to expect us to be able to spend "my" money

[Hedgehoginthefog]

Hope I can explain this properly - sorry it's a bit long.

DP and I are completing on our first house on Friday. We have semi-separate finances - we contribute proportionally to a joint account as he earns more. Mortgage payments will come out of this but deposit, fees, etc. have come out 50-50 of separate savings, which are about equal, except some his are tied up in long-term savings accounts so not accessible.

I have budgeted costs for white goods, furniture, etc. and it is more than we were expecting. He won't have immediately accessible savings for half and he refuses to have me pay more, even though I would want us to pay back into savings (whichever we used) monthly to build them back up. AIBU to think if it's "our" money when he is contributing more to the mortgage, it should be "our" money if I am contributing more upfront to a "loan" from our savings?

I told him that if it's "my" money, I'm going to use it on (for example) a dining table (he wants to manage without the latter until we have saved up) and now he is annoyed with me.

This is the first time I have had more money available than him. We usually have very similar attitudes to spending/saving so I am surprised at his reaction and it has upset me quite a lot. He thinks I should see it as a positive that he doesn't want to "take" my money, so we're at a bit of a stalemate!

Long term plan is to get married and merge finances but both keep some savings separate "just in case".

I get why he's uncomfortable it's weird when things shift but he needs to learn to move past it.
At first I thought depending on how long you'd be saving maybe you can wait for a few things. But then I read your update and he wants to save for that long before getting big furniture it seems ridiculous.
We've been in our house nearly a year now and not everything is done but that's due to us undertaking an extension. But I made sure which ever rooms wouldn't be effected by the build would be sorted out straight away. It makes your house feel like a home when you put furniture in it and make it your own.
Some things take time to decide on purely because you need to look around, but that doesn't mean you have to ignore it and not look or buy just because the money isn't in the right place.

You have a house together now so things are practically permanent. It shouldn't matter that it will come from your account until his account is ready to put his part in. You've committed to the fact you'll still be together when his money is ready.

By the way, this is totally off the point (and not at ALL the important thing on the thread) but when it comes to things like dining tables at least, a nice antique one from ebay can usually knock spots off a brand-new expensive table in terms of design, build quality and overall loveliness, and for a fraction of the price. Depends on what style you like I know - but when it comes to furniture, you will absolutely get a better deal buying secondhand...

Can't you "borrow" from your savings if he feels uncomfortable with it being your money? It seems madness that it is there and waiting and not being used. Surely that is the compromise to you paying for it?

Hopefully he'll see the sense when you explain about him paying more.

You both seem keen for the other one not to be out of pocket. That seems a good basis for joint finances later on - as long as you discount the controlling element.

Hi all, thought I'd come back with an update.

DP was absolutely mortified when I explained how I was feeling. He admitted that there maybe is an element of him not liking the role reversal of me having more in this instance but said that that is his issue to get over and we are 100% a team.

His main issue is still that he thinks it's more important for me to have a decent amount of savings in my name, because there is no way I could afford the mortgage by myself if something happened to him or we split up (obviously both of us hoping neither of those things happen!), so I need that safety net. We have life insurance but he wants to have all bases covered. However, he has accepted that we can borrow from my savings as long as there is still a decent amount accessible and he was being 'a bit silly' with his furniture purchasing time frames.

So basically a lot of fuss about nothing but a very necessary conversation nonetheless!

And now I need to go and get on with things because we are getting our new house tomorrow!!

Great news! I'm glad he's been able to address the issue honestly.

Good luck with moving day

Pleased to hear it, and pleased your relationship is such that you were both able to discuss it and resolve it sensibly.

Great update OP

The best result you could hope for.

Jaysus!
If you want a table just buy a bloody table.
Life's too short

SORRY
Just saw the update

That’s great
So important that you raised it and had the talk.

Maybe he thinks he'll have less say or choice in what are usually joint purchases if you're paying. For example, if "you" are buying it, you might just buy the table "you" want and not one he would agree to. In a household, this could become quite annoying.