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AIBU?

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Original poster

Possible OW - how do you stay silent whilst trying to gather evidence?

37 replies

Changednamehowdoyoucope · 16/05/2018 09:46

As the title says....but for background we've been married for 24 years, 2DS and although we have had ups and downs I never thought I would ever be in this situation.

I set up DH's FB account years ago and as he didn't even have an email address then I had to use one of mine. His accounts set up so if he gets a private message an email is sent to say Joe blogged has sent a message - it doesn't say on the email what the message says, just that there has been a message sent.

So over the years I've received these emails so it might be friend A has sent a message, friend B etc and I've never thought twice but over the last few days 4 emails came through saying he'd had a message of this woman (I'm also friends with her but have always been wary given her dating history)

For some reason I was agitated and very curious as to what she was messaging him about so I logged into his FB and whilst all messages from other people are there every single message from her have been deleted - including very innocent ones I've known her to send in the past like the happy New year gifs.

'D'H has not mentioned them at all and it has hit me for 6....I struggled to even look at him last night and I'm finding myself logging into his FB constantly

I've never been the suspicious type, never doubted but whilst I understand the wait until I have full evidence I'm struggling to not scream at him about this

How do you cope?

I've name changed and at work so apologies if I don't come back to this for a while

OP posts:
Ansumpasty · 16/05/2018 09:52

Just wait until you have another email and then log in right away.
Don’t mention it otherwise he will just deny it or think of an excuse and talk to her another way.
You don’t know if it’s anything to worry about yet so just have to be strong and wait

Dungeondragon15 · 16/05/2018 09:56

I would wait for another e mail and then log in. If they were having an affair, why would she message him via facebook though? Wouldn't she send private e mails? Quite possibly she is adding messages he doesn't like, but who knows what?

Fruitcorner123 · 16/05/2018 10:13

He could be deleting them because she annoys him or she is chasing him and he is not interested or perhaps she wants to talk to him about something and he doesnt want to talk? Are there any other signs he is having an affair? Can you think of times when he might be fitting it in?

Eatalot · 16/05/2018 10:46

Agreed he could be deleting messages. Could be farm ville invites etc. Or she is trying it in. Is there any other behaviour that could suggest ow?

MissStegosaurus · 16/05/2018 10:51

I agree I would keep an eye out for another email and log in straight away.

purplelass · 16/05/2018 11:09

Keeping your head together while investigating is so hard. You need to have at least one confidante who you can tell everything to (and keep posting here as well) so that you get reassurance that you're not going crazy.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had to do similar 3 years ago when I found a hotel booking ExH had made and was 99% sure it wasn't for me. We were due to go on a family holiday shortly before the booking and I wanted us to have this time as I was pretty sure it would be our last. I couldn't have done it without my sister and my bestie to confide in!

I hope you can find the truth soon, and truly hope it turns out to be something innocent Flowers

tulipali · 16/05/2018 11:14

Could you download messenger and keep it logged in on your phone so it instantly comes up?

Original poster
Changednamehowdoyoucope · 16/05/2018 11:23

Thank you so far - I have spoken to my sister last night so I do have a human I can vent to.

With regards logging in as soon as I get an email there seems to be a time difference between messages getting sent and an email arriving to say a message has been sent (my sister and I tested it last night)

In terms of time - he does have the time as he doesn't work to a set time so to speak so can be home from anything from 6.30 til 7.30. He will then take the dog out and she lives close to where the dog is walked.

It wasn't the fact she messaged him, but 4 messages within a couple of days and for every message she's ever sent to be deleted whilst not deleting any messages from anyone else that's produced this red flag.

I have now installed messenger to my phone logged into his account so I should get that notification direct

It's so difficult to not have it out with him

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 16/05/2018 11:32

Other than missing messages, have there been any signs?
Has he changed behaviours or anything?

blessedbe · 16/05/2018 11:32

If you read the messages before him, he won’t get a notification. Just as a heads up, if he then finds the messages read, he’ll know someone (you) has been on and already read it. It does sound suspect though.

Juiceylucy09 · 16/05/2018 11:34

I would be very suspicious, especially if the lady in question has form.

Though he may know you logged in by the activities log. Is he computer savy since he did not have his own email address.

If he is not, I would leave his FB active on your phone and you will get to see the message immediately. Also to ask are you due a big birthday coming up, Could she be helping him organise a treat??

Forgottencoffee · 16/05/2018 11:39

Can you stay logged in the messenger app under his account? I have access to both mine and DH FB messages within the app without being logged in to his FB account. That way you will get the notification as soon as he gets a message. You could read it then mark it as “unread” and hope your husband just thinks he missed the notification.

blessedbe · 16/05/2018 12:01

You can’t mark them as unread, it’s a message, not an email. He would know, or at best might pass one off as a technical blip. How long does he walk the dog for?

purplelass · 16/05/2018 12:05

If you have the messenger app on your phone you can 'drag down' when the notification pops up and read the message (or at least some of it) without it marking as read.

Don't forget to screenshot this before he gets the chance to delete it though.

HateTheDF · 16/05/2018 12:07

You can mark Facebook message as unread on a browser, I'm not sure about the messenger app. I do it all the time if I need to reply to someone to make sure I don't forget. He just won't get the notification icon.

JessicaPeach · 16/05/2018 12:08

Look in the archive and sent messages. They might still be there, fb is a bit odd about how it deletes messages.

SparklyMagpie · 16/05/2018 12:26

Nothing more to add as PP's have said everything I was going to

But just wanted to say,I really hope it's not worst case and there's an explanation behind it. I'd be feeling the same as you OP

Forgottencoffee · 16/05/2018 12:55

blessedbe you can. I do it all the time in the app your notification will just disappear on your phone but will still show a red number on the message icon on FB

blessedbe · 16/05/2018 13:03

Ah, sorry, I didn’t realise that! As you were!

Saladd0dger · 16/05/2018 13:04

Can’t you have a secret conversation on messanger with someone? Where the messages only show up on the device you are using and not any other ?? When I click to message someone it comes up with the option of secret in the top right corner. I could be wrong but I’m sure someone who knows will be here soon

RomeoBunny · 16/05/2018 13:05

Log in to messenger on your phone. He won't be able to see. So they'll come straight through to you.

GirlsBlouse17 · 16/05/2018 13:12

No advice to give OP. Just want to say hope it's nothing. Just something innocent x

RatRolyPoly · 16/05/2018 13:19

Is there any evidence of public Facebook activity between them, OP? Maybe likes on each other's pages, comments etc.?

Downloading messenger was a canny move I think. Crossing my fingers for you that it's something innocent.

Original poster
Changednamehowdoyoucope · 16/05/2018 13:48

No to birthday or anything like that and no 'public' activity on fb - he has sent her a gif today saying the boredom dance but no reply from her yet. I feel sick just with that as even though it's innocent on its own he never sends me anything like that.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 16/05/2018 13:51

the walking the dog does sound a bit suspicious. hope she replies soon.

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