AIBU ... Motherly advice going TOO FAR

[LH2016]

AIBU to have lost it with my mum after she asked me if I had left our baby son alone in the bath? There's parental advice ... and then there's asking if I had checked the temperature of the floor on the playground before he walked barefoot on it ... Really? Ok but I swallowed it. And two hours later this question. It is too much. Asking me if I'd let my son drown. Basically. So I cracked, and said how did she think that question made me feel, and I'm now the horrible person. Yep. Me. She just doesn't see that this is a problem and this is her caring. REALLY? I know she cares but is there NO FILTER????

I don't think there is any harm in occasionally losing your temper with her when she oversteps the mark.

You just have a baby but you have a good few years ahead of you of trying to anticipate anything that might go wrong for them and avoiding them. Then try to stop doing that when I has become such a way of life. My adult dd is very, very firm with me and it still takes me a while to remember not to treat her like an eejit.

My mother used to do this. Every single thing. 'Have you done X, Y and Z?'

'No, mummy when it came to bedtime I just thought screw all the advice and hung her upside down like a bat to sleep, enveloped in her own wings'.

She drove me potty.

I think that mothers' have a hard time realising that their child is now a mother themself. Mine did. It took a lot of heated conversations and the argument 'Well this is how I did it and you're ok!' conversations to get through that this was my child and I would do what I felt was best for her.

Just set boundaries and if she puts a toe over sometimes... let her. Dont sweat the small stuff.

My mother is nearly 88. I am 57. My DDs are 21 and 19, DH and I have somehow managed to raise them to early adulthood. She STILL drives me insane on a daily basis because she thinks I'm hard as nails (I'm really not) if I don't go into OTT PFB mode when one of them has a cold or a hangover or is just tired... I regularly promise myself not to be like that when/if they have children!

My MIL used to do this kind of thing, from a good place. I would just deadpan back at her and then give her a little smile and she did rein it in.

So “you must remember to put suncream on him” “no, I thought I’d just let him burn to a crisp”.

“Are yay feeding him yourself? “no I’m just shoving some coins at him and hoping for the best”

“Don’t forget to put xyz out of his way” “I actually like him playing with knives, he is 5 months old after all”

But it was done in good humour as we like each other.

Haha this sounds like my DM. I'm the youngest child and she still babies me, despite the fact I left home 16 years ago. She's definitely asked me on numerous occasions whether I've left my DD (now 18mo) in the bath alone. And when she visits me, she audibly gasps if DD does so much as stumble while she's walking around and will tell me to be more careful with her!

I don't rise to it because she genuinely means it from a place of love and is a generally anxious person anyway, but it can be extremely frustrating so I get where you're coming from. Smile, nod, and ignore.

DH and I like to good natured-ly take the micky out of my MIL when she comes out with 'advice'. Keeps us entertained. My favourite was she was talking about rear-facing baby seats, I was explaining we would keep DD rear facing as long as we could and she came out with 'next door neighbour's son was on the roof yesterday', I couldn't resist and said 'of the car? Well that sounds very dangerous, we certainly won't be doing that!'. She meant the house but I still smile at that one.

Laserbird that made me

You have to just grin and nod, then do your own thing. Everyone thinks that they're right, it's up to you to decide on what you want to do.

Sometimes people will end up being right, but it's just a learning curve. My family were against me BF, one day I ran out of milk during a growth spurt, I have to agree that maybe I should have had formula as a back up, but I was doing so well.

I love the funny stories though.

My mother is a narcissist. She just used to spout unsolicited advice when dd was little. Never asked me any questions. Loves the sound of her voice far too much. There was never any point trying to shut her down.

Your mother sounds anxious but genuinely very loving. I’m sure it drives you crazy. And it’s exhausting. Can you write a letter to her to give her a lot of reassurance?

My mother otoh gave a lot of crap advice and opinions. Car seats are ridiculous for example. Outraged that she was made to wait while I gave ebf dd a quick feed (15 mins) to get us home instead of leaving her to scream. Why couldn’t I sit in the front, dd in my arms and bf as dh drove home?

My GM brought me up. She once accused me of hitting DS1's (2 at the time) head off the floor). I went NC after that.

State the obvious is always annoying but I guess with your mum it is the constant relentlessness of it.

