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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think IABU but I don’t get this ...

31 replies

MrsDylanBlue · 15/05/2018 22:43

People who have really difficult pregnancies.

I know someone, she isn’t a close friend.

She has been on crutches every pregnancy and had HG and has just had her 5th child.

Constantly posts on FB about awareness of all the issues she has while pregnant and revels in what a hero she is.

When you have four young children why would you continue to have more children when you are completely debilitated for 9 months.

I probably ABU - I still don’t get it.

OP posts:
Noqonterfy · 15/05/2018 22:45

Maybe she wants a big family. Its the only explanation really isn't it.

SmashedMug · 15/05/2018 22:47

Maybe she wants more children? Not rocket science.

MissusGeneHunt · 15/05/2018 22:48

Has a bloody awful 9 months, swore I'd never do it again and didn't. Coupled with PND afterwards, I made the right choice for me. I can see your point, OP.

honeyishrunkthekid · 15/05/2018 22:53

I think I'm that context YANBU.
If it was a someone wanting a second then that's different

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 15/05/2018 22:53

Wanting a big family though at the detriment of your existing family.

OP posts:
EllieBeatrix · 15/05/2018 22:53

I do understand what you are saying. I have difficult pregnancies. If I want another baby, by the time I've dealt with the life-threatening sickness, heart troubles, SPD and recovered from the C-Section I would need, I basically would be writing off a year of my life. Consequently I would think very carefully before having another child.

However, if that's the price you have to pay for a child and you really want that child, then it's absolutely worth it.

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 15/05/2018 22:56

A second or even third maybe but a fifth?

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 15/05/2018 22:57

I don’t get it either OP. It would seem that the parents are paying no heed to the quality of life of their existing children. It’s a shame.

BakedBeans47 · 15/05/2018 22:58

I can totally see your point but presumably she thinks for the sake of 9 months it’s worth it to have the family she wants x

LoniceraJaponica · 15/05/2018 22:58

I don't get it either. It is quite selfish because it is a choice and other people have to help with childcare. Also if it is a massive, potentially life changing risk for the mother why would you risk making your other children motherless?

PinotMwah · 15/05/2018 22:59

I wouldn't have five children just because I wouldn't want five children -- personally it would be my idea of hell. For me the fact that she has bad pregnancies would be a red herring, it would be the fact that she would be kissing goodbye to her independence, sanity, solvency, freedom for God knows how long.

But you will go through whatever you have to go through to get the family you want. If you want five children then having five debilitating pregnancies is the price you pay.

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 15/05/2018 23:04

I guess so. I guess the choosing to do it and moaning about I don’t get either.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/05/2018 23:04

It's 9 months of stress for a lifetime of having that child.
What's with the snide 'revelling in being a hero' comment. Some people do have awful pregnancies - nothing wrong in making people aware of how it can be. She does deserve sympathy - she is doing something which is very hard for her.

Armchairanachist · 15/05/2018 23:05

HG with all three for the whole of my pregnancies. With the first I also had pre eclampsia and spent long periods in hospital. My husband and I wanted another after our first but waited nine years. I have his full support and fantastic friends and family. I now have the three happy healthy children I wanted.

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 15/05/2018 23:08

Why do you need to make people “aware of how it can be”.

By your fifth awful pregnancy you are aware.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/05/2018 23:21

Because lots of people assume pg is effortless. She feels like shit and wants sympathy from her family and friends. And tbf it's her fb page - she can put what she likes on it and if it irritates you, you can unfriend or hide her posts.

EllieBeatrix · 15/05/2018 23:46

Why do you need to make people “aware of how it can be”.

When it comes to HG you do have to make people aware, because most people just don't get it. The sickness you get with HG is just not comparable to that of morning sickness. You get tired of people suggesting you eat ginger biscuits or wear pressure bands, or my personal favourite "at least you are being sick, I just felt sick, and that's worse". 😂

I do get where you are coming from with FB though, I know a few people who post all their woes constantly and I do find it a bit annoying. I tend to unfollow, problem solved.

