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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder how I am going to cope?

29 replies

Twinkletwinkleonrepeat · 17/05/2018 10:36

Long story short - I think DH is on the verge of leaving me and the children. i have been a SAHM for 7 years and don't know how I am going to cope. Not only emotionally, but mainly financially. I have no skills, virtually no qualifications or experience with anything so I can get a job. Previous to being a SAHM i had my own small business and worked as a freelancer but after all this time I have no contacts in the field anymore.

I feel absolutely STUCK and don't know which way to turn. I am terrified...

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/05/2018 10:42

You are married so he will legally be obliged to pay maintenance . Time to read some
Books (try Stowe family law book) and read some online resources

That’s the immediate priority to educate yourself in the law and how it all works

Secondly write down every single asset , accounts and get clarity on what money they is , where and who holds its

I think knowledge is power and the more you Know the calmer you will feel

Lastly you will benefit from working again but I think getting the home and assets clarity is priority then onto re entering the world of work

It could be you need to retrain and get some entry level
Work . What did you free lance in before ?

Legally he cannot fuck off and leave you all high and dry x

Twinkletwinkleonrepeat · 17/05/2018 10:52

SFSAM I was a freelance copywriter before having the children. I feel so stupid for letting myself get into this situation, but at the time we agreed that me staying at home with the children and him working was how we wanted it to be. However, now he wants to leave, I am going to be left with no prospects and my life will be considerably worse than his.

I understand that he will have to pay maintenance but that is only for the children, he doesn't owe me anything personally. I'm terrified that on top of the emotional stress of him leaving us, we won't have any money.

OP posts:
Twinkletwinkleonrepeat · 17/05/2018 10:54

We also moved here to be close to his work. I don't know anybody here and my family is four hours away so I have no support.

OP posts:
TheFatkinsDiet · 17/05/2018 10:57

Sorry to hear this @op.

I would also try and read up on the law and speak to a solicitor.

Do you have a joint bank account which your dh’s salary goes into? If so, then it might be worth getting some proof of his earnings.

You sound concerned that he won’t support you all financially. Has he indicated that he won’t?

Twinkletwinkleonrepeat · 17/05/2018 11:00

Fatkins He will support the DC but he wont support me. I have known him for a very long time and I know that once he's out, he's out, it's not his problem anymore.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 17/05/2018 11:02

How old are the children?

Of course it is all hugely daunting. It's stepping into the unknown. You need to speak to a lawyer and start thinking practically about accounts, housing and so forth if there is a mortgage.

How far along are you both, is it something that has been coming for a long time?

TheFatkinsDiet · 17/05/2018 11:02

Well, I would speak to a solicitor, but I think it is his problem. You moved to be near his work and stopped working so you could look after his children. That’s saved him a lot of money and badly effected your prospects. You do have some protection as you are married. Please speak to a solicitor as I don’t think it’s as simple as your husband thinks Flowers.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 17/05/2018 11:05

Make sure you get copies of all bank account and investments, all the house documents birth certificates and passports and keep with friends or family.

Get applying for any job - supermarkets offer flexible working.

See a solicitor. Don't agree to anything with him.

If he wants out he has to do it legally, he can't just walk out the door and that's it.

Don't be a wimpering doormat.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 17/05/2018 11:08

As a freelance writer you're in a great position to work with the kids. I should know, that's what I do! 😃

Call the Tax Credits Office too.

You'll get maintenance from your exDH, tax credits, Child Benefit, and you might be entitled to a huge share of the marital home; get a good lawyer.

Move home, restart your career. You'll be fine.

Twinkletwinkleonrepeat · 17/05/2018 11:09

All I really want is my fair share, the DC to be taken care of, and tp stay living in our house for the children's stability.

I am not adverse to finding a job but two out of three of our children have SN and can't access childcare for them, making life extremely difficult in that respect, and hence why I haven't worked in the past.

My main worry is the house. It is a mortgage in his name only and he has said that he will want half of the equity so he can buy somewhere else. Ok...but I will never be able to get a mortgage on my own...so even though I can afford to takeover the mortgage payments from him, if he pulls out then we can't stay here.

OP posts:
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 17/05/2018 11:10

I have known him for a very long time and I know that once he's out, he's out, it's not his problem anymore.

And that would be fine, had he chosen not to marry and have children with you. Legally once you make those commitments you can't skip away gleefully and absolve yourself of all responsibility to them.

OP it's awful and you must be hurting terribly. But don't allow this situation to be controlled and dictated by him. You can get some legal advice (and you'll get great advice on here), you can find out everything possible about finances/salaries/savings etc and you can prepare yourself for a little war, if that's what it takes. Remove anything you believe pertinent to your joint finances, ring fence some monies if you think he'll leave you high and dry and take hard copies of everything.

Grieve, but do it smartly and protect yourself and your DC. Flowers

Juells · 17/05/2018 11:14

@Twinkletwinkleonrepeat

Fatkins He will support the DC but he wont support me. I have known him for a very long time and I know that once he's out, he's out, it's not his problem anymore.

Over the years so many women I've known, who were in (what I would consider) controlling relationships have told me that, in all seriousness. It's bullshit. Is he going to pay £20 a week per child and have you all living in a tent at the side of the road? Consult a divorce lawyer. Move back closer to your family - but don't mention that until divorce is agreed, or he'll try to trap you where you are now.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 17/05/2018 11:15

You need legal advice as a priority. Most solicitors offer a free half and hour. Recommendations are good, otherwise meet a few and find one you feel safe with.

entitledto.com is a very useful website which will give you an estimate of what benefits you could get.

