Why does football seem to bring the worst out in parents?

[bbc3ismyworld]

I've got two older DD's, who play hockey at a fairly high level. There's rivalry between teams, and high feelings when teams are being chosen, but it's all very pleasant and sports-woman like.

My 6yo DS plays football, and is pretty good. He plays for a local team, and trains with a professional club. So far his matches with his teams have been "friendlies", they officially join the league next year when they players go into year 2. But at the matches they do play, DS is the top scorer.

At training sessions, and matches, I've had barbed and PA comments about kids that have skills at this age start to fade as others develop, how my DS scores a lot because of xyz, but that will change for insert a reason. Not once have I preened and bragged about his performances. I know nothing about the bloody game, and although I can see he's good, I'm really not that interested as long as he is having fun.

The other issue is the shouty parents, who take the games and training sessions really seriously. Shouting encouragement is one thing, and telling your child off for standing still picking his nose instead of trying to get the ball. But this is really forceful and aggressive.

It's such a contrast to how things are in my DD's sports. It's mainly dads involved, too, so maybe it's just to much testosterone and harking back to the days when they thought they were going to become the next Gary Lineker.

I know from talking to parents of older kids, it's only going to get worse, too. I'm dreading it!

(So my AIBU is to be pissed of at other parents behaviour and their attitude towards me re my DS playing well?!)

YY Mumtothelittlefella - I don't see much difference between the bad behaviour from the mums and that from the dads (from behind the ludicrously named 'Respect barrier', of course).

My DD has played for a local girls football team for 8 years and we've never experienced this so must be just boys football.

Answer to your question is one word: men.
I am a referee and the women are often much worse than the men...

Find a club where it doesn't happen. [...] It doesn't have to be the way you describe, it continues to happen because parents continue to put up with it.

Yes, this. If it's this intense at U6 it isn't going to get better. Leave, and say why.

It doesn't happen at our club, because the coaches and managers work very hard to prevent it. Signed code of conduct for players and parents. Sandwich boards up reminding us of the code of conduct. Suggestions of how to encourage them. Modelling good behaviour e.g. calling out "well held keeper" when your team doesn't score and "good try number ten" when their team misses.

We do still have problems with other teams at matches (some have quite the reputation locally!) but if it gets bad we simply refer them to the local branch of the FA and we know there have been sanctions. The worst offending teams are haemorrhaging players to kinder teams. Who wants to be shouted at for several hours a week? You can see the children bewildered by the onslaught from adults who should know better. When it's the "nice" teams everyone plays better because they can actually get on with it.

Find a club where it doesn't happen

You can't though, can you? There are friendlies, league matches and regular tournaments. It doesn't matter what the rules are or the conduct is in your dc's club, you and they will regularly mix with other clubs over which there is no control.

I also disagree with it being because of men. IME the men tend to group together and bitch and grandstand about the shit referee and how they're going to have a word if Alfie is kept in left wing again as it's not his position.

It's the women that stand on the sidelines and screech like banshees.

Unfortunately, I recognise all of these stories.

DS is with a professional team for next season, but has played grass roots for two years. Despite the 'respect' barrier (designed to keep parents away from the game) there was swearing, shouting, giving kids instructions conflicting with coaches', e.g, child is put in defense but gets screamed at to 'get up front'.

I've even heard coaches instruct kids at half time to 'go for number x, hack him down'. This is Sunday league under 7s&8s.
Appalling behaviour. I oftern wonder WTF is wrong with people. A bit of passion for the game is a good thing, but no idea how it spills so easily into parents foaming at the mouth for every percieved slight against their child/team

One word :

Class.

I have seen signs like this popping up at youth sports clubs

Rugby is a thug's game played by gentlemen and football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.

Because football fans are generally horribly, chavvy thugs. Then you get the drunken, violent ones. Vile sport, I hate everything about it, from the fans to the preposterous wages.

If only football fans were that passionate about things that actually mattered instead of a bunch of man-children kicking a bag of gas around some grass. Pathetic.

The only difference is that rugby has conned everyone into believing it's all polite and gentlemanly. Rugby culture has always been vile and misogynist-just sugarcoated with posh accents and "youthful high spirits"

I'm not sure about that, with the fans at least. I don't like any sport, but have been to matches of both.

There's a marked difference at international rugby games than league football games in Cardiff. For a start, at the rugby all the fans are mixed in together. You'd never find that at the football. Then there's outside after the match - generally all the rugby fans socialise together whereas the football fans are kept separate by police and horses and split completely into local areas.

Agreed Bertrand - but that's self-perpetuating, just as football hooliganism would be.