My DC had terrible nappy rash, bleeding, blisters the lot. Obviously It was painful and very upsetting. idiotic advice I got from:
friends - it doesn’t look that bad, maybe bathe them? oh that’s the problem is it I haven’t given them a bath for the year since they were born
pharmacists - have you tried sudacrem? you mean the massive market leader that women get given free and is in everubblooming pharmacist
Other friends - I’ve never used anything and my children don’t have nappy rash clearly the nappy rash is because I’m a terrible mother and haven’t been organic enough

The pharmacist pissed me off but then they don’t know me and honestly it’s amazing what people don’t know about all kinds of things. Friends though I wanted to slap, you know me, why are you saying such stupid bloody things !

I realised some people can’t cope with not giving advice and have to say something. One friend did this with everything and I pulled back from the friendship as she was particularly in a position to be giving advice to everyone else. You can’t do that with your mum sadly!

Is she the type of person who struggles to have a non anxious conversation? Some people can only have a conversation which is complaining and some only worrying. It’s sad because that is what comsumes their brains. No less annoying though.

My mother and mil are like this. Dh and I have come to the conclusion that it is not us, it is them. They are control freaks. Dd2 had a frebrile convulsion Sunday night and was rushed to hospital. My mum decided to tell me that, in future, when dd gets a temperature I should ensure I manage it properly by alternating Calpol and Nurofen (I already was, dd2 convulsed 2 hours after having Nurofen and we'd been alternating them all day). MIL decided that dd2 absolutely wont have another one, despite the doctor telling us she was highly likely to have them when her temperature spikes in future because she'd had a small one a few months before. MIL knows better though; because her friends granddaughter didn't get them again after the first time. Oh and I should take dd2 to the gp and get antibiotics because it's probably tonsilitus according to MIL. It isn't, the hospital discharge form says 'upper respiratory viral infection.' But what do the doctors know compared to my MIL?! I've lost the patience to listen to it, particularly since having dd2. I just tell them they are wrong. I end up being very blunt with both of the. I'm not even sorry, they drive me mad.

Oh bless you - my own DM can be like this and it's TIRESOME. I struggled with awful PND after DS1 was born, so I was already doubting myself and my abilities as a parent, and my DM still wouldn't engage brain before gob when she was bestowing her constant pearls of wisdom upon my unworthy head

She meant well and I adore her, and I'm fairly sure the rest of the family thought I was an ungrateful little mare, but it was SUFFOCATING.

Don't know if this is any help but my Dad was similarly overbearing when my dd1 was first born. It took a couple of years but he did calm down. She's 14 now and we all have a really good relationship.

My DF was like this. I get he was over-concerned and protective of his first grandchild but it was a bit wearing. He's got better now DS is a robust toddler rather than a tiny baby

MIL however continues to be very anxious with DS - she honestly sees danger in everything. I let DH deal with it, he normally calmly replies 'he's fine'. Apparently she was quite relaxed as a mum herself when DH was growing up.

My MiL has taken to constantly asking me if our windows are on the catch. (Yes, always are), amongst other things. It is annoying after a while as I consider myself to pretty sensible and capable. I did sort of snap the other day when she asked me again about the windows and it hasn’t been mentioned since.

I agree that this kind of advice comes from a good place, sometimes. But in other cases, I think it comes from someone who needs you to need them. Some parents of adults struggle to see their kids as independent, mature adults who can make their own decisions - and when they're faced with evidence to the contrary (the ultimate being having children of their own), they push and push their opinions to reassert the fact that they are the adults in the relationship - and that you're the needy child.

I've been through 10 years of managing a relationship with my mother like this i.e. my eldest child is 10, and it's taken me most of this time to figure out boundaries and keep them there. I think my mother's finally accepted our new relationship, but even now she still sometimes forgets. I think we'd have got there quicker if I'd been unequivocal from the beginning about the fact that I'd ask for advice if I wanted it. I felt guilty about saying that to her, but it's perfectly reasonable.

Wow. Thank you all so much for your advice and your stories! It seems that I am definitely not alone in the, oh what, look after my child, really? thanks. never have thought of that.

I am grateful!!!! Well I haven't heard from her today she is well and truly giving me a wide berth and I have to admit it is peaceful. I feel so bad saying that but I just need a break. I get a whatsapp at 8am and if I dont reply by 10 she's checking I'm ok with my husband. She drove us MAD in labour asking for updates every two minutes. She is very caring and loving but very demanding that I am still her child and she is still mum. It's exhausting but we will get there. Thank you so, so much. I feel more sane now!