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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ... Motherly advice going TOO FAR

42 replies

LH2016 · 15/05/2018 22:22

AIBU to have lost it with my mum after she asked me if I had left our baby son alone in the bath? There's parental advice ... and then there's asking if I had checked the temperature of the floor on the playground before he walked barefoot on it ... Really? Ok but I swallowed it. And two hours later this question. It is too much. Asking me if I'd let my son drown. Basically. So I cracked, and said how did she think that question made me feel, and I'm now the horrible person. Yep. Me. She just doesn't see that this is a problem and this is her caring. REALLY? I know she cares but is there NO FILTER????

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 15/05/2018 22:25

Does she really have so little faith in the way she brought you up?

Wolfiefan · 15/05/2018 22:25

What's your relationship with her normally like?

Echobelly · 15/05/2018 22:27

My MIL could be a bit like that... she did explain it once as 'Well I'm old and I've heard about so many awful things...' (she's also a pretty anxious person anyway). I just try not to take it personally - she's not actually trying to say we're irresponsible, she just wants some reassurance. And sometimes we tell her that no, we don't do what she's asking about and our reasons why we find it perfectly safe.

Does your mum has a history of putting you down, or might she just be being a bit neurotic and worried that you might not know X or Y safety advice (however obvious it might be!)?

LittleMonkeysWideAwake · 15/05/2018 22:27

I think you're over reacting Hmm!

Original poster
LH2016 · 15/05/2018 22:28

To be honest @wolfiefan - stifling. It's too much. The whatsapps, the advice, the presents, it's all like grandmother overload. We usually have a pretty good relationship but having a baby (now 16mo) has changed it. She means well and adores both of us, but she can't understand I'm hers, and he's mine, and she doesn't get to parent him too.

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Original poster
LH2016 · 15/05/2018 22:30

@littlemonkeyswideawake - QUITE POSSIBLY! But in context .. I get messages like this every day. It is too much. If this was the first one I'd laugh about it but really I have ignored so many of these comments. Out of respect. And this time I cracked. So I don't think I overreacted but yep I see how it could look.

@echobelly - she doesn't no, but in another comment I said she can be a bit much and she tends to want to parent my son as she's parented me. I get that it's a mum thing and a grandmother thing but I do sometimes feel I can't do anything how I want without it looking like I'm deliberately trying to piss her off.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/05/2018 22:30

So you need to set boundaries.

TroubledLichen · 15/05/2018 22:31

Your mother sounds a little unusual but I wouldn’t get too worried about it. My mother loves my DD and gets a little anxious about stuff sometimes, like FaceTiming me from the other side of the Atlantic to tell that she’d seen grapes in Waitrose and I must remember to always cut them lengthways for DD Hmm Her reasoning is that no one ever told her these things and she needs to pass along her motherly wisdom. Or she still thinks I’m a toddler. I’m not entirely sure. But I don’t take it seriously or get upset by it!

The bath water, reply with of course I don’t leave him, eye roll, then change the subject. The playground thing, I’d just laugh and change the subject.

stiffstink · 15/05/2018 22:31

When my DS was about 11/12 months old, someone asked (with genuine concern) if I checked the temperature of his food before feeding him so as not to burn him.

My reply was “ah, that explains all those infected blisters in his mouth! But... yeah I do check his food.”

I try to rationalise it by thinking that some people are anxious about all sorts of ridiculous shit that you or I would never think of because we are functioning adults who won’t fuck up with the stuff from page 1 of the manual.

In contrast, some people have a tendency to ruminate on stuff that will literally never happen and it’s a real shame that their headspace is taken up with that.

Original poster
LH2016 · 15/05/2018 22:32

Tried to @wolfiefan and then it blew up. I got the longest message (after just saying advice is fine but not at this level) saying she must have messed up and she thought she was a good mum and basically I'm horrible.

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Original poster
LH2016 · 15/05/2018 22:33

Thanks @troubledlichen - love the grape thing I'd do that :-) I agree, need to take a deep breath and roll eyes and move on. I usually do. I swear. Just not this time and now it's blown up. Quick to say something and you can't take it back right?

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Original poster
LH2016 · 15/05/2018 22:34

By the way thank you ALL for your comments it is so helpful seeing what you think. Reading through them all and thinking I'm glad I asked!

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FlapAttack23 · 15/05/2018 22:34

Don't take it to.heart I'd say.. she cares about you and her grandchild.. it's amazing how easy it is to not think.of some stuff and my stepDad led me over burning hother tarmac once and I Wish his mum had been about time ask him about checking the temperature first.

