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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up work and stay at home?

29 replies

Picklepickle123 · 16/05/2018 12:24

I know this has been done to death but I'm really struggling. Due to go back to work next month when DS is 12 months old - my decision and I was happy with it.

However, as the date looms closer, I feel more and more sad that I'll have to leave my baby with strangers and won't be there with him. We can easily afford for me to stay at home, but I desperately love my job and feel like I need to have a part of my life where I'm not 'mum'.

DS has not settled well at nursery, so this is not making the transition any easier. However, I am also living in an area with no family support and limited friends available during the week. This has made maternity leave a little lonely, and I fear being a SAHM will only exacerbate this.

I need someone to hit me over the head and tell me what to do....

OP posts:

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 16/05/2018 12:27

My advice is not to make the decision now. Going back to work is easily revocable if you decide you'd rather be at home. Quitting now isn't. Going back is often significantly worse in the anticipation than in reality and your DS will eventually settle at nursery. Or you could explore another childcare option if you decide this one doesn't suit.

Plan to go back for three months; if at the end of two you're confident you'd rather SAH, you can quit then.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 16/05/2018 12:30

PS. IMO, if you genuinely love your job and already feel a bit lonely at home, there's a good chance you won't enjoy SAH full time. It can really grind you down and leave you feeling depressed, devalued and isolated. I think the people who truly thrive on SAH are relatively rare.

Mannix · 16/05/2018 12:32

This is such a difficult decision. But honestly OP, as you describe it as a job you love, I would go back. My advice would be different if you were lukewarm about it. You're thinking about the imminent future and letting your DS be unhappy, but the longer term is important too. If you're a SAHM till he starts school it's likely to be very difficult to return to your current job or a similar one. And even if you just take another year off, you're just postponing the inevitable re leaving him in childcare.

SayImADreamer · 16/05/2018 12:35

Go back.

You can always change your mind later.

TheyBuiltThePyramids · 16/05/2018 12:36

I loved my ML and felt quite sick at the idea of going back to work. I did though, and whilst it was initially tough, you quickly get in a new routine. I would certainly attempt it before making any decisions.

Fruitcorner123 · 16/05/2018 12:38

i would love to be a SAHP but we can't afford it so I work part time. I love mat leave but i have made friends at groups and so on. If you were to stay at home you really would need to commit to attending play groups etc. and meeting other people otherwise I imagine you would find it tough.

you have a few options

go back and see how it goes with a plan to leave in the future ofif he doesnt settle at nursery or you are still unhappy
go back and keep persevering with childcare.
compromise on part time (if this is an option for you)
leave completely

if you leave would you be able to to return to your field in a few years easily? Could you take a sabbatical for a year and return when he is 2?

Raver84 · 16/05/2018 12:40

I'd go back. Can you do part time? If it dosnt work out then you can leave or another option is if you wanted a sibling is go back tt then take another maternity leave. If you have another and start being sahm when you have two similar ages and nursery fees etc become quite expensive. I had my 4 close together to minimise my time out of work and I'm back now, though getting back in hasn't been easy to be honest.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 16/05/2018 12:42

Stop and imagine for one moment what would happen of your DP suddenly stopped earning. How would you cope as a SAHM? Would you be able to get your job back after a period of absence, or would you have to start at the bottom and work your way back up again?

You can't predict what will happen in the future.

My DH is ill, and I've suddenly had to provide for the family after being a SAHM for 9 years. It sucks. It's been almost impossible and the interim period between the illness and me earning enough money (JUST!) was only possible because our families helped us out financially. Otherwise we would have lost our house.

So while I understand you want to be with your DS, please consider his future carefully, because by not going back to work you leave yourself at the mercy of an uncertain future.

Bambamber · 16/05/2018 12:50

I felt exactly the same as you, And my DD didn't seem to be settling either. But we persevered and after a month my DD is much more settler. Now she's finally settled in I'm a lot more relaxed about going back and have done a couple of KIT days. I would personally give it a go and see how you feel once your are back at work. I found the anticipation of going back worse than actually going back

Loandbeholdagain · 16/05/2018 12:54

I’m a stahm. I left a good job. No regrets as I am definitely appreciating precious time while my kids are young. However it is also tough losing your own identity. I have to work hard to do my own things too (thankfully have a partner who supports me doing this). I’ve got friends who went back but another quickly to get another maternity leave while their first is still little.

