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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect us to be able to spend "my" money

37 replies

Hedgehoginthefog · 16/05/2018 12:52

Hope I can explain this properly - sorry it's a bit long.

DP and I are completing on our first house on Friday. We have semi-separate finances - we contribute proportionally to a joint account as he earns more. Mortgage payments will come out of this but deposit, fees, etc. have come out 50-50 of separate savings, which are about equal, except some his are tied up in long-term savings accounts so not accessible.

I have budgeted costs for white goods, furniture, etc. and it is more than we were expecting. He won't have immediately accessible savings for half and he refuses to have me pay more, even though I would want us to pay back into savings (whichever we used) monthly to build them back up. AIBU to think if it's "our" money when he is contributing more to the mortgage, it should be "our" money if I am contributing more upfront to a "loan" from our savings?

I told him that if it's "my" money, I'm going to use it on (for example) a dining table (he wants to manage without the latter until we have saved up) and now he is annoyed with me.

This is the first time I have had more money available than him. We usually have very similar attitudes to spending/saving so I am surprised at his reaction and it has upset me quite a lot. He thinks I should see it as a positive that he doesn't want to "take" my money, so we're at a bit of a stalemate!

Long term plan is to get married and merge finances but both keep some savings separate "just in case".

OP posts:

MoMandaS · 16/05/2018 12:57

Do you think his attitude/your reaction to his attitude is because you think he feels uncomfortable at the (perceived) shift in balance of (ostensibly purely financial but maybe actually more) power as a result of these circumstances?

MoMandaS · 16/05/2018 12:58

And you're questioning why it should make him uncomfortable?

Mannix · 16/05/2018 12:59

Tricky one - I can see both sides. I sort of agree with him that a dining table isn't an immediate essential, but I do see your point of view too in terms of what you choose to spend your money on.

I imagine that his long-term savings are accessible if he really needs to (although he would be penalised by missing out on interest) - maybe look into that as a possibility if this is so important to both of you? So that you start off on an equal footing? The loss of interest might not be as much as you think.

Original poster

Hedgehoginthefog · 16/05/2018 13:05

Yes I think that's exactly is MoMandaS. I felt like we were contributing equally (as it is proportional) but now it has made me question whether he feels deep down like I am at best being supported by him, and at worst "taking" his money because he puts in more to our joint account.

It's not really the principle of buying a dining table or not Mannix (agree it is far from essential) - it's more about him refusing to use "my" money for a joint purpose when he would happily use his if the situation was reversed.

OP posts:

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 16/05/2018 13:09

YANBU. It would make me wonder whether he really sees you as a team or not.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 16/05/2018 13:09

Or if he holds some kind of sexist view where because he's the male partner, he couldn't possibly use money from his girlfriend as her role is to use his money, not the other way around.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 16/05/2018 13:11

It may not be about the money itself, but about the power that the money brings with it. So he's decided that the dining table can wait, but you've decided that you want it now. Because you have the money, you don't have to abide by his wishes and can do as you please. In this case he doesn't get the final say on how the money is utilized, and what gets prioritized.

Its' the usurping of his power that has him upset.

InDubiousBattle · 16/05/2018 13:23

I agree with overthehedge, he would like to remain the one with the big swinging....money bags. Either you're a partnership or not. Buy the dining table. If it bothers him that much tell him you'll keep it if you split up.

BlueJava · 16/05/2018 13:27

Completely agree with OverTheHedgeHammy, it's all about power. I earn a lot more than my DP and buy many holidays, stuff for house etc that I want and we all enjoy as a family. But frankly it takes a special guy to do that in my opinion.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 16/05/2018 13:30

It's weird. If I wanted to buy a dining table and had the money, I'd do so (and did actually). Seems like he doesn't want to have to 'owe' you or have you be the one with the 'power' having access to more money than him. I wouldn't like that. My money, I'll do what I like with it (we have spearate finances too with DH paying more in as the bigger earner although all big purchases have been by me).

MoMandaS · 16/05/2018 13:30

Is that something you feel you could put to him? Tell him his reaction makes you feel like he thinks you're taking from him? His response to that should show you how he really feels about it.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 13:32

It may not be about the money itself, but about the power that the money brings with it. So he's decided that the dining table can wait, but you've decided that you want it now. Because you have the money, you don't have to abide by his wishes and can do as you please. In this case he doesn't get the final say on how the money is utilized, and what gets prioritized.

Its' the usurping of his power that has him upset.

Overthehedge has it I reckon.

Explore that a bit more. What's he generally like as a partner?

Be careful that the on-the-surface-of-it ever so diligent attitude of fairness re money isn't actually hiding something else. Sounds like the setup so far is basically fair, but has the effect of leaving him in the driving seat as he earns more.

Have a think about his attitude in general and come back on here for suggestions of how to tackle it with him. Because you can't proceed if there's a controlling red flag there. I'd say it was time for truly joint finances. I bet he'll say no - it's the why that will be the interesting bit.

