disrespectful are they to you and your work - I bet it pays for their phones, x boxes, clothes etc - I'd be furious if mine tried this (also lone parent with 3 - 2 are teens the same age)

I agree hiring someone to be there to get the little sods to school may be the way forward. Also turn EVERYTHING off before you leave so they have no access to internet etc.

I'd be tempted to get them up and dressed at 5am and drop them at school 3 hours early !

I'd also be having a very serious talk about their behaviour and it's impact on you and them

Liljan0 · 18/05/2018 09:31

I really sympathise with you I was widowed with a 13 & 15 year old, and very much on my own. It was horrendously difficult having to work and leave them to their own devices for 2 hours after school, roll on 10 years and I couldn't wish for better kids, but I'm so glad those early years have passed....You say it's getting out of bed that's the problem...I would get your children up with you and have them eating their breakfast before you leave at 6am...see if that works.

WaxOnFeckOff · 18/05/2018 09:31

Sounds from you are saying that it's laziness rather than badness?

If you eliminate any other issues such as bullying or whatever at school, they clearly do have respect for you as they go to school when they know you are there. I'd have a frank talk with them about respect for you and taking responsibility and how these things can affect their future, what ambitions they have etc.

I am by no means a soft touch, but at the end of the day these boys have lost their father and by the sounds of it need to buy into their future rather than just getting punishments, you get more results with a carrot than a stick. Remind them that they are loved. Can you divide and conquer? is one more likely to respond to appeals than the other? Do they get on well?

Is there any chance of them getting part time work or doing some activity where they have to take responsibility for getting themselves organised e.g. gym class/football?

Could you just get them up and ready before you go even though it's really early? Then get them to do some jobs etc before leaving for school. Get one of their friends to call for them on the way to school?

ghostyslovesheets · 18/05/2018 09:32

oh when my DD1 was excluded for 2 days I took everything to work with me in the car - phone, sky box, internet router - all of it - she was bored rigid

AgentProvocateur · 18/05/2018 09:48

OP, when I was at uni, a neighbour paid me to go into her house for an hour in the mornings when she was working early shifts. I’d get her (teenagers) up, make sure they left for school and lock the door. They HATED having someone just a bit older than themselves come in, so they usually got up out of embarrassment. Is there an older teen nearby who you could pay £10 to do this every day?

metalmum15 · 18/05/2018 09:58

It seems strange that they happily go when you're there, I think they don't go when you're not because they know so far they've got away with it. They probably have no intention of even getting up on those mornings. It's very disrespectful. I agree with pp, you need to get them up and dressed before you leave, even if it means they're dragged out of bed at 5am. Also, maybe stricter rules, like no consoles etc all week until they've done a full week at school, but then a treat of some kind at the weekend to show you appreciate the fact they've done as you asked. I feel for you, it must be really hard to know how to deal with it.

BlueJava · 18/05/2018 10:09

That's really tough OP. Have you explained to them the consequences of them not being at school and you losing your job? Really spelt out the hardship - no money, fines for non-attendance etc?

Alternatively is there another parent you could trust (and pay) to pick them up in the morning that they have to get up for? So explain to the parent and they let themselves in and get them to school? If it's was a mum/dad of friend they may be too embarrassed to stay in bed?

YouTheCat · 18/05/2018 10:15

Do your kids have any savings? If you get fined, make them pay it.

Somewhereovertheroad · 18/05/2018 10:36

No practical advice to offer. Just posting a hand hold. This must be a major stress for you.

Original poster

Ifuckinghatethatdog · 18/05/2018 10:52

@ghostyslovesheets I h e a box in my locker just for the router/ipads/phones etc

They do have savings and I have said that they’ll have to pay the fines but it doesn’t seem to bother them.

My son (the youngest) has got up and gone on a few occasions, probably 4 or 5 times but my daughter won’t. There’s no bullying, they’ve both seen the school counseller and been in to a meeting with the welfare officer with me but all we get are empty promises to get up and go in.

I prefer the idea of getting them up and ready to leave beforehand. There’s a 24 hour McDonald’s in town near my bus stop that they could have their breakfast in, so I could drop them there i guess. Can’t help thinking that it’s rewarding their defiance though but I suppose the ends justify the means.

It was so much easier when they were little 😢

OP posts:

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