Sibling massively out earning other sibling(s)

[incywincey]

My brother DB1 is doing very well in his career as an exec in a big firm. He's already out-earning my other brother DB2 by about 12x, with DB1 salary likely to continue to soar. Both DBs are bright and successful but chose very different sectors for their careers. I am also successful and earn around 2x DB2 salary. Although I am very happy for DB1 and his family, I wonder if such a vast discrepancy in our wealth and spending power will create a big difference in our lifestyle and lead to awkwardness when together? Especially when arranging family holidays and spending a lot of time together going out to restaurants etc, with DB1 wanting to go for the luxury option and splurging on meals out and DB2 and myself being on much more of a budget and needing to be conscious of costs. DB1 is very generous but neither DB2 nor myself would want to regularly be paid for or subsidised.

Have you experienced this and AIBU to think it could be an issue?

If I earned 12x more than my sibling and they suggested a week in Skegness, I wouldn't say "wtf, come on let's go the bahamas". I would just go to skegness with my sibling and then go to the bahamas another time without him/her. It's not rocket science.

If your rich sibling is not doing the above, then it's more to do with him/her being an idiot than being rich.

It would only be an issue if your DB1 is an insensitive sod, or likes to show off.
If he's a normal sane human being, then he will realise that you and your other brother don't have his spending power, and he will either treat you if it's a special thing he feels he must do, or he will cut his cloth to match YOUR budgets.

Different scenario but in one of my friend groups, one or other of us (including me) has, at different times, been a bit broke. We still met up but we made sure that wherever we met up was within budget, and we never split the bill evenly, just let everyone pay for what they'd had. If it was the broke person's birthday, we'd club together and either pay for them in full or at least buy their drinks for them. This is what you do when you care about people - you make sure that they are comfortable and can afford to be out with you. You don't ever put them in a position of being unable to afford to come out, or making them pay more than they're comfortable paying just because YOU want to "live it large".

I’ve out earned my sister my entire career. It’s never been an issue.

We agree together what kind of meal we fancy and never have a problem agreeing. We agree budgets in advance for birthdays and Christmas.

We don’t do holidays together but that’s more to do with our differences in parenting styles than to do with finances.

Regardless of our income we’re more likely to go camping as a family than to stay in five star hotels.

Just because you have money doesn’t mean you are desperate to show it off.

Muranes story struck me as interesting because from what she says in her post the issue in that family wasn’t really about the money. It was about the parenting.

My sister is very, very well off - she’s worked her arse off and I’m so proud of her and what she’s accomplished. She’s one of the youngest women ever to have held a position at her level in her internationally known organisation and there really aren’t that many women at her level or above.

She’s never been one to ‘flash the cash’ and it’s never been an issue when we’re together. She doesn’t have expensive tastes or lifestyle and her children quite probably don’t realise just how financially secure their parents are.

I think it all comes down to the attitude of the person with the money. I have an ex friend (who earns less than my sister) who made me feel like I’m totally beneath them whenever we met up, despite us being comfortable, so I don’t bother with them anymore.

I'm not sure why you know each others salaries in the first place.

It depends what they do with that extra income. There is an income gap between my family and our siblings (but not as big as the ones listed above as they are still in professional jobs). Our additional income goes on a bigger house, commuting and a newer car. While you’d notice the house and car, the difference doesn’t go on ‘lifestyle’ type things so our day to day lives don’t seem that different. My friends knew we did well but I don’t think anyone had an idea of what we earnt until we bought our house and people googled the house price.

Id say there is a bigger difference between some of our friends than our siblings. We have always tried to do things to avoid excluding people and if we go out for meals, we’ll make sure bill splits are fair eg I’d never ever split the bill equally if I know someone has just had a main and water. As long as your brother has some degree of self awareness things should be fine.

My DB and my DH are the highest earners in our family, followed by my DSis’s.

What money our families have makes not one bit of difference. DH & I choose not to go on big family holidays because it’s just not our thing, family meals etc we just pay for what we’ve had and everyone orders what they like.

I’ve never really thought about who’s richer than who, it’s never really crossed my mind until now.

My sibling earns quite a lot more than us. She isn’t showy but help where she can quietly. Both me and my other sibling have children with Sen and she has quietly funded some equipment and therapies for them. It’s really not an issue. Her kids are in private schools and ours aren’t but again, no issue between cousins.

It all depends if anyone is a twat

Really they could take down the whole Mumsnet site and just put that up.

If only resources were dedicated to solving the problem of twatedness the world would be heading in a better direction.

Both my brothers earn way more than me. Both self made millionaires! However we are still really close. If we go out for dinner they tend to pick up the bill and put it through their businesses. However I'm more likely to have everyone round for Christmas, Easter etc, and I pay for everything then except booze. They are both extremely generous with their holiday homes etc and always make sure me and my kids go at least once a year. I work in a much needed occupation but don't earn much, they are both aware of that. We have fixed limits on birthday presents etc.

Meals out - you could either set a budget in line with the lowest earner and if DB1 wants to go somewhere else he pays.

Or you could alternate who is ‘hosting’ the night so you organise the first one either at home or out somewhere you choose and pay for everyone, then DB2 then DB1.

