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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DD is NOT being cheated on?

44 replies

Realisticpessimist · 18/05/2018 07:40

DD has been in a relationship with a guy who is 21 for four months. She herself is 20. Anyway, this guy has it quite rough but is very lovely, clearly loves her and has said so quite openly. When they first starting going out, he told DD he’s been cheated on before and made it clear they they were exclusive. They had general chats about cheating whereby he said if he wanted to cheat or be with another girl, he’d always break up with his girlfriend first and would never touch another girl whilst dating one. So all in all, he seems a nice guy DD can trust.

He left his Facebook open and a name was on his chat history. It was deleted from recent messages but not from the whole history, so DD took a peek. Note it’s not unusual for this guy to delete messages- he deletes conversations not ongoing anymore.

So DD read it.

The content was the following. It turns out they met before, when DDs boyfriend was homeless and lived with his best friend and parents. The girl lived next dear and is 16/17. So 4/5 years younger.

In the messages there was general chit chat. Her boyfriend made a mention of how he had popped over to see her. Another time her boyfriend was visiting his best friend and requested he popped out to speak to her. He also said Happy Valentines Day to the girl, but also with no flirting. Like you’d say Happy Birthday. The boyfriend is from a culture where they celebrate everything, ie, would say happy Valentine’s Day to your mother. Again followed by general chit chat. At no point was there actual flirting. No x’s, nothing to suggest he was interested in her as more than a friend.

DDs boyfriend doesn’t have many friends, either. So why shouldn’t he able to able to talk to one friend who just happens to be a girl?

He’s messaged the girl on another plataform as well, but again, just friendly. Not even a single, flirty message!

I’ve told DD they are just friends, clearly, and that her boyfriend doesn’t have many around here and she should leave it alone. In the last his ex girlfriend messaged him and he deleted it, and told DD about it. So he hasn’t hidden stuff before. He lets DD use his phone and left his Facebook logged on. Not exactly trying to hide stuff. DD has read all these messages easily.

Her boyfriend has other friends he hasn’t mentioned until recently, either, albeit guys. So he doesn’t tell her about every detail of people he’s friends with, so not weird he hasn’t mentioned the girl.

So AIBU to say my DD needs to stop, her boyfriend has a FRIEND who is a girl and she needs to stop or she will ruin her relationship?

OP posts:

RebeccaWrongDaily · 18/05/2018 09:06

i don't understand why you would be so invested in the relationship of two adults?
Why do you think it is healthy that they spend 75% of their time together

It doesn't sound healthy, your interest in this, the relationship itself, your step daughters mind. I think you need to step back and support her.

Tattybear16 · 18/05/2018 09:10

Just seen your last post, I think she would benefit from therapy or counselling, which the gp would be able to organise. There is no stigma attached with seeking help, she may find it therapeutic and helpful to have a discussion with someone impartial. You can be supportive, and you can take her, it will help her emotional well-being and may provide her with a better understanding of how / why she reacts the way she does. Good luck

supersop60 · 18/05/2018 09:10

Now it's making more sense. my DD is 17 and has had an eating disorder and suffers with anxiety and depression. She had doubts about her BF, and it turns out she was right. He seemed like a decent bloke (to me anyway) but he was continually messaging another girl, who he is now with. i should have told my DD to dump him if she didn't trust him. OP, you should too. Let your DSD sort herself out first.

HoneyBadger32 · 18/05/2018 09:12

Your post is much much much weirder than her reaction! Why are you so involved? You're also being quite mean about your daughter and her character. You really don't sound like you are supporting her, if you don't built your kids up it is probably to be expected that they will have some self esteem issues.

JessicaJonesJacket · 18/05/2018 09:14

@Juells is that not what I said?

ToffeeUp · 18/05/2018 09:17

If she is unhappy and having doubts, you should support her in leaving the relationship. She should know that she can break up with him for any reason, however petty they seem to you.

IrmaFayLear · 18/05/2018 09:23

Having experienced a parent who is waaaaay over-invested in a dc's life and the dc waaaaay over-sharing, to the tune of hours a day, with said parent, I say you are doing your dd no favours whatsoever. It is teaching them that this issue - nay, ever issue - is Vitally Important and is worthy of being discussed for hours on end. Ime it encourages narcissism and the dc expects the whole world to be as interested in them, and of course every single person (including partners) falls short.

This is a boyfriend, not her dh or fiance. They have known each other for five minutes. How about just a cheery "Plenty more fish in the sea" (because there are when you're 20) and suggest you go shopping or whatever and try to do anything except dissect The Boyfriend.

MrsPepperpot79 · 18/05/2018 09:30

It is tiring and I can see why you feel so involved - it's not easy being the permanent shoulder to cry on.
HOWEVER - the behaviour she is exhibiting is not normal (even for over-thinking 20 yr olds) and you giving her the time to over-analyse is enabling her slightly obsessive behaviour. BF might be fine, BF might not - that is really a side issue. Your DD/DSD needs to chat to counsellor (does she have one re her ED? Is the obsession linked to similar issues - control etc?) or to the GP to get one so she can learn to manage her feelings of insecurity in a more appropriate way.

Juells · 18/05/2018 09:38

@ JessicaJonesJacket

Juells is that not what I said?

It just seemed like the opposite of what you said in the previous paragraphs...

think you're very naive if you think someone saying they won't cheat and are exclusive means they won't cheat on you and are exclusive.

Stop teaching her that someone saying they won't cheat is worth anything. Stop taking the bf's side over your DD's.

...which I most definitely agree with!

llangennith · 18/05/2018 09:42

What MrsPepperpot79 says.

JessicaJonesJacket · 18/05/2018 10:58

@Juells I've been up all night with a poorly DC so am not at my most coherent

Mousefunky · 18/05/2018 11:06

Take her to see a counsellor, she needs help.

Creambun2 · 18/05/2018 11:07

Is she more middle class than her boyfriend?

Juells · 18/05/2018 11:08

@JessicaJonesJacket

I know the feeling

MrsPreston11 · 18/05/2018 11:09

If you're really the mother than DD has far more to worry about than her boyfriend.....

Sunisshining12 · 18/05/2018 11:27

Leave them to it, that’s how they learn!

SomeKnobend · 18/05/2018 11:32

Back off, you're way over invested. He might be cheating, he might not. Deleted messages aren't usually a good sign tbh, but who the fuck knows? Certainly not you.

mavismcruet · 18/05/2018 11:36

I agree with @MrsPepperpot79, the bf is a red herring. Her anxiety and insecurities are the things you need to be focusing on.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 18/05/2018 16:15

Hours every day?? Bloody hell.... If he's not cheating your dd needs some focused help.... At 20, really should have grown out of the 4 hour daily obsession.... 'does my boyfriend really really love me!'

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