When the tables turn and you need to look after your parents...

[mrsflems1]

Hi all

I feel as though I have hit complete burn out this week with my mental health and I really don't know what to do to get myself out of this rut. I just feel completely overwhelmed and I think the root of my problems is my parents dependence on me.

I really feel terrible for posting this as I know both of my parents are ill, my dad has early onset Alzheimers and my mum suffered a brain aneurysm and stroke 2 years ago but I just feel as though my mum wants the earth from me.

I work and also run my own business and I'm a mum to young children as well. There aren't enough hours in the day, if I don't answer my mums calls or texts immediately she appears at my work or my house. She demands I do things for her, I was off ill all week last week and my mum arrived at my house with bills that I had to sort for her, there and then!

I feel guilty because all I keep thinking to myself is "you weren't there for me when I needed you" When I was younger my parents priority was their social life and circle of friends and we would be often sent away to babysitters or families for days at a time, then when I was old enough I was left to my own devices a lot of the time. But now with their illnesses they need me and I really struggle to say no to them.

AIBU??

I sympathise.

I am a carer for my mother and have two older teens.
I also run a business from home.

I try to find as much time for myself at the expense of other things- so I never dust, I never iron. It's more important for me to walk in the woods or go to the gym than it is to hoover.

My mother has joined a local very active church, so that takes the pressure off a little, she has made a lot of new friends and there are lots of social activities.

Also try to distinguish between jobs she asks you to do because she really needs help, and jobs she's asking you to do as a pretext to see you.

I know exactly how you feel. I got my parents so many different cleaners. They moaned about every single one of them. My mum will call a hundred times a day and pop over nearly every other day and expect me to spend time with her. When she clearly knows I’m swamped. I tell her I’m busy and can’t deal with all their things at that moment . But I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. Guilt is what makes me stop myself from having a real go at her (I lost my brother a few years ago and I’m the only child left ). It’s very tough op.

don't feel alone here.your not.there are many who have been and have gone through similar so will no all the ups and downs.
its really tough.and not fair.
it sounds to me one thing though that's stopping you from even beginning to cope with being a carer of sorts is the pain from your past.of resenting that they left you when you were younger but expect youto step up now.i think you need help with letting that side of things go.and when that weight lift youll be so much better equipt emotionaly to rational how to look after them now and to how much you do do for them.becuase right now everything you do to help seems to be weighted with the hurt of "why should I" which will be making it ten times harder to do.
have you looked into what aid you can get.
have you ever been honest with them and had an emotional talk with them.
the elderly are so blaaaaah abot feeling sometimes they really do need it laying out in front of them.whether they listen and take it in or not.ive noticed most of the time they simply don't know.

It does appear that that the people who most resent caring for demanding elderly DPs are the ones who go no or little support when they were growing up. So they being asked to provide love and support when they never received it themselves.

Thank you for all the replies... I should have perhaps said in my first post that my parents are not exactly what I would class as "old" my mum is 56 and my dad is 60 in a few weeks.

I remember when I was younger and I used to say to my mum about how much she went out and her reply was "we have our own life" now she expects me not to have my own life.

The thing that sticks with me most of all is when I was pregnant with my eldest I started bleeding heavily at 30 weeks, the hospital sent an ambulance for me and I phoned my mum as I was home alone, her answer to me "and what do you want me to do, Im at the pub"

That's awful.

Maybe one factor is that when DPs start asking for help, we feel like they have finally noticed us and are starting to move towards a real relationship. Takes a while to work out that is not what is really happening, all they really want is a taxi/secretary/carer.

The thing about the pub is horrendous OP. How horrible. To be honest I don’t think anyone would blame you if you said to them “what do you want me to do? I have my own life”.

And yes, they’re not that old. I think you just need to think about what you want to do, what’s best for you and the family you have now, children/partner. Then just stand your ground.

56! Incredible!

OP, I think actually their ages are irrelevant here, because one had a stroke and one has Alzeimers, so even though they are young, they still need help. But it doesn't have to be you that gives that help if you are unable to.

But with my mum doing anything even once made that a commitment. I could not invite her to anything that might repeat (even the cinema) because if I went next time without her, I would get a load of earache.

The other thing that I found very useful was to perfect the art of not listening whilst looking like I was. Changing the subject while she is mid rant works well to.

You need to learn to switch off from it. Nod and smile and say "that's nice Mum, now shall we...."

