When the tables turn and you need to look after your parents...

[mrsflems1]

Hi all

I feel as though I have hit complete burn out this week with my mental health and I really don't know what to do to get myself out of this rut. I just feel completely overwhelmed and I think the root of my problems is my parents dependence on me.

I really feel terrible for posting this as I know both of my parents are ill, my dad has early onset Alzheimers and my mum suffered a brain aneurysm and stroke 2 years ago but I just feel as though my mum wants the earth from me.

I work and also run my own business and I'm a mum to young children as well. There aren't enough hours in the day, if I don't answer my mums calls or texts immediately she appears at my work or my house. She demands I do things for her, I was off ill all week last week and my mum arrived at my house with bills that I had to sort for her, there and then!

I feel guilty because all I keep thinking to myself is "you weren't there for me when I needed you" When I was younger my parents priority was their social life and circle of friends and we would be often sent away to babysitters or families for days at a time, then when I was old enough I was left to my own devices a lot of the time. But now with their illnesses they need me and I really struggle to say no to them.

AIBU??

You are effectively a carer to your parents. You should look in to getting a carers assessment through the carers trust. It's hard to do this for your parents especially with your history from your childhood. My friend is in the same boat with her own and seeing how emotionally drained and upset she gets is awful. I feel for you.

No, you are not. This is a very tough number that you will need to be very structured and measured about what you are able and willing to do. Boundaries need to be put in place to protect you. Delegate anything you possibly can. If you become ill they would have to manage

First of all, you don't NEED to look after your parents. It probably sounds harsh, but they have their lives and you have yours.

Secondly - do you have siblings?

Thirdly - are your parents in a position to source some paid care? Is there or has there been any input from healthcare, social care, occupational therapy?

Is your mum really not capable of sorting out a few bills, or has she just got into the mind-set that you owe her your time and energy, and you are the default carer now?

Whatever - you need to put some boundaries in place immediately and stick to them without feeling guilty. You have enough on your plate, and your own family of DC/DH or partner should be your priority.

You need to be quite firm and explain to your mum that you cannot be at her beck and call, and only offer to do what you can reasonably do, when you can reasonably do it. And if that isn't good enough then ask her what she is going to do for herself.

Thanks RatherBeRiding

You are exactly right, she probably could do things but has become so dependant on me she just expects me to do it all now.

No siblings, my younger brother was killed in an accident 12 years ago.

The sandwich generation, its so hard.

It won't be easy but you need to set some boundaries. Set specific times that you can be with your mum and other times you can do her admin etc.

Tell her on a Sunday what you have on over the week and when you will be able to speak to her and answer any texts. (don't be afraid to add in a couple of little white lies so you have some 'me' time) Make it clear that she can not interrupt your work and you will answer texts etc at a set time that evening.

Is she able to connect with any of her old friends?

Good luck

I'm in a similar position. Strong boundaries and obtaining outside help are essential imo. It is really hard, especially when they resist outside help!

The only solution here is changing your own behaviour - you can't change hers.
But you will have to accept there is no nice way to do this and it will be very unpleasant whilst you change her expectations.
My mum is the same. It is very hard work and a continual battle.

Same issue here. Toughening up, disengaging, accepting you can only do so much, encouraging them to retain their independence wherever possible. Keeping calm, valuing yourself and remembering to be compassionate as possible.

This is a hard road. Hugs to you.

About to embark on this too, and it's hard.

My mum wasn’t there for me at all as a child, in fact she walked out on us. So, although we do speak now, I will not be caring for her if she becomes ill in any way. It helps that I live a couple of hours from where she is, but I wouldn’t be doing it if she lived 5 minutes away. People can think me cruel but I had a crap childhood, I’ve spent years raising my own children. It’s my time now.

You definitely need to work on saying no, and to not allow yourself to be “guilted” into things. if you carry on being at your mothers beck and call, you will grow to hate her. I’ve seen it happen. You need to put firm boundaries in place of what you are and are not willing/able to do.

YANBU. You have your life to live too.

Agree with PP re toughening up and asserting your boundaries.

If it's too much and you need outside help it's unlikely to come without you actually backing off, as underfunded adult care services generally won't touch someone when their family are keeping the show on the road.

You have some difficult years ahead but you absolutely have to prioritise yourself. Your sanity and mental health are important and you matter! And deserve to be able to live your life too.

It also never ends - you will put in place sensible boundaries, but (if she is anything like my mum) she will continually push back.
I had to shut the door in my mum's face once because she insists on bring visitors round to my house during the working day. It's not even like I say she can't do that - I've just asked her to arrange a time that is convenient. But she won't phone - I have to be available on demand when it suits her.
So last time she turned up with her sister I told her it wasn't convenient and shut the door in her face. I also told her later that if she did it again, I wouldn't even answer the door.
That's how shit it gets.
I have a brother locally but he is the golden child. So all this crap is saved up specially for me.

if you carry on being at your mothers beck and call, you will grow to hate her.
That is so true.