FWIW I've watched a life-changing injury at a rugby match where one player lost his temper and nearly killed another player (not exaggerating: CPR plus ambulance). Adrenaline paired with testosterone is a dangerous mixture.

Ds has played on two different leagues. I'm be was great - no problems at all. The other was rough and the parents unpleasant. We have dropped him out of the latter now.

The difference was that in the first league the parents didn't seem to think their child was going to be the next premier league star and so the league was as much about fun as victory. The more competitive the league the worse it seems to get.

The difference was that in the first league the parents didn't seem to think their child was going to be the next premier league star and so the league was as much about fun as victory. The more competitive the league the worse it seems to get.

I definitely think there's something in this. Though ironically the higher level coaching we have encountered (DC1 is in a prem dev squad) is always very positive and encouraging and much calmer parents - perhaps they have less to prove?

Lupercalia One word : Class.

I disagree. I'm going back thirty years now, but the "pushy", vile parents were no different then to how they are now.

My DB used to play for a team that was based in a suburb of our town that was basically a big council estate. Of course, the majority of the players came from that estate and, according to the stereotypes, you would expect them and their parents to be "chavvy", foul-mouthed, etc. etc. Absolutely not the case.

By contrast, two teams from the more affluent areas of the town were the worst offenders for nasty behaviour, both on and off the pitch. I personally witnessed a man get right up in his own 10 or 11 year old son's face, his own face contorted with anger, demanding an explanation for his son's "woeful" performance in the match. I remember feeling so sorry for the poor lad.

It’s not just men at all. And it’s not just football (thought I agree, this behaviour is rife)

Try being a dance mum at exam or show time then you see the claws come out!

Rugby (Union) holds itself up as highly superior to football but the culture around the game is utterly vile. Just because boys are taught to call the ref 'Sir' doesn't mean they are gentlemen.

Pony Club mothers are awful. But I have never seen one threatening to deck an official....

It is, in part, dads living their lives vicariously through their kids. My two DS have played for a number of clubs over the years. The attitude of the coach will permeate the team and its supporters, but we all have a responsibility to make it known that foul language is unacceptable when children are playing, highlight dirty play and acknowledge it's not acceptable, cheer on and encourage good play from either side and protect the referee from abuse of any kind, especially verbal.

It's a bit of a sexist thing to say, but it's often easy for a mum to take on a dad who is behaving badly, particularly because they're frequently the kind of person who thinks they're a gentleman, so wouldn't be verbally abusive to a woman. A comment I've heard is is "you're embarrassing your son, and it's not fair on him." Anyone who scares you sufficiently should be dealt with by other means, but I did once witness a dad from my son's team trying to take on a dad from the other team on the sideline. Fisticuffs averted when the (female) welfare officer stood between them. The dad (from our team) was subsequently banned from attending matches.

I've also experienced such bad behaviour from an opposing team that we arranged for representatives from the local FA to come to the re-match.

Bad behaviour happens on the side lines, but shouldn't be tolerated.

Like bigsandyballs it isnt something we encounter with dds football team, and they have played in different leagues over the years.
Having 2 dc that play football and one that plays rugby Id agree with Lupercalia, Betrand and others about the fact that ruby has got it cracked with respecting the ref, but that there is some awful violence and thuggery that is deemed to be acceptable though. It certainly isnt all sweetness and roses, and, football certainly isnt all about abuse

There's also the issue that the football players we see on TV and at matches don't always set a good example to younger players.

I’ve seen terrible behaviour by parents (mums as well as dads) on the sidelines at mini-rugby. It’s not just football, although spectator behaviour at senior rugby is a world away.

My DH coaches a kids football team too and he has had nightmare with some parents as previous posters have mentioned. It was the same when my DS was younger, some parents took it way to seriously. I partly blame the academy system and the large amounts of money in football - every other child seems to play for an academy affiliated to one of the big clubs round where we live (big football city in the North that isn't Liverpool ) and the parents get completely giddy and think their DSs are going to be football millionaires. The parents of the ones that don't play for an academy all think their child should be chosen for one and that they too will be football millionaires, if only the (volunteer) coaches put their child centre stage and let them play as strikers for the whole match. I find it all a bit pathetic and don't get involved in DSS football at all and I'm glad I don;t have to. Just let them all go out and have fun and enjoy being part of the team for God's sake.

Find a new club. Dd plays at a fairly high level and everyone is really nice. Occasionally you get some arsehole coaches of opposing teams, and she's been sworn at by players,but bad behaviour from the parents just doesn't happen.

Comments about your ds are probably because they they are jealous but there's some truth in the fact that kids mature at different rates so top goal scorer at 6 doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things but enjoy it while it lasts.

I also have a dd who plays hockey - it's fun, she's good at it but for pure passion it just doesn't compare with football!