Brunsdon1 · 15/05/2018 23:49

I'm usually a big believer in personal choice and I guess I am here but I agree I don't understand it either....ultimately not my business but I can't help but wonder

My ds2 was a really tough pregnancy horrendous GD on insulin that never stabilised choleostasis and hellp syndrome at the end....weeks of nicu and ic for me....not a chance of risk a third pregnancy because ultimately what about my oldest children? Wouldn't risk them losing their mum or the third baby's life

Again not my business but can't empathise with the choice

Takfujuimoto · 16/05/2018 00:04

I spaced my first 2 nearly 5 yrs apart when I ended up in a wheelchair from SPD our third was a surprise baby ( unknown condom failure ) but that was 4 yrs from the last DC and the extra stress from the last pregnancy affected everyone so I don't understand why anyone would willingly go for more either.

But saying that there are plenty of people who stop at one because they had such horrific pregnancies and births and would probably look at me with the same question in their eyes.

I don't get the fb thing either tbh, after the first awful pregnancy you know how the second could turn out and I did but I found it was better to adjust and adapt to what I could and couldn't do than to waste my energy moaning to everyone everyday.

I was on crutches from 18 weeks with my second but actually enjoyed that pregnancy more because I knew what to expect and worked around it/didn't raise my own expectations and just got on with it like 99% of other pregnant women do.

Just block her, it's her 5th she knew what she signed up for.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/05/2018 00:10

First question I would ask is how much benefits she is getting, I bet she is expecting other people to support her family.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 16/05/2018 00:17

Remove her as a friend on FB, better than moaning about her here. That way you don’t have to hear about it or be bitchy. Easy win

jamoncrumpets · 16/05/2018 00:33

I chose to have a shit pregnancy this time around. Pregnancy 1 with DC1 was horrific; HG, anaemia, antenatal depression and a horrid b2b birth resulting in EMCS. I swore never again, but...

2.5 years later I got pregnant by accident. It was also shit and I had HG but it ended in miscarriage at 12 weeks.

Afterwards I realised I desperately wanted another DC. 6 mths later I got pregnant again, on purpose. And yep, it's shit. I'm 35 weeks now and currently sat up while DH and DC sleep because RLS is hideous. I have HG and am on meds. I have SPD. I'm under the perinatal mental health team for severe anxiety. I have just under 4 weeks to go until my c section.

I know that my body and mind won't be able to cope with any more pregnancies, so after this I'm out. I'll get a Mirena fitted and enjoy my 2 fab DCs.

Your friend is clearly tougher than I am! And feels that the benefit outweighs the risk.

squeekums · 16/05/2018 00:54

I get it op. I had a friend who was determined to have a girl. She was told after her 2nd that another pregnancy was risking her life literally.
Well that determination almost killed her, she did die on the table, brought back. She ended up having a stillborn girl and her uterus removed in all the drama.
If she didnt have it removed you can be i would have been attending her funeral 12 months later.
I dont get why she kept trying, she had 2 gorgeous healthy boys

KatieKittens · 16/05/2018 02:01

It’s her business, not yours.

NoseTitZilla · 16/05/2018 02:14

MrsDylanBlue, people need to know how it can be because there are people out there who think HG is "just morning sickness". My own PIL thought I needed to get over it and pregnancy wasn't bad until someone told MIL their story of it. I have a friend who never believed how bad my pregnancy was and thought I was making it up. I do my best to tell people about the work that's being done for HG by Pregnancy Sickness Support, I tell people my story and hope it will help others. Some people quite frankly are made of tougher stuff, the thought of 5 HG pregnancies makes me want to cry and run for the hills.

I will have more though (at least another, hopefully) because I want more. I will plan carefully and, sure, I don't think I could have more than 3 with HG but that's her bloody choice. It's 9 months and I'm sure her partner is prepared and willing to help. If he isn't, more fool them both but it is absolutely none of your business. If you don't want to hear/see it I'm sure you can stop talking to her and delete her.

I honestly don't get why the choices people make for their own families is the business of anyone else unless they open that forum for you to have a live debate on it.