God I going to have go on a complete rant now.
I'm going to say it out loud for the first time - I fucking hate my mum.
I have tried for years to look after her, include her in our lives, do the right thing.
But it's never right or enough. I cannot possibly win with her.
She will always be unhappy with me, whatever I do.
So I have gone LC; if she is always going to be unhappy, I might as well do as I like, because nothing I do will ever make any difference to her.

AGGGGGHHHHHHHH

One of the best pieces of advice I got when I was caring for my mil was not to build a routine or always do the same tasks, because then it becomes a dependency. So vary what you do and don't do and vary the times that you do it.

Also doing things for them that they are able to do themselves makes them older, quicker.

Despite living next door to mil, from when she was 89 until she died at 96, I only took over tasks that she was physically unable to do herself, even if it took her ages. As a result she didn't become totally dependant and I didn't feel run ragged.

You need to sit her down and go through everything with her. Decide what she really needs your help with, arrange a care assessment for them, and be assertive about your time.

I think the key here is how you were treated as a child. It must be so galling to know they farmed you out to all and sundry and then now they need help, you’re expected to drop everything. Caring for elderly parents is hard if you have a good relationship. When it’s rocky, it must be incredibly difficult.

Ultimately, you need your energy for your young children and to work to provide for those children. Can you think of it in terms like that in order to make it easier to say no? As in, I can spend quality time with my DC or be knackered after looking after DP. My DC deserve the best, hence I’ll prioritize them?

So sorry op I could have written your post. I can remember my mum saying when I was about 10 she would always prorotise her mum over me as she was old, my troubles were “just part of growing up” she left me on my own in hdu when my baby was in scubu as I asked her not to eat my DH sandwich. She’s never been there for me but now piles on the guilt I’m not there 24/7 for her. You need to set boundaries. Times she can contact you. It’s so awful isn’t it- the constant guilt trips. You can’t do it all. Your health and you children are your priorities. I have the advantage of living away thank god. Tell her she’s putting too much pressure on you. Speak to a councillor to help you understand that looking after yourself is your priority

You have my sympathy, it is very very difficult. The only thing we found that helped was pushing them to get a paid carer in. But it sounds like you are at that in between stage where they don't actually need a paid carer, but do need some help. You do need to put boundaries in place though.

It can't be easy for you with her turning up randomly. I know my friend gets annoyed with her parent contacting her repeatedly and randomly when she is supposed to be working.

Could you put aside a set time for her every week to help her with things? On a daily level, do they need carers to go in morning and night or lunchtime? There are also voluntary groups in some areas that will visit people and help them.

You don't have to be their carer and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Not everyone is in a position to do that. I can't, not with a young child and my own business to run.

One of the best pieces of advice I got when I was caring for my mil was not to build a routine or always do the same tasks, because then it becomes a dependency.
So true!
But with my mum doing anything even once made that a commitment. I could not invite her to anything that might repeat (even the cinema) because if I went next time without her, I would get a load of earache.

if you carry on being at your mothers beck and call, you will grow to hate her.

Yep.

Implementing boundaries now will benefit both of you in the long run, as your relationship will fall into such a state of disrepair if this carries on.

You Moher is well enough to go to your home or place of work, have been in this situation myself, no siblings, (also was nursing) so expected to do a very long car journey to look after (late) parent, who was ill, whilst having young children myself, and no,the said parent wasnt there for me, when I needed them,. I did it, and think I can be proud of myself, dont let them make you ill with the stress of it all.

We also found we had to just say no to tasks they could either do themselves, or that they could get a paid carer in for but refused to.

So much wisdom here already that I can't add much except my sympathy. And just to say that while a carer's assessment is your statutory right it won't get you anywhere much as most local authorities are too strapped for cash and resources to offer more than one-off small payment towards something needed to enable the care you provide (e.g. a washing machine or car repairs) - no actual support or advice and nothing ongoing ime. You will get lots of good advice and support in the elderly parents forum here though.

Assuming you want to help them, think what things only you can do, and what things could be outsourced. Depends how much money they have to fund alternatives. If they can afford it, help them sort out cleaners, taxis etc, and reserve your energy for things that really need your input.

Talk to other friends about their elderly parents. I was feeling really guilty for not doing enough - there's so many people talking about "popping in a couple of times a day, doing their shopping, etc etc" and it helped me no end to talk to friends. It helped me understand how much I was doing in terms of "headspace" - being there to talk (interminably) about decisions, managing money under a PoA, etc.

I learnt that the two big things my DP misses are 1) someone to talk day to day decisions with 2) someone to talk to (as opposed to listen to - Radio 4 fills that gap). Your DM may be feeling the same depending on how advanced DFs Alzheimers is.

And have a read of the elderly care and dementia topics on MN - there's a lot of useful stuff on there.