It's. Likely she is not doing it to put you down.. more than she cares and is out of control.her self for the first time and so is a bit over anxious . Tell her how.it makes you feel and ask why she is asking things like this that you feel.are very obvious.

My mum gives crazy over the line advice all the time and it does my absolute tree in but I know she means we'll. Water off a duck s back.and maybe she will.point out something you hadn't thought of one day and it.might be helpful!

FlapAttack23 · 15/05/2018 22:35

Oh didn't see the other posts Haha my phone made it look.like was only one page long so not read any updates.sorry!

Wolfiefan · 15/05/2018 22:37

Be specific. What's ok and what isn't?
If she can't cope with being around you and your child and accepting you're now a parent then she won't see much of you.

iklboo · 15/05/2018 22:38

My mum phoned at the weekend offering to come and stay with me as she thought DH was away overnight.

I'm nearly 50
I lived alone for nearly 6 years between ex p & meeting DH
He was only out until 4pm
We live in a very nice area
My folks only live 10 mins away - and DS was staying over with them for the night
I like being on my own sometimes

And she still tells me to take care coming home from a night out even though DH always picks me up Grin

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 15/05/2018 22:40

OP, I do sympathise, but I think it helps to remember that this comes from a good place. When I buy a camping airbed and I see a warning that it's not to be used on water, I roll my eyes a bit, and then remind myself that it's only obvious because I've read it elsewhere. In the press, we see awful stories of children suffering / dying unnecessarily eg because parents / carers didn't know that X was dangerous. I think it's understandable to be over cautious

Original poster
LH2016 · 15/05/2018 22:41

Thank you .... @wolfiefan I will do if it comes up again .... appreciate it

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Original poster
LH2016 · 15/05/2018 22:41

@allthgoodusernamesaretaken Thank you ... yep ... agreed

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Original poster
LH2016 · 15/05/2018 22:42

@ikiboo and @flapattack23 thank you ... thank you all so much!! x

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/05/2018 22:43

And remember this if and when you become a grandma and are anxious about your grandchildren or think your child needs your advice! Wink

dietcokemango · 15/05/2018 22:46

Your mum sounds a bit worse than mine but aye, I get stuff like "It's meant to be cold tomorrow so make sure he's wrapped up" or (repeatedly, over years now) if he's ill "Just make sure he drinks if he can't eat". It does piss me off because to my mind it's treating ye like an eejit, isn't it? I don't blow my top though, I just say "Well that was the plan, aye". My fiance would treat it somewhat differently and I wish I could do it the way he does, he just has a sarky comment for everything, eg when my mum mentioned the rain he said "Well it's not going to be purple or acid!" Bugger

dietcokemango · 15/05/2018 22:51

Anniegetyourgun

Does she really have so little faith in the way she brought you up?

One of these days I'm going to point that out to mine in an oblique way.

Guna100 · 15/05/2018 22:52

My mum is the same but I know she’s just trying to pass on her hard learned lessons, since her mum didn’t bother.

Mind you it drives me mad - everything from layers of clothes, to how DD has rosy cheeks ( eh teething?), to a general inquiry every few days if she’s sick. YANBU but I just pretend not to hear.

willsa · 15/05/2018 23:10

My mum is like this ( probably even worse ).
Everything with my DS has to be her way or I'm branded a useless, irresponsible parent.
Started from the day I announced my pregnancy. On that day I mentioned that now is a good time to start preparing the nursery and buy a cot. From that it followed that DS and I will not be co-sleeping, he will be in his own room from the day 1.
OMG the reaction of my DM: why did I get pregnant if I didn't want a child? Even animals don't do that. I might as well throw him in the gutter as soon as he is born... I stormed out and did not see my mother for 2 months.
She calmed down ( just on this one topic ) when she saw that DS was a good sleeper and not at all neglected right the other side of my bedroom wall. But the words still hurt. And there have been more run-ins of the like.
I have been told that " beggars can't be choosers" and any help I ask will happen her way. Or yesterday I spoke to her about my DS's health and mentioned to leave it to me; her reaction was: "I don't need any pointless arguments with you and if that is the way you want things to go, then don't come to my door ever again." I mean Confused

I know she wants to see me and DS but at the same time it's difficult to see how all of this is coming from a good place... Unfortunately, some peoples' love is very dysfunctional...