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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sibling massively out earning other sibling(s)

48 replies

incywincey · 15/05/2018 23:24

My brother DB1 is doing very well in his career as an exec in a big firm. He's already out-earning my other brother DB2 by about 12x, with DB1 salary likely to continue to soar. Both DBs are bright and successful but chose very different sectors for their careers. I am also successful and earn around 2x DB2 salary. Although I am very happy for DB1 and his family, I wonder if such a vast discrepancy in our wealth and spending power will create a big difference in our lifestyle and lead to awkwardness when together? Especially when arranging family holidays and spending a lot of time together going out to restaurants etc, with DB1 wanting to go for the luxury option and splurging on meals out and DB2 and myself being on much more of a budget and needing to be conscious of costs. DB1 is very generous but neither DB2 nor myself would want to regularly be paid for or subsidised.

Have you experienced this and AIBU to think it could be an issue?

OP posts:

ineedamoreadultieradult · 15/05/2018 23:27

Do you go on family holidays now you are all adults? My brother earns significantly more than me but as he's not a prat he never makes it obvious and we go out for family meals at places accessible to everyone. We don't do family holidays though so can't comment there. I think it's only awkward if the rich one acts like a flash Harry or if the lower salaried one has a big chip on their shoulder about it.

Original poster

incywincey · 15/05/2018 23:33

Yes we do do big family holidays so the cousins can spend time together. DB1 not showy about his money but does like to enjoy it.

OP posts:

NameChangedForThisQ · 15/05/2018 23:37

I would talk about it if poss and make budgets for eating out and accommodation that DB2 can afford. DB1 can splash the cash the rest of the year.

NameChangedForThisQ · 15/05/2018 23:39

We have massive family holidays with a range of salaries. The way we get around that is 'traditions' such as the same holiday let, same activities, same food types and restaurant budget every year that everyone can afford. We put all the money together preholiday and one person holds this money and pays for everything.

blaaake · 15/05/2018 23:40

I'm wealthier than both of my siblings (though they earn quite decent money) and inevitably pay for them when we go on all-out holidays (every two or three years). I don't mind, like, so it depends on your DB.

NoSquirrels · 15/05/2018 23:43

I think it's not an issue to worry about in advance. If it becomes an issue, there are loads of ways to negotiate it fairly, primarily by the lower earners just being honest and saying, "Sorry, we can't afford that, we can afford to spend £x" and then doing something within that budget. There's no reason why your DB1 would resent that - he can go on whatever flashy holidays etc he likes all the rest of the time. Clear honest communication is surely the key?

AvoidingDM · 15/05/2018 23:50

Surely DB1 realises that he is out earning both of you?
Surely he also realises that if he wants to spend time together it's either at DB2's budget or he himself flashes the cash???

Maybe say Sorry can't afford A can do B thought and let him make the occasional offer to pay for A?

siwel123 · 15/05/2018 23:56

It causes no resentment.
My sister works at a supermarket and hubby in a factory.
I earn 60k in civil service and wife 50k. The pay difference isn't as big as your brothers but we get along great, holiday togeher and just find something in everyones budget and then we maybe treat them to a fancy meal or some drinks etc.

Murane · 16/05/2018 00:04

I've known this break up families. DB1 on around £100k, DB2 on £50k, DB3 on min wage and claiming benefits between jobs. All lived in different areas and had different social circles with different influences on their kids and different schools. DB1 decided that DB3's kids were a bad influence on his own kids and refused to let them see each other so stopped taking them to his parents house. DB3 was offended and it caused a rift. DB2 was in the middle and trying to maintain contact with both. In the end DB1 basically cut off both his parents and siblings in an effort to keep DB3's kids away from his own.

dailymailsucksbigtime · 16/05/2018 00:05

We probably earn more combined than all 5 of our siblings and their other half combined.

Not an issue. We tend to go to local cheap restaurants with 1 side and the other side don't have an issue with us paying (nor do we) or they cook as one is a professional chef. We have weekends away with 1 side-again not an issue- they chose the hotels- we fall in- we all pay for our own. I have taken the other side on holiday abroad twice and they have taken us away in the UK- I can honestly say that we have never discussed money.

I don't think that any of them have a clue what we earn- why would they ? I only know roughly what they earn as they tend to work in public sector roles.

I cant see why it would be an issue at all.

LightDrizzle · 16/05/2018 00:06

In this situation, most people in your DB1’s position have the sensitivity to pitch the holiday at a level comfortable for the least affluent participant.
When I was a child a few of my little playmates from the village and our mums went to Butlins every year for a few days. One year we were in a chalet with carpets and a colour TV, one year we were in a block where we had to go to the end to use communal toilet and washing facilities. Most years we were somewhere in between. It was only when I was older that I twigged our accommodation tracked the fortunes of the families involved. My mum is more used to Gritti Palace, Savoy level accommodation and can be a bit of a snob although she’d furiously deny it. I never heard a whisper of complaint from her or picked up on any attitude from her or any of the other mums. We all had a lovely time. They drank coffee, smoked and chatted while we ran wild all day.

