My step daughter is lying

[Beautifulwisteria]

My stepdaughter-to-be (14) is turning into a compulsive liar. She lies time and time again, anything from pretending to have a shower by turning on the water and sitting in the bathroom for five minutes, stepping out dry as a bone with no wet towels, bath mat or foot prints, to things she's said, to where she's going. She told her mother and brother a total lie about me and her dad having a big argument that didn't happen (DSS2b told us). There's too many examples.

Unfortunately DH2b won't address this with her. He wants our time with her and her brother to be "nice".

I've been with him four years, we're due to marry later this year. What would mum's do? Don't flame me for being a stepmum to be, please can I have advice on how to tackle the lying behaviour. I haven't said a word to her about it as I don't want to deal with this in the wrong way. DH2B doesn't want to deal with it at all.

Leave it. If she wants to lie about taking a shower, let her. If her parents are not bothered, don't let it bother you. Otherwise, it is going to damage your relationship with her and her Dad. As a step parent, you have a turn a blind eye to some behaviours (I know from experience). If her parents know her well then they will be used to how she is. It's frustrating I know but sometimes you have to detach yourself a little bit.

I don’t have experience of this, but she’s 14 years old, has a mum and a dad so I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it. To try and address it now is just going to cause rifts all round. How much time does she spend with you? If it’s just odd weekends/holidays I’d say you may need to just suck it up and ignore it.

First of all, stop calling your step children step children to be... you either already acceptcand think of them as yours or you don't.

Right, now that's out of the way...

Do you think that you DSD may be having some issues emotionally around you and your DF's upcoming nuptials? I say this as someone who inherited a lovely 15 year old when I married his father years ago and even he had a rough time accepting that did dad was marrying someone else, despite my DH and his mum not being together since he was 3.

I get that you have issues with the lying, but trying to force your DF to address the matter before he feels he needs to will only push a wedge further between all adults involved and create problems. As I said at the beginning, the fact you call your DSD your DSD2b rings alarm bells for me, maybe she doesn't quite feel accepted.

I used to lie about the shower thing. No idea why but I grew out of it in a year

This is going to be a dynamic in your life until she leaves home. Can you put up with that? I would find this a deal-breaker but others may be able to tolerate it.

I called her step daughter to be as I thought i'd be flamed for calling her DSD when we're not yet married, can't do right for doing wrong!

She lives with us 50/50 and her behaviours are causing problems - the lying about the argument that never happened. Surely I have a right to a say in this? I live with her as much as her parents do.

Ignore, nod and smile.

That’s it. That’s all you have to do.

She won’t be 14 forever.

Ignore the bad stuff, just nod and smile.

You don't have a DSD issue, you have a DH issue.
While you've said don't flame you for being a step mum. You are a step mum.
Your DH has said he isn't going to tackle it. If you tackle it, you will become (in her eyes) an evil which and she will escalate. You aren't her parent and you imposing something her parents aren't supporting you with won't work.
Decide whether its a deal breaker for you with your relationship with DH and go down that route.
As to the lying - the examples you gave are tame. Some people would confront it, but if its petty things then there is a reasonable argument to not give her attention by calling her out on it.
Lying about showering will mean that she's smelly and people will tell her so. Lying to her mum about an argument you did not have between you and DH could be for any number of reasons - trying to make her mum feel better post divorce, attention etc, it might not even be a lie in her eyes, she may have misinterpreted banter or a minor tiiff between the two of you and exaggerated slightly.

But as a step mum you can't tackle the lying of a 14 year old alone without robust parental support. Your options are to disengage or convince your husband to engage.

lots of teens lie - not all, but lots of them. I think it is a way of having some control of their lives and privacy from adults at a stage of their lives when these things begin to really matter.

So nobody needs to go overboard about the lies. Instead I would deal with the realities. If the rule is she has to have a shower, ideally her dad should say to her "you didn't shower go on and do it now" - wouldn't bother pointing out to her that she is lying.

For the false argument, I would say to her "why on earth did you say that to your mum?" If I lived in the house and the lie was about me, I wouldn't be waiting for the dad to step up but neither would I be imposing punishments. Just ask her.

Also if you are going to be living with teens I highly recommend the book Get Out Of My Life (but first can you take Alex and me to town)

To be honest this is rather small scale to what you have to come in terms of being a step-parent to a teen. I wouldn't wave the white flag over this.

Be the lovely parent - don't get involved with discipline.

(You don't need to worry that taking her side in everything will damage your relationship with DH ... but siding against her will damage your position with them both!)

I wouldn’t marry a man with a Disney Dad attitude, who thinks having ‘a nice time’ is a priority over bringing his children up properly.

I guess she is lying about the row because shes feeling conflicted about her Dad remarrying, perhaps remembering rows he had with ex whilst they were married. Not lying so much as projecting. I’d let that go, allow her to work it through unless ex asks you about it.
Similarly with the shower thing, she is testing the relationship. Letting you know you are not in control, probably at 14 she is doing that with her dm too.
Let her be but perhaps let her know you know she is not showering. Just in an amused way, not telling her off.

Your fiance is the parent and he needs to take this on, if anyone does. You can't. You certainly can't without his backing. I'd maybe think twice about marriage.

If dsd is with you 50% of the time your dh2be needs to parent not try and win some sort of popularity contest. In fact, even if it was eow he needs to step up as he is a parent.

Vladimirs is right, there is a lot of crap that comes with being a step mum. It helps to choose your path really carefully.

