To wonder what future we have together?

[creepymumweirdo]

I married my husband nearly two years ago when our son was eight months old. We've been together six years. We got engaged while I was pregnant.

We've had so much to contend with in the last 3 years. The birth of our son came with lots of life changing, life long physiological and psychological changes (hysterectomy, PTSD). We've done well at dealing with the "crisis" but now we're in the aftermath.

We've dealt with the difficulties of the last two years by being stoic and matter of fact. I don't naturally operate this way but DH does so i have to communicate in his language.

I don't feel he has any understanding or respect for what Ive been through. He doesn't celebrate my successes (that i faught for my nown mental health help, got and held down work, made friends in a new part of the country despite poor mental health) but criticises me for my failings (not having enough hobbies, getting drunk too quickly when we share a bottle of wine, putting on weight, being too emotional and needy).

I've been in some really great therapy over the last few months and realised that I'm not doing a terrible job of being a mother after all. I'm actually pretty awesome! Except my husband doesn't seem to notice.

I find myself feeling underappreciated quite often. E.g i got a new job recently - a killler career move with great prospects and a much better salary than I'm on now. DH suggested we go out for lunch to celebrate, then said he couldn't afford to pay the bill and said he assumed I would pay. Two days later he bought a new pushbike for £120. He already has 4 bikes.

I've reached a point where I've been so disappointed about how little he seems to care about me that I just don't care about him any more. I spent so long trying to please him. I can't be arsed with what he thinks of me any more.

My question is, how do I live my life like this? Our son adores his Dad. I don't want to break up our family unit. But I can't help bit feel, unless DH makes some demonstrative changes, that we've come to the end of our romantic relationship.

Is this just a phase that's common when you have a young child? Should I stick it out? Should i be making contigency plans? What should those contigency plans be?

Sorry for the long post and thanks for your thoughts. Xxx

What happens when you talk to him about these issues? What does he say?

It sounds like things are far from right, however you need to talk to him properly about all of this.

It sounds like the pair of you have been through a heck of a lot over the past few years and have fallen into a rut of poor communication.

I think it could be salvaged, but only with open and honest communication on both sides.

He needs a chance to be able to put things right. If he can't/won't, then you can leave knowing you tried.

Do it sooner rather than later though, the longer this continues the harder it will be to come back from.

He's come home early this evening. Trimmed the hedge, sat in the garden on his own playing music for half an hour qhile i entertained DS and the puppy and made dinner. Now having a beer and reading the paper. Hes been polite and cheery but barely said a word to me. Not asked how my day was or anything.

Maybe I'm being precious or too demanding. Is his what most dads do?

He's not just a dad he's your life partner. He should want to know you are ok and show he cares and loves you. This is separate to being a dad. Seems he's not interested in you but wants to be a dad. Time to leave and find somebody who appreciates you and loves you as much as YOU love them. You can co-parent so son still sees his dad, just not together.

No, it isn't what most dads do.

Our son adores his Dad. I don't want to break up our family unit.

Don't think like this. That's the way you not only sentence yourself to a miserable life, but your son to a miserable childhood. It's the default thing to think, and it's wrong wrong wrong.

Your son is so little that if you split now - or even in a year- he won't remember anything else.

If you stay, your horrid husband's treatment of you will start to be noticed by your son. Hell, not even noticed - absorbed, at every level. He will learn that home is a rather grim place with no laughter or love between his parents. He'll absorb that treatment of you as normal - maybe take it into his own relationships. He'll quite possibly grow up dislking his father extremely. His father may well eventually treat him exactly the same way.

You've been through so much, you seem such a fighter. Don't stay. You can do much better for you and your son.