Get the claim forms for Child Tax Credits now.

Claim Child Benefit if you don’t already receive it.

If you are a homeowner, You will most likely have the right to stay in the home until your youngest is 18/21. You will agree an equity split (often something like 70/30 to the resident parent) for when the property is sold.

Pension: really important you think about your retirement. You may be entitled to some of his pension. Likewise, if you have a decent pension, he may also have a share.

Obviously I’ve made a lot of assumptions here, but it might not be as awful as you think. The children will be at the centre of your separation, and their needs must come first.

If not immediately, soon you will need to go back to work and re-train or update your skills. This might be a great opportunity for you. You’ll be working towards independence. Yes there will be some upheaval, but long term, this might be great for you.

Genuinely Centre your children. Put their needs first. If you both agree to do this things will be easier.

Racecardriver · 17/05/2018 11:15

You need to turn to a good solicitor. It doesn't matter what he wants to do. He does power you maintenence. He cost to marry you and asked you to sacrifice your earning potential to take care of this children in return for his fiancial support. That still stands.

TheFaerieQueene · 17/05/2018 11:16

Just because he says something doesn’t mean it is true.

Go and see a solicitor. Online advice though in the main well meaning, won’t give you the answers to your questions about your financial position on divorce.

Good luck.

Juells · 17/05/2018 11:17

@idontbelieveinthemoon touches on a very important point - doing something positive to protect yourself and your children helps the dreadful feelings of helplessness that descend when you know your whole life is about to change. Put your energies into that, it distracts from being gutted.

Racecardriver · 17/05/2018 11:18

Don't get a job for the sake of it. He will owe you maintenence and it is only fair that he should pay it. Maybe take the opportunity to retain or stay a new business instead.

Juells · 17/05/2018 11:21

Sorry, just saw that you have two SN DC, which changes things. Also the house, as you'll want to stay in it. He doesn't know what he's talking about, and hasn't done any research if he thinks he can just throw you out and sell the house and leave you homeless. It's the family home, doesn't matter whose name is on the mortgage. Make sure he continues to be responsible for the mortgage, in any divorce settlement.

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 17/05/2018 11:21

I agree with PP about doing something positive. It will give you a sense of control.

First thing I did was go through 6 months of banks statements logging every expenditure and used that for my budget which formed the basis of my maintenance. Every little thing, and projections for larger things the future (such as high school uniform and school trips).

PoxiePoe · 17/05/2018 11:31

See a good solicitor before you do anything.

Get the facts.

There is no point in worrying about things that won't or can't happen, because your DH has legal commitments to the housing and welfare of his children (and by proxy the mother of his children if she is doing the childcare).

This will help you.

The emotional stress will be hard enough. So at least please get the legal side clarified, it will be one less thing to worry about.

LoveInTokyo · 17/05/2018 11:34

“He will support the DC but he wont support me.”

Tough shit. The court will decide that, not him.

Listen very carefully. You are married, which means that what’s yours is his and what’s his is yours. If you divorce you are entitled to a fair share of everything. Not just for the kids. For you.

You have given up your career for seven years to look after his children. If you hadn’t done that, he would have either had to give up his job and look after them himself, or spend a significant amount of his earnings paying for childcare. He has more money in his pocket because you didn’t work. Everything he earned during those seven years was partly earned by you and you are entitled to a share of it.

My advice to you now would be to find every document and every piece of paper, every insurance policy or pension statement or bank account you can and take copies of everything. Take hard copies and store them at the house of someone you trust, and take electronic copies and store them somewhere safe, such as on a USB stick or in an encrypted online account. If you do end up getting divorced, you send every last document to your solicitor. That way, if he tries to hide his assets, you will have proof that he hasn’t disclosed everything.

If things start getting nasty between you and he says anything he shouldn’t, about the house or the kids or the money, write it all down in a diary or maybe in your emails. If you send yourself an email with the details any time something happens, you’ll have an online record of it all with dates and times.

Don’t say anything to him. Don’t tell him what you’re doing and put the wind up him, otherwise he’ll start hiding stuff before you know it. Just get your ducks in a row.

And don’t worry too much about jobs at this stage. It would be great for you to be able to support yourself and have a bit more money coming in later, but for now, focus on making sure you get your fair share of your shared marital assets.

Lovemusic33 · 17/05/2018 11:35

You can turn things around. My dh left 3 years ago, I hadn’t worked for 8 years (was a SAHM) and had no expereance or references. I am now working and earning a good wage, I’m doing a few courses to better myself whilst working part time, I am managing to keep our heads above water (I have 2 dd’s). I never thought in a million years I would be working in the line of work I am in, was worried that I would not find work due to not working for so long but it’s all worked out ok. Anything is possible.

ARoomSomewhere · 17/05/2018 11:58

Lovemusic33
do you mind me asking what sort of area you went back into? only i am in a not dissimilar position and like the OP have 2 kids with SEN.
(sorry to hijack OP)

Lovemusic33 · 17/05/2018 12:06

Aroom both my dc’s have sn’s, I’m working in mental health, totally different than anything I have done before. I think having expereance with sn’s (autism) helped. At the moment I am working part time, I’m hoping to gain more expereance and hopefully gain a few qualifications to secure a full time job when my dc’s are a bit older.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 17/05/2018 12:13

You need a shit hot lawyer. Many divorces award more than half the equity to the resident parent in similar situations and sometimes house sales are deferred until the children are out of education IIRC. 70% equity split in your favour would not be unusual. The fact that it is in his name will not necessarily give him more equity as you are married. Please get advice, and a solicitor you feel is really on your side.