If I were you I’d divide up

• what affects you directly e.g. lying about the argument. You don’t have to go ww3 but I would say something. Then leave it.
• things that affect the household like being rude / communal areas. Gradually get some collaboration with DP on basic rules.
• things like showering and lying and School - leave that to her parents.

I second the "Get out of my life..." book recommended by a PP. Also try reading Stepmonster - it doesn't give you solutions as such but helps you to detach from such issues. Good luck you're going to need it being married to a disney dad

Some are saying its minor and to forget it, others are saying rethink marriage? Different perspectives. I know I need his backing and we need to do this together. I haven't said anything and probably won't, I just don't feel its my place. I suppose I just wanted to vent a bit. Thanks everyone.

I agree with the 'let her know but in an amused way - not telling off'

You need to plan your role really.
It will be tricky.

She has two parents. So she doesn't need a new mother. +You can't be a father to her instead of your DH.

She does need her parents to be parents to her -whatever their other concerns. (She will be making this known in a variety of ways during the next few years - especially if they try not reacting in order not to rock the boat. Teens like to rock things.)

At 14 ( a very tough age to be) and for some years, she is going to need a reliable friend. -One who can take it lightly when she is mean/unreasonable - and be a strong model of the sort of woman she would like to be.

Being the lovely parent might be fun! It will be much more rewarding than trying to establish discipline that isn't supported by your DH.

The shower thing and lying to her mum sound like attention seeking to me - teenagers are no different to toddlers in many ways so even the negative attention of being told off or pissing people off is better than no attention at all. She wants the confrontation about lying as a reassurance that she is noticed, but it will be her parents attention she is after rather than yours. Sadly for her it isn't working as her dad is determined to be so nice but being a parent isn't just about nice. It's also about giving kids time, discipline and boundaries.

You can't say or do much about the lying but you might be able to help by giving her some positive attention, praising her when she does well at something, asking for her help and advice on things, supporting her interests, encouraging her dad to spend time with her.

try a therapeutic approach - it can work wonders to establish an empathic link with kids. Playful, Accepting, Curious and EMpathic.

On the lying:

"I heard about the big argument we supposedly had. Its OK, I understand that sometimes you might feel that your loyalty is to mum, and I wonder if you sometimes might tell little stories to make her feel better. That shows me you love her very much and don't want to hurt her. You have a good kind heart, you take after your dad like that".

Imagine the warm glow shes going to get from that, the feeling of empathy and appreciation and connection with no blame or anger, just understanding.

On the showering: " Oh I love that you manage to have a shower and not cause any mess...its almost as though you were sitting on the loo seat and looking at your phone! AMazing! Like Magic! Hahahahaha." (all said with a big grin).

Id casually mention that she might get a bit wiffy without regular showers, as her hormones will make her sweaty. ANd encourage her to ask for her favourite shower gel and deodorant and other feminine items if she runs out. Maybe have a pact that if she showers regularly, you will buy a bluetooth shower speaker, so she can listen to her tunes.

I found it near impossible living with my own teenage daughter. No bloody way would I survive living with someone else's.

You have my sympathies OP.

You are marrying an absolutely useless father BIG RED FLAG and so I hope you don't plan to have any dc with him!

He doesn't support you BIG RED FLAG

You are going to have to go along with his pretence that everything is ok when it's not BIG RED FLAG

You are going to have to grit your teeth everyday without being able to say anything which will lead to terrible resentment and stress which could lead to ulcers as you know she will carry on lying about you and he will always support her over you. BIG RED FLAG.

Op, why are you marrying him?

Why not find a lovely single chap who doesn't come with any toxic baggage?

@fluffyrobin - bloody hell! I wouldn't call her toxic baggage! She's 14 and they have a lot going on at that age. I've had some great and very supportive messages of how to deal with this. He's also not a useless father, he's just not particularly good in some areas! He's actually a lovely dad in lots of ways. I'm marrying him because I want to be with him for the rest of my life.

Your DH to be or not be that is the question.. has to be one the to deal with this.

If you take her to task and confront this by yourself, you risk being the wicked stepmother. If she is fibbing to her mother already I think this would inflame matters.

Youre creating a blended family and it is crucial, esp. with the 50/50 split that you are both coming across as a united front. Otherwise its just 'A is sooo mean!'.

Discipline should (majority) come from him but able to be enforced by you in the knowledge that you have his support if she kicks off.

14 is a tricky age- and if she doesnt want to wash... well so be it. Just dont lie about it.

My DP tells my kids off and although sometimes that wouldnt have been the exact action I would have taken (Im talking about time out v grounded, not anything terrible!) I support him in his action as he was the person there at the time of misbehaviour.

Why? Its important that they see us as a parenting unit rather than one person that can be undermined (they try it sometimes but we then go and speak to them together). I also text my ex and tell him if one of them has been bold and has been told no 'X' for a few days due to 'Y' behaviour and I'd like him to uphold this, he (generally ) does.

Its about not undermining the other parent. You start that and youre in for trouble.

Talk to your DH and try and establish some ground rules he is okay with and will back you up on when you enforce them. Parenting isnt always about being 'nice', its about whats best for the kids. I was so terrified minding my DPs kids, I should have just bought a bumper box of eggs from Tesco and trod ginergly over them all day. Fortunately, we have the same attitudes towards parenting so I could have just stomped on them.

Eggshells, not kids. I now find its ok to say no to them, or to reprimand them because I know DP would be fine with it.

Talk to him and explain how you feel and why you feel it.