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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what future we have together?

30 replies

creepymumweirdo · 17/05/2018 07:14

I married my husband nearly two years ago when our son was eight months old. We've been together six years. We got engaged while I was pregnant.

We've had so much to contend with in the last 3 years. The birth of our son came with lots of life changing, life long physiological and psychological changes (hysterectomy, PTSD). We've done well at dealing with the "crisis" but now we're in the aftermath.

We've dealt with the difficulties of the last two years by being stoic and matter of fact. I don't naturally operate this way but DH does so i have to communicate in his language.

I don't feel he has any understanding or respect for what Ive been through. He doesn't celebrate my successes (that i faught for my nown mental health help, got and held down work, made friends in a new part of the country despite poor mental health) but criticises me for my failings (not having enough hobbies, getting drunk too quickly when we share a bottle of wine, putting on weight, being too emotional and needy).

I've been in some really great therapy over the last few months and realised that I'm not doing a terrible job of being a mother after all. I'm actually pretty awesome! Except my husband doesn't seem to notice.

I find myself feeling underappreciated quite often. E.g i got a new job recently - a killler career move with great prospects and a much better salary than I'm on now. DH suggested we go out for lunch to celebrate, then said he couldn't afford to pay the bill and said he assumed I would pay. Two days later he bought a new pushbike for £120. He already has 4 bikes.

I've reached a point where I've been so disappointed about how little he seems to care about me that I just don't care about him any more. I spent so long trying to please him. I can't be arsed with what he thinks of me any more.

My question is, how do I live my life like this? Our son adores his Dad. I don't want to break up our family unit. But I can't help bit feel, unless DH makes some demonstrative changes, that we've come to the end of our romantic relationship.

Is this just a phase that's common when you have a young child? Should I stick it out? Should i be making contigency plans? What should those contigency plans be?

Sorry for the long post and thanks for your thoughts. Xxx

OP posts:

icklekid · 17/05/2018 07:18

Are his selfish actions normal? No

Have you had a conversation about the bike after he said he couldn't afford the meal? You need to talk to him about how hurt it made you feel and see what he says.

It sounds like he is generally very unsympathetic and I'm pleased you've found some friends. You have so much to be proud of. Your dh should be your biggest cheerleader not the one getting your down... only you can know if you think he is ever likely to change? If not you might find yourself much happier without him?

Furano · 17/05/2018 07:22

It doesn’t sound like you have a life together, and you don’t deserve to be continually ground down by someone who hasn’t got your back.

Would he go to couples counceiling?

CaliforniaDream · 17/05/2018 07:27

Talk and talk and talk and talk some more. You learned to be stoic and matter of fact for your husband - now he has to learn to articulate his feelings for you.

Talk to him about how it hurt you when he didn't pay for the meal but then bought the bike. Tell him that you feel underappreciated. Tell him that you find him too critical. Ask him if he would consider counselling.

His reaction to this will help you decide what to do next. If he is willing to try and makes changes, that's great. If he refuses and is defensive, you'll know what you're dealing with and can make a decision about the future.

You've done so well,OP, and you should be proud. See if he's willing to do the work as well.

Original poster

creepymumweirdo · 17/05/2018 08:24

Thanks guys. It's nice to hear I'm not being crazy. Whenever I get annoyed or upset by him he looks at me like I'm a total idiot. I started to think I was.

OP posts:

Whatshallidonowpeople · 17/05/2018 08:34

£120 is a really cheap bike. I can undwrstand someone wanting nice bikes but if you have 4 why buy a really cheap one?

Original poster

creepymumweirdo · 17/05/2018 08:38

whatshalli because thats he pressig issue here, right?

Are you my DH? If not you should meet. You'd get on like a house on fire.

OP posts:

Melliegrantfirstlady · 17/05/2018 08:46

He seems very critical of you.

I’m so pleased that with therapy you have been able to see how amazing you actually are.

Unfortunately it sounds like he is treating you with contempt. How dare he? Stand up to this stupid bully. Tell him you are great and you know it. Tell him you won’t be treat like a fool and that he better buck his ideas up. Demand half of your lunch bill for a start!

His response will tell you all you need to know.

Stay strong but be careful if you stay and he doesn’t change I’d be worried that he is going to trample all over your self esteem

Melliegrantfirstlady · 17/05/2018 08:47

What shall I is totally missing the point

However is he a hoarder?

ferntwist · 17/05/2018 08:50

It’s definitely not normal to feel like this. He sounds like he doesn’t care about making you happy anymore.

redastherose · 17/05/2018 08:55

Like pp said you need to sit down and talk. You've said here how you feel, if you haven't already done so you need to tell him and also just how bad this is for you (ie contemplating the ending of your relationship). If you've already tried this an he's ignored you then you have to say you are arranging couples counselling and if he won't go with you then that tells you everything you need to know about how much he values it and you.

You have been through some extremely distressing and traumatic things. Your body has changed and so (no doubt) has your outlook on life. Whilst he's had to deal with these things as a partner the effect on you is much more obviously and if he can't see that there is something fundamentally wrong in not being your biggest supporter rather than your chief critic then you really probably are better off splitting up now and co-parenting.

