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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people forget that autistic people grow into adults?

114 replies

BobblyQuim · 17/05/2018 13:28

There's so many threads on here where people's behaviour is described as odd, crazy, creepy, weird, and so on for not being as the OP or people replying would expect. Today for example, I've seen two threads were one woman was described as an oddball for putting a handbag in a plastic bag and another is an overreacting drama queen for her OTT reaction to some upset in class.

There's so much vitriol on these types of threads towards someone who has acted in an unusual way. Does anyone ever consider there may be a reason for their unusual behaviour? Like autism?

I know not everyone that gets written about on here will be autistic but statistically it's likely that some of them are. Autistic children grow into autistic adults. They are out there in all walks of life. It might be nice to bear in mind sometimes when writing someone off as weird, a drama queen, an attention seeker etc. Autistic people don't just cease to exist at aged 18.

AIBU to think that people seem to forget that?

OP posts:
ILikeMyChickenFried · 17/05/2018 13:31

I think there are an awful lot of undiagnosed autistic adults. I think I'm probably one of them tbh from what I've learnt in the quest to get my son a diagnosis.

When people think of autism they tend to only think of the severe cases, not of the people who live normal, independent lives.

I think YABU to assume anyone who is a little different is autistic though.

HecTick · 17/05/2018 13:32

I agree with you that people seem to forget autistic children are still people.

But on the other hand I find it quite insulting that you imply people who are odd, crazy, creepy, weird must be autistic...

Fattymcfaterson · 17/05/2018 13:33

There is still so much ignorance towards autism. Most people who have never encountered someone with Asd honestly have no idea and go on stereotype (rainman anyone?)
Awareness definatly needs to be raised

KreigersClones · 17/05/2018 13:36

Yep, odd and creepy must mean autistic

Femfreshhhhhhh · 17/05/2018 13:36

Yuppppp. I wasn’t diagnosed until early adulthood, and even then only because i realised because I happpened to read a book about autism, and pursued diagnosis.

I’m torn though - on one hand, it’s good that MNetters are often aware that perceieved unusual behaviour may be because the person has SN. On the other hand, I hate the irrevocable association of autism with poor behaviour. Part of the reason I was never diagnosed as a child or teenager was because I was very well behaved and overtly compliant.

I’m fairly sure a lot of people have found and do find me fucking irritating. Why am I so enthusiastic about weird things? Why am I so “fussy” and pedantic? Why don’t I just _? Why am I so... WEIRD?

Femfreshhhhhhh · 17/05/2018 13:37

That said, I don’t think I’m creepy or unpleasant.

Branleuse · 17/05/2018 13:41

we are expected to be able to just overcome it by adulthood and realise exactly the appropriate social responses. Surely shunning or ridiculing people every time they get it wrong will work eventually

Original poster
BobblyQuim · 17/05/2018 13:45

But on the other hand I find it quite insulting that you imply people who are odd, crazy, creepy, weird must be autistic...

Mumsnet comprehension at it's finest. Please read again and see that I said those are the words people on here use to describe behaviour that isn't as they expect. The behaviour that isn't as they expect is what I'm talking about. It is the words people use that bothers me in the first place.

I clearly say that people who behave in ways that we would not expect get described in those terms. Some people who behave in ways we do not expect are autistic.

And there's my whole issue.

OP posts:
TheNoseyProject · 17/05/2018 13:54

Yes and no. I agree that people are less tolerant of adults when they should be. But, having worked in a few settings, people who are meant to be helping/supporting kids with high functioning autism in some settings also forget this and invest a lot of time educating others and very little time on interventions which might help the kids negotiate the head-fuck that is adult life.

Fact is, you can’t shout and scream at another person and expect no repercussions when you’re an adult.

picklemepopcorn · 17/05/2018 13:56

I often think that when I read behaviour that is not typical. People whose priorities seem very off kilter, more concerned with following the plan or routine than with the feelings of the people involved.

However, if you ever suggest such a thing, be prepared to be jumped on for 'diagnosing over the internet' or 'blaming bad behaviour on autism'.

HecTick · 17/05/2018 13:58

Some people who behave in ways we do not expect are autistic.

And many are not.

I really don't see how encouraging people to link odd, creepy, weird with being autistic is helpful to anybody. Least of all autistic people.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/05/2018 14:05

There's so much vitriol on these types of threads towards someone who has acted in an unusual way. Does anyone ever consider there may be a reason for their unusual behaviour? Like autism?

Actually, I find the total opposite on MN.

I've read hundreds of threads over the years where it's suggested that someone behaving unusually might be on the autistic spectrum or have a reason for social impairment or similar.

It happens very frequently in my experience. MN posters tend to be pretty switched on to the possibility.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2018 14:06

The behaviour of the woman on the thread about college marks is described is unacceptable. Additional needs or not. Autism is not a synonym for unreasonable behaviour in adults. If the woman indeed has Sen, allowances need to be made but these cannot be at a cost of others. I agree society needs to be more tolerant. But be damned if I would tolerate another person bullying my tutor into marking my assignment down.