BackforGood · 16/05/2018 00:08

If your relationship is good, there's lots of ways round it, as people have suggested. If your relationship isn't so good, then it's probably not a good idea to go on holiday together.

sleepingdragon · 16/05/2018 00:10

I am in a similar situation with 2 of my 3 siblings earning a lot more than me, although lesser multiples (I think). We have regular holidays together and my siblings a few years ago started offering to pay for extras (meals or days out) that they want to do with all of us, and this year have paid for the cost of the accommodation between them. They suggested the places, and so chose the budget- I had suggested camping. We are close though, and I feel confident that I contribute to the family in different ways - emotional support, childcare, practical help. We also have a shared history of going on holiday as adults and our parents insisting on paying for the accommodation, and do treat each other to days out and things. I also am financially comfortable enough that I can pay for things on the holiday and could cover the cost of an impromptu activity or meal out. I think if I was having to budget every pound I would find it uncomfortable to rely on others to offer a round of drinks or an icecream every time- when I've been in this situation I would prefer to decline an invite. I wouldn't suggest an activity they had to pay for all of us for either if that makes sense- I'm trying not to be a CF!

My siblings tend to have other more expensive holidays based around their or their partner's hobbies and spend their extra cash on living more extravagently than I do

gluteustothemaximus · 16/05/2018 00:15

It all depends if anyone is a twat. Money or no money, if you’re a nice person, then you won’t make it an issue.

My DB earned tonnes, and was a twat. Snobby. We could never afford where he chose to eat. Turned his nose up at our suggestions.

My other DB earned tonnes, and wasn’t a twat. Lovely, kind, generous and always chose places to suit our budget not his.

catkind · 16/05/2018 00:18

We have had some high earners in the family. And friends come to that.
Generally means if they're hosting it will be lavish, but they'll happily muck in normally when someone else is hosting. Unless they're insensitive sods, I don't think family holidays should be a problem. The biggest barrier has tended to be the people I know bringing in ££ are quite time-poor.

NiceCardigan · 16/05/2018 00:21

My colleagues DB is a best selling author whose books have been made into films. They seem to spend a lot of holidays together so I suppose it works for them but maybe because the difference is so much it stops mattering.

Want2bSupermum · 16/05/2018 01:00

We are in this situation with DHs family. My SIL is disabled and lost her DH in Feb. We support her. My PIL never had much (DH earned more than them combined when he was 23) and we have bought them a home and a car. Holidays are always simple because my BIL hasn't been well. I don't expect this to change with my SIL being in and out of hospital herself since she was widowed.

LockedOutOfMN · 16/05/2018 01:16

We have this in our family and it does not cause any issues that I know of (I am poor one). My rich sibling is financially generous within reason but he's always been a generous person and he is generous with more than money (i.e. time, love and care, effort) and none of the rest of us leeches off of him. When we do family things we pick things that everyone can afford and that everyone likes to do.

Realistica · 16/05/2018 01:43

In this situation, most people in your DB1’s position have the sensitivity to pitch the holiday at a level comfortable for the least affluent participant

This. My brother earns tons more than me but would never try to get us to go somewhere out of our price range, because he's not a dick.

thegreatbeyond · 16/05/2018 01:49

It all depends if anyone is a twat

So true, and in so very many contexts.

agnurse · 16/05/2018 01:50

I earn more than many of my siblings do. I know that my sister and BIL struggle on occasion and two of my brothers have to be careful with their money because their lifestyles are more itinerant. But it's NEVER created problems. We discuss our jobs but don't mention how much we earn.

Adversecamber22 · 16/05/2018 02:16

I am far better off by a country mile than my siblings. I have paid for weekends away and also dinners out for everyone.

I am careful mentioning some stuff though, I don't live near them. This years holiday is probably six months income for some of them.

isthisspring · 16/05/2018 02:59

We all have different income levels, we try and pick things that we can all afford so we split it up so that the better off pay a bit more. It doesn't need to be an issue if you don't want it to be.

Mannix · 16/05/2018 03:21

Agree with previous posters, it just takes a bit of sensitivity on both sides. We don’t go on holiday with our siblings, but we do sometimes go away with a group of friends and there is quite a big discrepancy in the group in terms of disposable income.

Basically, the lowest earning person needs to be able to afford the costs without too much of an issue. (For example, in our case this would be a main holiday for the lowest earning couple, but the highest earning couple would go somewhere else as well that year.) If the highest earning person wants to (say) go out for an amazing meal, you have to either agree to split up for that meal, or DB1 subsidies the rest of you and you accept graciously.

If it starts causing problems, maybe stop holidaying together? Most people don’t go on holiday with their adult siblings, and it’s less likely to be an issue in day to day life.

Glowbuggy · 16/05/2018 03:26

My brother massively out earns me and my partner, but our families still meet up for pizza at Mum and Dads all the time, BBQs at the park etc. It’s only an issue if your brother is an arsehole about it.
Their house is bigger, their car is nicer and his holidays are slightly more exotic - but he’s my brother and he still smells and picks his nose.

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