Your son may love his Dad but that doesn't have to stop . If you go for 50/50 care then he will be able to continue to be a good Dad and you will continue to be a good Mum you just won't be doing it together.

Original poster

creepymumweirdo · 18/05/2018 07:20

When we all woke up this morning DH was chatting away to DS but ignored every single thing I said. He didn't respond once exvept when I told him about a great dream Id had he said "soumds alright".

Is this just what marriage turns into? I don't know if i want to feel this disregarded my whole life.

I think he stopped loving me a while ago, if he ever did at all, and after 2 years of wondering why he's upset with me/what Im doing wrong Ive got tired and stopped feeling the way I used to about him.

It's so sad. I've been sad for a while and worked hard to sort it out. I don't want to be sad any more.

OP posts:

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 18/05/2018 07:23

I'm so sorry he's treating you like this.
He sounds very cruel.

maymai · 18/05/2018 07:29

I think unless he is prepared to do marriage counselling and regain what you've lost there is no future together. Sometimes the evens you've been through are too much to come back from. Could he have ptsd, could the birth have affected him too and he struggles to see you romantically any more?

Try talking to him or write him a letter and ask him to be honest about his feelings without being critical towards you. Good luck x

Original poster

creepymumweirdo · 18/05/2018 07:35

Yes, these things have occurred to me. He's so incapable of talking about his feelings I feel like he's not honest with himself let alone with me.

It feels cruel sometimes. Whenever I try to explain how his actions (or lack of them) leave me feeling he thinks I'm being dramatic or self indulgent.

OP posts:

MissStegosaurus · 18/05/2018 07:36

I took whatshall to mean he said he'd take you out then pleaded poverty when it came to the bill yet wasted £120 on something he absolutely didn't need. He doesnt love you or he would not treat you with such disdain. I can't really see any future in this if he's not willing to go for counselling but to be honest he sounds like a bit of a twat anyway so I'm not sure why you would want to. Surely it can't be better for your child to grow up in this environment?

ferrier · 18/05/2018 07:43

Although whatshalli's point is poorly made it's an astute observation that he had the gall to prioritise a cheap bike over paying for the meal. It's not even like it was something special that he'd been saving up for.
Agree with others - counselling to force him to talk in a constructive way and then go from there.

Original poster

creepymumweirdo · 18/05/2018 07:44

I suppose i've seen me leaving as a selfish thing. DS so loves us being all together. He doesn't pick up on anything now but I don't him growing up thinking how his dad treats mebis how you should treat people. I've never seen it that way before.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/05/2018 07:50

He will still love his Dad and spend time with him if you split...

Original poster

creepymumweirdo · 18/05/2018 07:53

Yes but it's not the same as us all being together is it?

On the other hand his dad might treat me with less distain if were just co parenting. No telling though.

OP posts:

MissStegosaurus · 18/05/2018 10:31

He loves you all being together because that's all he knows. Children are adaptable.

Badbadtromance · 18/05/2018 11:08

Honestly op you sound miserable. You can't go on like this. Your son will adapt if you split. Life's too short to be so unhappy

Melliegrantfirstlady · 18/05/2018 11:37

This guy is never going to make you happy or treat you with the respect you deserve.

I think you are just realising this stuff now.

Don’t stay and waste your life for the next few years because honestly this looks doomed - unless you want to accept being miserable

You talk a lot of your son however do you want this relationship to be modelled to him? I’d guess not.

Categoric · 18/05/2018 11:51

It is important that your son grows up in a family where he learns what a loving and respectful relationship is. How is he going to have a good relationship himself if he never sees one?

Talk to your partner, explain that you think you need some counselling to communicate with each other and see where that takes you. If you find a good counsellor, then even if you still can’t be a good couple together then you could co parent well.

And please don’t let him grind you down into thinking this is the way to live. You know better.

ems137 · 18/05/2018 13:39

I'm not one for jumping in with "leave him" but the younger children are, the easier they usually find a split. Don't you think your child would rather see his mum and dad happy but separated rather than miserable but together?

I don't think you DH sounds very nice. All you can do is talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. Only he can make the changes.

Buggered · 18/05/2018 14:04

I think you've missed whatshallis point. I think she was trying to work out what his thought process was. If he has four there is no need for another cheap one.

However, thats beside the point, but possibly an indication that you're feeling let down and jumping on things which you feel are a slight.

I wonder if your husband has also been affected by the crises as well. Learning to be married is one whole thing. Life changes and it takes sometime to adjust. On top of that he's been with you through a traumatic birth and is himself possibly shell shocked. Going through that after being married many years would be a strain on any relationship.

Resentment between you two has built up and is tainting how you see each other. Somehow, between yourselves or with outside help, you have to get through that.

The people saying talk, talk, talk are absolutely right. Splitting up without trying serves no one well. You might find that its you doing the talking and not him. It might be bloody hard work on your part, but if the marriage is worth trying to save than it has to be worth it.

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