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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD is NOT being cheated on?

44 replies

Realisticpessimist · 18/05/2018 07:40

DD has been in a relationship with a guy who is 21 for four months. She herself is 20. Anyway, this guy has it quite rough but is very lovely, clearly loves her and has said so quite openly. When they first starting going out, he told DD he’s been cheated on before and made it clear they they were exclusive. They had general chats about cheating whereby he said if he wanted to cheat or be with another girl, he’d always break up with his girlfriend first and would never touch another girl whilst dating one. So all in all, he seems a nice guy DD can trust.

He left his Facebook open and a name was on his chat history. It was deleted from recent messages but not from the whole history, so DD took a peek. Note it’s not unusual for this guy to delete messages- he deletes conversations not ongoing anymore.

So DD read it.

The content was the following. It turns out they met before, when DDs boyfriend was homeless and lived with his best friend and parents. The girl lived next dear and is 16/17. So 4/5 years younger.

In the messages there was general chit chat. Her boyfriend made a mention of how he had popped over to see her. Another time her boyfriend was visiting his best friend and requested he popped out to speak to her. He also said Happy Valentines Day to the girl, but also with no flirting. Like you’d say Happy Birthday. The boyfriend is from a culture where they celebrate everything, ie, would say happy Valentine’s Day to your mother. Again followed by general chit chat. At no point was there actual flirting. No x’s, nothing to suggest he was interested in her as more than a friend.

DDs boyfriend doesn’t have many friends, either. So why shouldn’t he able to able to talk to one friend who just happens to be a girl?

He’s messaged the girl on another plataform as well, but again, just friendly. Not even a single, flirty message!

I’ve told DD they are just friends, clearly, and that her boyfriend doesn’t have many around here and she should leave it alone. In the last his ex girlfriend messaged him and he deleted it, and told DD about it. So he hasn’t hidden stuff before. He lets DD use his phone and left his Facebook logged on. Not exactly trying to hide stuff. DD has read all these messages easily.

Her boyfriend has other friends he hasn’t mentioned until recently, either, albeit guys. So he doesn’t tell her about every detail of people he’s friends with, so not weird he hasn’t mentioned the girl.

So AIBU to say my DD needs to stop, her boyfriend has a FRIEND who is a girl and she needs to stop or she will ruin her relationship?

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 18/05/2018 08:16

Yes your daughter needs to stop as either he will dump her, or worse cheat on her then dump her.

I've dumped boyfriends who can't cope with the fact I have male friends'. My OH has female friends' and has had to cope with his ex being suspicious of them even though most are a lot older.

bonnyshide · 18/05/2018 08:20

Your DD needs to get a grip. She will lose him if she is paranoid and unreasonable.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 18/05/2018 08:25

You dd is being very insecure. I really don’t think she should deprive this guy of his friends.

Jealousy is an awful character trait!

TinyRick · 18/05/2018 08:29

You seem to know an awful lot about all this.

Are you the BF?

Furano · 18/05/2018 08:30

Your DD is coming off quite bad here! Insecure and jealous and invading his privacy. She’s in danger of pushing him away.

TheDinosaurRoars · 18/05/2018 08:31

Are you the DD?

pigeondujour · 18/05/2018 08:33

Note it’s not unusual for this guy to delete messages- he deletes conversations not ongoing anymore.

A totally normal thing to say, and tone in which to say it, about your daughter's boyfriend. Blush

Claire90ftm · 18/05/2018 08:34

I think YABU. It's your daughters relationship and we're hearing it from your side. Yes she may be insecure and it may be in her head, however it's also her relationship. There may be other reasons which she hasn't discussed with you. Just leave it alone.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2018 08:34

Do you have any other hobbies ?

JessicaJonesJacket · 18/05/2018 08:47

I think you're very naive if you think someone saying they won't cheat and are exclusive means they won't cheat on you and are exclusive.

Stop meddling in her relationship. Stop teaching her that someone saying they won't cheat is worth anything. Stop taking the bf's side over your DD's.

She has to work out her own boundaries and society will do a damn fine job of teaching her that she should give men the benefit of the doubt in the face of a multitude of evidence I'm not saying that is the case here but it's the lesson you are teaching her so you don't have to do that too.

notanurse2017 · 18/05/2018 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 18/05/2018 08:49

this is really bizarre. Of course snooping is not a good habit to get into, but if she has instincts going off about her boyfriend, then surely as her parent and even her friend, youd be warning her to listen to her instincts

qwertyuiopy · 18/05/2018 08:52

She’s twenty! I’ve never known a mother so enmeshed in their adult child’s life as you seem to be!