Storm4star · 17/05/2018 14:06

I think the world in general would be a better place, if we stopped focusing on how people “should” act and accept that people can be different to the “norm”, but that in itself it is not a problem to think or act differently to others, as long as it’s not harming others. If that makes sense? In other words, embrace our differences rather than be rude about them!

I know I’m a bit of an oddball! If I analyse my self I can see signs of Aspergers, Bi polar, maybe a personality disorder or three! But I decided it just doesn’t matter. I try to be kind to others and not hurt anyone if I can help it. And that’s good enough for me, and seems good enough for my family and friends too.

Tinkobell · 17/05/2018 14:11

weve 5 ASD family members ....of varying function. There is sadly sweet FA for adults on the spectrum support - wise. Huge amounts of General ignorance too. We find people assume a mould....do they have a tick, do they organise everything, do they avoid eye contact, dislike pets etc.? Sometimes there's disappointment when you say, no to these questions!

InsomniacAnonymous · 17/05/2018 14:12

I strongly agree with SheGotBetteDavisEyes

Sirzy · 17/05/2018 14:14

They do and the support is even worse than for children.

However I do get annoyed when people post something on here about “unusual” behaviour of an adult and people automatically assume they must be Autistic. I don’t think that does anything to help anyone!

Tinkobell · 17/05/2018 14:15

I am interested to know from ASD high functioners what their thoughts are re: disclosure to friends, family, work etc. Has it, on balance been a positive or negative thing?

BarbarianMum · 17/05/2018 14:15

I applaud the sentiment but it's easier said then done. Social animals (and we are one) are predisposed to and conditioned to learn to "read" their social groups - to use body language, tone, posture, language - to predict the mood and actions of our fellows (is he angry, is she lying etc). It's pretty engrained and when you meet someone whose cues aren't quite right it can be disquieting at best and awkward/frightening at worst. Of course, as humans we have big brains and can overcome that initial reaction with effort. That's sometimes useful but can also be dangerous depending on what type of neurodiversity/neurotypical person you've encountered.

BeyondThePage · 17/05/2018 14:16

My sister is autistic.

People do not understand - and she was screamed at by one mother for continually muttering under her breath at a screaming (ironically also ASD) child.

Storm4star · 17/05/2018 14:17

However I do get annoyed when people post something on here about “unusual” behaviour of an adult and people automatically assume they must be Autistic. I don’t think that does anything to help anyone

This annoys me too.

GingerIvy · 17/05/2018 14:22

My older child is a preteen and autistic. As he gets older, I note that people are less and less tolerant. I worry about when he is an adult.

UrgentScurryfunge · 17/05/2018 14:24

I know a couple of adults that for a variety of reasons, I suspect are on the autistic spectrum.

Interestingly another (close) family member has wondered about the family member I wonder about. He is a good person and means well but can be incredibly pedantic over a range of things. His interests are specialised, meticulous and very much project based. He'll do a DIY project then within a few years while it is still immaculate, start again replacing it with another. He can be brusque and socially awkward. He has physical behaviour that could well be self soothing. He can just switch mood and have to move on home. Life is very routine and planned with little deviation. Some things feel like they are done because that's what you do. If he is on the spectrum, he is fortunate to have found his comfortable niche in life and employment and hasn't undergone some of the difficulties that could trigger adult diagnosis. We are a bit chalk and cheese, but rub along pleasantly and since wondering about autism, I have found some of his "eccentricities" easier to accept.

A friend was identified as borderline along with ADHD, and when the diagnosis route began, many of his quirks just fitted. Again understanding his resistance to spontaneous (essential) changes of plan made sense.

So yes, there will be a lot of people with "milder" but eccentricities who weren't identified in their youth due to educational climate or adaption. However there are a lot of people out there that don't have underlying unidentified SEN or mental health issues and cause harm to others around them. The existance of SEN, be it identified or not is not a carte blanche for everyone to carry on as they like and cause harm to others.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 17/05/2018 14:28

Yes you're correct but they could very easily have BPD, OCD, have suffered some trauma or been around people who act very different to most people.

Many things can make someone different.

I rarely judge those for behaving differently or 'weird' as I think it can even be very good, I don't want to see carbon copies of people.

I do judge blatant nastiness, violence etc and it's reasonable to do so. You do have to protect your own interests whilst also being respectful of others.

Kingsclerelass · 17/05/2018 14:30

Tinkobell, I was diagnosed in my 40s having worked it out for myself. I have one sister who shares the same symptoms and we talk about it sometimes.
I haven’t told work because I fear being labelled and discriminated against. I don’t want to give anyone a stick to beat me with Smile. I have learnt to keep quiet and keep my head down.

I told my ex when I asked for a diagnosis and his reaction was unsupportive in the extreme so I haven’t told anyone else.

It was still useful to be diagnosed though, because I now know why things don’t always go well, and that helps. I don’t feel so much to blame.