StormTreader · 16/05/2018 13:37

Agree with FizzyGreenWater - there are life events that can lead to your income stopping for a while (pregnancy/maternity being the obvious example but illness or other things can come up too) and you need to know that you are not going to end up with him assuming he will always have the final say on everything just because the money is currently solely being brought in by him.

AlfredDaButtler · 16/05/2018 13:42

I think Overthehedge has it. Things need to be either exactly equal or in his favour, or else he's not in charge. A slightly alarming trait to reveal in oneself a week before completing on a house purchase.

BeyondThePage · 16/05/2018 13:45

I would be looking at it from a more practical viewpoint - when you move house you don't tend to buy non-essentials for 2 months - the bedding in phase -

you never know where the next money pit will be - is the boiler new and up-to-the-job? Plumbing/electrics/stinky hall carpet, crack in the bath, kitchen sink that doesn't drain properly, is the roof sound, is there any hidden dry-rot or damp. Is the outside of the property in need of tlc etc. How about the drains?

Would just be keeping a load of money in reserve for "just in case" things. Is he a pragmatist?

IIIustriousIyIllogical · 16/05/2018 13:47

I know that I don't like my partner spending their own money on household things because it sets a precedent.

In my eyes, my money is for me to spend on what I like as is theirs.

I wouldn't spend my money on a table for the house, I'd rather save up & get it out of the household money - and I'd feel the same about my partners money.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 13:48

you need to know that you are not going to end up with him assuming he will always have the final say on everything just because the money is currently solely being brought in by him.

yep.

he is looking like the kind of man you say 'joint accounts - both names everything - or no deal. As I have no intention of being told, when I'm on maternity/working part time to care for OUR kids, that I'm 'not contributing as much'.

Jaxhog · 16/05/2018 13:54

This actually sounds reasonable to me. If once one of you starts spending 'more', then the whole arrangement falls down. Keep shared money for shared things.

It isn't about power, it's about not changing the agreement. You can only do this if you BOTH agree.

snewname · 16/05/2018 13:57

He thinks I should see it as a positive that he doesn't want to "take" my money, so we're at a bit of a stalemate!

He doesn't want to take your money but he does want to dictate what you do with it.

Now is a good time to discuss when finances are merged, how you will agree on the way forward. And what will happen in the event of babies, job loss (on both sides) etc.

AlfredDaButtler · 16/05/2018 14:03

Keep shared money for shared things.

So what about a situation where one person just fancies replacing something even though the original is still perfectly functional? E.g. One person fancies getting a new telly with whatever latest technology for the living room, even though there is nothing wrong with the existing tv. Does the other person have to lump it and have the joint savings used to buy the unnecessary new TV, or can the other person just go and buy it from their own cash even though it will be used by the household? Or does the TV Replacer have to lump it and go without a new TV that they could afford to buy solo because it has to come out of the joint savings and the other person doesn't agree that it's a worthwhile use of that money and if they buy it from their personal cash it's undermining the concept of shared savings?

IIIustriousIyIllogical · 16/05/2018 14:09

In that case, unless there's a need for a new TV (old one blown up) then the gadgeteer pays for their new toy - same as a service for my motorbike comes out of shared money, but a new helmet would come out of mine.

AmethystMoon · 16/05/2018 14:18

I just wanted to say that you really need to get to the bottom of this and what it all means to him.....before you marry him!
I’m a relationship counsellor and this stuff destroys relationships as it grows. If you feel uncomfortable now, listen to yourself. Do you want shared decisions? If so, you both have to work on that. He seems to have issues with feeling he’s taking from you.....so how does he see his higher (in cash terms) contribution to the joint account each month? Maybe not as equal?
You have said you’ll control what you spend it on as it’s ‘your’ money (as he sees it).
Neither approach will produce equal/joint decisions.
I do see why you said it to him BTW!

Original poster

Hedgehoginthefog · 16/05/2018 14:50

Thanks for all the replies. Glad that the general consensus seems to be that I am not overreacting!

I have texted him to say we need to have a serious money conversation and he has said he will come home early (he was supposed to be working late) so that we can come up with a financial plan we are both happy with.

To answer some other questions - the money will be just over a quarter of what is left in my savings, so we will still have a decent buffer accessible. We have already agreed that we will not be buying anything other than white goods and a bed on day one, but he was talking about waiting 6 months - 1 year to save up for 'non-essentials' like wardrobes and a dining table, when we (I) have all the money sitting there right now.

OP posts:

InDubiousBattle · 16/05/2018 15:02

Surely he won't expect you to live without a wardrobe for a year because he's too proud to spend your money on one?

AmethystMoon · 16/05/2018 15:46

Good luck Hedgehog....bear in mind that how you handle this next conversation will set a standard for you, for your relationship for the future.
It’s not about money, it’s about power and control. If both parties are genuinely happy with an arrangement and you think the majority of others wouldn’t question it, it’s probably okay.
If you feel a bit icky or would shy away from others knowing (not in a nosey sense!) that should ring alarm bells. E.g. If you go on to have children, the power shift can really strain a relationship (which ever way it works). Get it right (for you) at the start and you stand a better chance of weathering storms together.

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