Leave her alone to learn on her own. You are interfering in a twenty year olds relationship!

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/05/2018 08:52

Wow you do sound a tad over invested.. just let her make her own mistakes and be who she is - no point in hectoring her to suppress it in order to have a relationship survive that otherwise wouldn’t.

Original poster
Realisticpessimist · 18/05/2018 08:52

I may seem over involved, but it’s hard when the boyfriend spends 75% of his time with DD and I have her constantly skulking in the kitchen and venting to me. She has insecurity issues, but they haven’t been this bad before. Her last boyfriend was so shy, never even messaged another girl, yet the same happened. My daughter obsesses over her relationships, she freaks out if her boyfriend hasn’t said he loves her for a day or so. I know these are unpleasant traits, she knows this and tries to hide it. Howevever she believes she isn’t over reacting this time. Hence I wanted some clarity.

I don’t see myself as too over involved for wanting to vent about my child who is relying on me a lot, and I do mean a few hours every day or so of us going over her issues. Sad

I may be over involved but I’m this involved now due to the sheer amount of time we’ve spent going over this.

OP posts:
Juells · 18/05/2018 08:54

@JessicaJonesJacket
She has to work out her own boundaries and society will do a damn fine job of teaching her that she should give men the benefit of the doubt in the face of a multitude of evidence

Is that what you meant to say?

I'd find it odd that someone would announce that they'd never cheat.

EdmundCleverClogs · 18/05/2018 08:55

Your daughter has aged 4 years in a few days?

HopefullyAnonymous · 18/05/2018 08:56

Assuming you are actually her mother, I’d stay well clear of it all and let her make her own mind up. Wouldn’t fancy being you if you tell her to ignore her gut and it turns out he is a cheat after all!

ArtBrut · 18/05/2018 08:57

My daughter obsesses over her relationships, she freaks out if her boyfriend hasn’t said he loves her for a day or so. I know these are unpleasant traits, she knows this and tries to hide it.

But she needs to stop hiding it, as if it's some spots she can cover over with foundation, and start working on dealing with it -- this is not a cosmetic issue, if she is this disablingly insecure in her relationships. Counselling if she can find someone good?

And OP, in the nicest possible way, spending hours every day listening to her vent and analyse, is enabling a situation that is doing her no favours. I get that you worry about her, but you're making it worse by giving her insecurities so much airtime. Step back and suggest she gets help.

Tattybear16 · 18/05/2018 08:59

Unless you’re concerned because your daughter has special needs issues then you need to step away. Your daughter sounds needy and very insecure, is this her first relationship? Leave them be, stop taking sides and step gracefully away from the relationship. Yes she’s your daughter but she is also an adult, she’s 20 not 5 years old. In the UK, she can legally drive, drink, place a bet, get married, move out, join the army, own a pet...............the list goes on.

If it falls apart you can be a shoulder to cry on, but right now you need to step back. Your daughter is showing him who she is, perhaps he should listen and find someone who trusts him.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/05/2018 09:01

But even if we say yes or no or whatever that's not really going to help anything is it Confused. Just be a confidant for your daughter without writing missives on the web about her relationships. She's only 20 fgs. Don't be drawn into these sort of dramas. You are far too involved.

Veterinari · 18/05/2018 09:01

If you’re spending hours going over her issues then I think she needs to see professional help - counselling and strategies to deal with her anxiety and insecurities. Her behaviour isn’t Normal and if she seeks the help she needs now, she increases her chance of developing appropriate behaviour patterns.

Original poster
Realisticpessimist · 18/05/2018 09:02

I didn’t want to be too revealing, but I guess I need to include more detail now as I look like a crazy obsessed mother. She is my step DD, but Mum is not involved. I see her as my DD, but biologically she is not my daughter. I married her father only 5 years ago, so whilst I have no hand in raising her, we are close and I am the only mother figure she has.

She has many issues, bulimia and anxiety included, but is not normally so intense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Realisticpessimist · 18/05/2018 09:03

I also need to vent as my DH won’t listen to her. Surely sometime can understand having a young adult relying on you entirely for emotional support is so stressful?

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 18/05/2018 09:04

Oh is she, righto, my mistake obviously.

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