She says "You went to the cinema without me"
You say (brightly & smiling) I know, what a terrible daughter I am, now did you want a cup of tea...etc"

It's really more about how you react rather than what she is saying, a bit like dealing with a toddler. Practise it frequently and it will soon become easier

Ah, good point @sprinklesandsauce.

I think you need to learn to say now. Although their health isn't good they are relatively young. I would tell them that you will visit when you can but the kind of help they need isn't what you can give without compromising your own family life and you're not willing to do that. Tell them help is available via social services and if they want it they should ask.

Keep saying no.

Except help probably is not available via Social Services being realistic.

I don't mean to be unkind but by going along with this you have developed if not created the situation. You need to try to encourage independence. you could explain that you can only assist with this sort of thing on one occasion each week, and use that to try to re-able your mother in dealing with her own affairs. Perhaps a lunch or coffee out if all goes well but simply go home if it doesn't once you have spent sufficient time with her? My mother puts on my brother dreadfully, insisting he rings her when he gets home from various places because she is worried about him. She knows I won't put up with that sort of thing. She once called DH to see if I was home after going to see her - when I hadn't had time to actually get there. I told her when I did ring her that if she did that again I wouldn't ring at all, and she hasn't. If your mother is caring for your father a carers assessment might give her some help, if they both get attendance allowance this would go some way to getting some paid help.

It's really more about how you react rather than what she is saying, a bit like dealing with a toddler.
That made me laugh because that is how I think of my mum. And I have a clear strategy that bad behaviour will not be rewarded.
For example, I have spent every Christmas day of my 50-odd years on this planet with her. Every single one, wherever I have been living, whoever I have been with. Does she appreciate that? Noooo. But she has accused me of cutting her out of my life because there are a couple of hours on Christmas morning when we are not with her.
So guess where she will NEVER be again on Xmas morning?
I am hoping the penny will drop sooner rather than later.

I have also found myself to be in a similar position but manage things a bit better now. You can have a longer term plan for a care assessment and try to get other assistance, however the short term you can change how you do things.

For example, if she comes to see you and wants things now you can do them - but in your own time,don't put everything on hold as soon as she turns up. If she asks you to do a job you can agree but do it in your own way. My parents expected me to do a 3 hour round trip to do their shopping. I do their shopping but online and it's delivered to them. Obviously not what they wanted but nevertheless it's done. She wants you to pay bills do them online. They also wanted me to mow their (huge) lawn and it was never to their high standard - I found them a gardner. If she doesn't like the way you want to do them then back to doing them herself.

Gosh OP just read 56 and 60, mine are 85 and 87!!

56? That’s not old. She’s got to be able to do things herself. How is she after her brain aneurysm, has she recovered?

My DH is your Mums age and quite capable of looking after himself!
Seriously though, I've come out of the other side of this a couple of years ago having juggled caring for my (not very elderly but terminally ill) Mum after several years of dementia, plus working and having a young family.
Be careful, or it will run you ragged and ruin the relationship you have with your parents.
I would be concerned about your Dad, as he is going to need care - do you have power of attorney?
Blue Java s advice is spot on. Find easier ways to deal with their needs, I had most of the bills at Mums house jointly in my name so I could contact them for her, she signed a permission to allow Drs to speak with me about her ( I had PoA) too.
It won't get easier, but you can make it more manageable.

Oh dear Christ, 56??!! I was going to post that we have the same with my 90 year old FIL. There are three siblings plus spouses living nearby and still it’s not enough...there is no enough. It sucks the life out of us. And although he has a small amount of paid care he refuses any more.

Boundaries however, can and should be applied whatever age a person is. Simply tell her you are busy and unable to help until x time and day. Stick to that. Ensure they are getting all the allowances and support they are entitled to from the state.

You cannot be there 24/7 and frankly you have a point about reaping what you sow as a parent. Putting new boundaries into practice won’t be easy but ultimately it’s essential as they may be around for a long time to come.

More sympathy from me. Lots of wisdom on the elderly parent board and echo what everyone says- bouundaries and get care in. Does your df get attendance allowance. Worth looking at. Age uk or carers association can help complete forms to get it approved.

I am getting quite irritated at those posting 56 - of course she can do things for herself.
It depends totally on their health, not their age. She may be perfectly capable, but some 56 year olds are not. And OPs DF at 60 has dementia. Some people do get very ill at a younger age.