gillybeanz · 16/05/2018 12:56

Unless you don't have a choice you should go with your heart.
It was a no brainer for me because the thought of leaving ds1 with "strangers", was not for me. Then ds2 came along and much later dd.
We have struggled financially at times, but it was worth it, for us.
I left a stellar career that wasn't fitting for family life and didn't want to retrain in something else.
I was at home for about 25 years, then walked into a job when I wanted work, it isn't always impossible to get work. Of course it's min wage job with no responsibility and pt, but I love just being able to go out for a few hours with no responsibility, and finishing when logged off, no work or worry to take home.
It's what works for you.

unintentionalthreadkiller · 16/05/2018 13:00

Go back, and reassess in a couple of months time. Much easier than quitting and then trying to get back in if that's what you want to do.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 16/05/2018 13:05

Do not give up your independence and all that you've worked so hard for to stay at home. Go back to work.

melodybirds · 16/05/2018 13:09

I desperately love my job and feel like I need to have a part of my life where I'm not 'mum

You also mention loneliness. Go back to work. Ds will be fine and you will have lots of quality time together still.

HoppingPavlova · 16/05/2018 13:16

Is part time a possibility?

bibliomania · 16/05/2018 13:22

Go back. Otherwise you're making a decision without knowing the full facts, because you don't yet know whether you'll be able to settle into a routine that works nicely for you and your family. Give it a shot - as pp have said, you're not locking yourself into an irreversible decision.

Adviceplease360 · 16/05/2018 13:27

Leave.
I would leave too if I could afford to and stay at home with my kids, you won't regret it.

IHATEPeppaPig · 16/05/2018 13:48

I felt like you before I returned both times but I have loved being back at work and I appreciate the times I do have with my kids. I condensed my hours and do 3 days.

OP go back to work and then assess in 3 months time - if you hate being back then you can always leave.

ToesInWater · 16/05/2018 13:54

It sounds like you have the luxury of choice so I would suggest you keep your options open as long as possible. Why not go back to work and see how it goes, if it's not working for you and your child down the track then give up but you won't know what it is going to be like until you try it. I went back to work part time when DS1 was six months and tbh I loved it as it gave me the best of both worlds but you have to decide what works for you.

iveburntthetoast · 16/05/2018 13:55

Like others have said, give work a chance—at least a couple of months before making a decision. I felt quite similar to you when I had DD1, but going back to work was definitely the right decision for me. I think the best option is working PT, but that often brings sacrifices in terms of the type of work you can get and not advancing as quickly as you might want to. (I know PT works great for some people, but others can feel they’re not valued as much as FT staff and lose out.)

gillybeanz · 16/05/2018 14:24

Lots of women thrive being a sahm, but if you enjoy working and need to define yourself in some way i.e mum, wife, your work etc then it might not be for you.
I think it suits those that don't label themselves or define themselves by what they do.
It never occurred to me that I might be lonely as I like my own company and dh is at home a lot. I'm happy pottering, having hobbies and interests and looking after dc, although 2 are grown ups now, but when they were younger, I loved it.
I think identity can come into for many women, and if this is important to you, then I agree with pps who say go back and try it, to see if it works for you.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 16/05/2018 14:31

I would leave too if I could afford to and stay at home with my kids, you won't regret it.

That's pretty steep advice to give when you actually aren't doing it yourself, and when lots of people do regret it, a lot.

StormcloakNord · 16/05/2018 14:34

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but it really grinds my gears when women moan about being upset at leaving their child with "strangers" and missing their child soooo much.

Some of us had no option but to do it & it leaves a sour taste in the mouth when people speak about going back to work like that...

Namechange128 · 16/05/2018 14:41

Do you want more children? I cried every day after dd1 started nursery, and my job was really intense so never got to 'enjoy me time' at work the way you sometimes read about on here. In an ideal world where you could stay at home for 5-6 years, have kids and still re-enter the work force / be financially stable I'd probably still be home...

However, that isn't our world. Going back after a year meant that when I got pregnant a second time (and a third time!), I didn't have a huge CV gap and we rebuilt some savings - this was also important a year later, when DH became quite unwell and had to go part time, so suddenly I was the main earner.

If you go back, even for 2 months then quit, you'll still have a bit more cash but also not a big CV gap. Only you can know your full circumstances, but there are many dispirited SAHMs of older kids posting on here saying how hard it is to get back in.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 16/05/2018 14:41

I felt exactly like you do - I went back to work on the basis I'd give it a good 2 months before making any decisions. One month in and I'm so glad I went back, it was so hard at first but it's great now. DS is fine and thriving, and I appreciate my time with him so much more.

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