Holidays - set the budget to what the low earner can afford, find options in that range and if DB1 isn’t happy he makes up the difference.

I'm not sure why you know each others salaries in the first place

Why not? What’s wrong with talking about money?

You want your daughters not to fall in the the low income low status shit work hole...? Educate them about different careers and how much they pay.

It's only awkward if you let it be. Of course the higher earner is going to want to spend their money and enjoy it. It only becomes a problem if the brother is insisting you all go to a 3* michelin restaurant when the rest of you are happy with the local taverna.

And agree with the not talking about money. You can easily have the conversation with children about how lawyers earn more than teachers or plumbers earn more than production line workers without knowing to the penny what Uncle Tom earns.

If DB1 is happy to pay bit more then let him. He obviously wants to share his success with family.

Its no different then MN always saying the higher earning partner should pay more in rent/bills etc. If you are a close family it shouldn't be a big deal as long as he's not being obnoxious with the cash and flashing a new rolex or Bentley everytime you see him

it all depends if anyones a twat
Such wise words! I am always telling my children it dosent matter how much you earn, if you are a nice person you are a nice person, the wage packet is irrelevant! My brother earns 3/4 times as much as myself and our 2 sisters, hes lovely and considerate when it comes to budgeting for a family day and will not even consider an expensive place if that means it puts some of us in financial difficulty as thats not what a nice person does.

My 2 dsis massively outearn me and have no kids so have even more disposable income. Only a problem if either you or they make it so. I'm not jealous of their lives and they (generally) don't flaunt their wealth. And when and if they do it's quite funny - usually because they compete with each other a bit.
We go on holiday together sometimes, to the holiday my family can afford.

He's not a twat about it and I can't remember the context in which he mentioned his ballpark current earnings but actually I think it was to contextualize his ability to pay (for all of us) for a few luxuries and conveniences that we wouldn't normally go for - frequent restaurant and cafe outings rather than cooking at home (when visiting each other for a few days), taxis for short trips rather than the tube or 20 min walk traipsing with buggies in the drizzle. I didn't know quite how much he was on previously but now I do know, maybe it is fine to let him treat us when he wants to or partially subsidise holiday villas if we are sharing a place and he wants to. I think if he were earning more like double/triple my income, I would feel more uncomfortable about it all and would expect to split costs more evenly.

We haven’t done holidays, but not to say we won’t in the future. As a few pp have said, I think it is about pitching it correctly & not making people feel like the ‘poor relations’. I do always pick up the restaurant tabs, but not in a flash way and I think DB and DSIL are fine with that.

However, I do worry about schooling. We will most likely send both DC to private schools, which is not an option for DB and DSIL. I’m not going to be able to pay for my DNs as well, which saddens me and makes me feel guilty. I do save for them and would be able hopefully to pay for extra tuition and extra curricular activities. I just don’t like the idea of my DC obviously having more than them.

Personally I'm less bothered about schooling - I could probably afford private if I wanted to but I'm not keen on it. In any case DB1 lives abroad so there's less of a direct comparison in terms of life opportunities as a result of schooling.

So in our family - 2 brothers earning big bucks, one (a) is single and all the money is his, the other (b) has one child with ex and two with current wife and is mostly on the edge even with massive earnings due to various reasons which are not pertinent here. Another brother (c), 3 kids, profligate, permanently in debt and me (d) finally back in full time earning reasonable wage but single parent and been mostly on the bones of my arse for the last 6 years.

A is very generous but has just started a brand new business (high risk) using his own money and getting clients to pay has been tough so has used savings to pay employees. I lent him money last month, I will never ask for that money back. When he's been in funds he has: paid for me and my child to go on holiday more than once, always picked up restaurant bills, paid for my car when I was travelling around Australia etc... I would say we were probably the closest of all the siblings. B would help me out in a heartbeat if I ever asked (though I never would) and I would do the same for him. C, well, we love C.

Surely this is what families (should) do - help each other out when we can. It doesn't have to be money, it's an ear or going out of your way to do a favour, or turing up to the boring event they want you at or defending or protecting them when they need it. If you are good friends as well as siblings then cash isn't even an issue.

The biggest issue we have had is DHs family not understanding our work commitments. They have a hard time with DH and I spending half an hour twice a day to answer emails. We both take calls. I've flown back early from holiday once for a transaction.

My SIL is much better about it now. BIL was very good about it and called us corporate drones. My MIL thinks DH is working too hard because I am too demanding. I would never tell her DH works like he does because he had a miserable childhood and wants more for his DC. DH never had a choice beyond what was for dinner. His mother was very controlling because she had to be for them to stay on budget.

So holidays, meals etc are the easy things to us to navigate. Best thing I did was put us on a budget. We live off about 25% of our income. It's really helped keep DHs feet on the ground and our DC have a relatively normal upbringing.

Why not? What’s wrong with talking about money? I think it's sad and crass.

We don't talk money with anyone outside of business and those helping us with our personal financial management. Our family know we are making a lot. My BiL wants to know how much DH makes because he is annoying that way. When asked I told him 'enough to pay our way' which is all he needs to know. We talk money with the kids but it's coins and dollar bills!!!