AIBU to ask for advice on how to deal with this better next time?

[tattyheadsmum]

I was in the park today with my (almost) 2 year old. He ran towards the (two) toddler swings and an older boy (around 4) saw where he was heading and ran for the same swing and grabbed it. There was no jostling for one swing; my son turned to get into the one next to the one that the older boy had grabbed. Before I could get there, the older child had deliberately swung “his” swing into my son’s face really hard. My son cried in that awful can’t breathe way that lets you know they’ve really hurt themselves. He’s going to have a black eye in the morning by the look of it.

The older boy was with a (lovely) nanny, who was horrified at what he had done and made him apologise to my son and me. I didn’t say much as this is the first time that anything like this has happened and, tbh, I didn’t know what the etiquette was! I thanked the boy for apologising, but is it the done thing to also tell another person’s child off (so should I have said “ thank you for apologising but you’ve really hurt my boy”) or is that for parents to do? I know it’s ridiculous and there’s bound to be much worse ahead but I’m left feeling that I didn’t do enough for my boy...although I think dropping the nut on a 4 year old probably isn’t the done thing either . Not the most exciting AIBU ever, I know, but I’m genuinely interested in how other people would have handled this.

The boy apologised and was reprimanded by his guardian. Nothing else for you to do other than accept the apology gracefully.

Aah it's shit when stuff like that happens.

Your poor boy. If it's any consolation though, one day your DS will be having a pig of a day and you'll be the one apologising for something he's done...you'll be grateful that someone accepts your apology with the grace that you did.

I wouldn't tell the kid off if they've already been dealt with by their Guardian.

Thanks for everyone’s replies. It’s hard to know what to do for the best in the moment.

I wouldn't have thanked the boy for apologising.

“I’m glad you’ve apologised because actually that really hurt my boy and hitting people just isn’t on”
That way you’re accepting the apology, pointing out the harm done and letting your son know you hear him.

I would say something in that circumstance- he did it on purpose and is a lot older than your son. You don’t have to tell him off, just say thanks for apologising but you shouldn’t behave like that, you’ve hurt someone younger than you

I would have gone mental!

As the mother of an, um - sometimes boisterous boy - I have a pretty high threshold for my dc getting hurt.

But what that boy did was deliberately vicious and at 4 - if he really was 4 - I would expect much more.

I wouldn't have thanked him for apologising, though I wouldn't have been a shit about it. I'm pretty sure I would have told him off before the nanny managed it though, just from sheer horror.

If my ds had done that i would have punished him eith time out as well as making him apologise.

Did the nanny take him home? Was she with another child too which stopped her intervening with the 4yo sooner?

The boy should have been made to get off the swing for your ds. But you can’t dictate how another person parents / looks after a child in their care. What IfYouseeRita said is a very good reply.

ItsNice, he was 4, the nanny said so when she was getting him to apologise.

We both got to our children at the same time and I was mainly engaged in comforting my son, but if something like this ever happened again, I think I’d say something like Resting or RitaMoreno suggested.

As an aside, don't beat yourself up for not saying anything. It's very hard to react on anything other than instinct in the moment, and your first thought was comforting your son. The poor thing.

I agree with pp that I think a telling off wasn't actually sufficient for that sort of behaviour, though at least the nanny saw.

Think you handled it fine. Agree with Fwend as hard as it is to see your child hurt you will remember this day at some point in the future when you are apologetic for something your dd has done and be hoping that parent is as gracious as you.
That 4 year old seems huge to you right now compared to a not quite 2 year old but it’s still little really and 4 year olds still aren’t great at thinking things through.

Zen, they did go home straight afterwards and the nanny made clear to him that she was going to tell his mum.

MummyofLittleDragon, the older boy didn’t get on the swing, he didn’t want to. He was only around them because he wanted to tease my son. He basically headed straight for the one that my son was aiming for, solely to stop him getting into it. And then when my son didn’t react and just went for the one next to it, he prompted a reaction by hitting him with “his” swing.

Thank you again for all the replies. I have been beating myself up about this because I did feel as though I should have defended my son more.

It sounds like the nanny dealt with it well and in the circumstances I wouldn't have said anything further.

4 yo children have a long way to grow up. They are little more than babies really and don’t have the cognitive ability to fully understand the consequences of their actions. However, he’s not going to learn what is and isn’t ok if he doesn’t get proper consequences. The nanny should have taken him off the swing. The apology was meaningless imo he will have learnt that if he pays lip service, he gets his own way.

You will come across a lot of different parenting / care giving styles along the way. My dd, who is almost 10, now sees how other children behave and tells me when she thinks if something isn’t ok. She had a friend around the other day and she asked me if I like her friend because she was cheeky a couple of times to me. She did say some things, which I wouldn’t be ok with dd saying. Of course I like the child. The behaviour irritated me though.

I should have added, I’m sure strict parents will say I’m too lax and permissive parents say I’m too strict. I try to mostly to adhere to authoritative parenting style. Don’t always succeed though.

Am going against the grain here, not over how you handled it, but how it could have been avoided. Mine had a long leash but not near the swings after i saw a tiny run in front of one. Under 4's need a hand hold near swings because the cannot perceive the danger.

OhTheRoses
You’re not going against the grain. I totally agree with you. I was the same with dd.

The nanny should have taken him off the swing. The apology was meaningless imo he will have learnt that if he pays lip service, he gets his own way.

But the OP said that the 4 year old didn't get on the swing, and that after the apology the nanny took him home & said she'd tell his mum?

As a parent of a two year old I guess you're wondering how you should have handled it in part because you want to know how to handle it a second time and i just want to reassure you how rare this is

Hope he's feeling better this morning.

The nanny apologised profusely, told him off, made him apologise and go home. I don’t think anything needed to be handled differently

The nanny apologised profusely, told him off, made him apologise and go home. I don’t think anything needed to be handled differently

This.

I mean, what else do you want? The boy did something nasty, but short of publicly flogging him, his guardian did everything possible to rectify the situation.