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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My step daughter is lying

41 replies

Beautifulwisteria · 15/05/2018 21:05

My stepdaughter-to-be (14) is turning into a compulsive liar. She lies time and time again, anything from pretending to have a shower by turning on the water and sitting in the bathroom for five minutes, stepping out dry as a bone with no wet towels, bath mat or foot prints, to things she's said, to where she's going. She told her mother and brother a total lie about me and her dad having a big argument that didn't happen (DSS2b told us). There's too many examples.

Unfortunately DH2b won't address this with her. He wants our time with her and her brother to be "nice".

I've been with him four years, we're due to marry later this year. What would mum's do? Don't flame me for being a stepmum to be, please can I have advice on how to tackle the lying behaviour. I haven't said a word to her about it as I don't want to deal with this in the wrong way. DH2B doesn't want to deal with it at all.

OP posts:
hollieberrie · 15/05/2018 22:17

I did that shower thing today Grin
Said "oh i'm just going for a quick shower", put the water on for a few mins and sat on the floor watching YouTube videos Wink I wouldnt worry about that in itself. Fairly normal behaviour for some people!

Rudi44 · 15/05/2018 22:22

over use of BIG RED FLAG much? And a BIG RED OVERREACTION

It’s not unusual for divorced parents to over compensate through guilt, it doesn’t make him a useless father, it just makes him a dad with a guilt complex.
I do think you are in a tricky spot and she’s probably testing you a bit. In your situation I would ignore the petty stuff, eg lying about having a shower, in the grand scheme of things it’s not a biggy. I would cut her a bit of slack if you can bear it, she’s 14, lots of girls can be very trying at that age anyway, added to the fact she is probably a bit bothered about her dad remarrying.

TawandaT · 15/05/2018 22:26

Meh, let it go. She will be 18 in 4 short years. This isn't something that directly impacts you really. Should it be sorted? Of course it should but it's not your role. You'll get shot it by everyone. The stepmother is the easiest person for everyone to hate! I'd focus on making your relationship with her as strong as possible and leave the rest but I'm with other pps I wouldn't be having kids with either!

Winebottle · 15/05/2018 22:26

The first two lies wouldn't bother me. If her Dad is not bothered that she didn't shower or went somewhere else, why should you be? It doesn't really affect you. However, fabricating a story about you is your business.

I think of it like I would a friend. If the lie does not concern me, it gets a raised eyebrow. If it does concern me, I may say something.

Even though I think she deserves to be confronted on making up stories about others, I probably wouldn't say anything for political reasons. If you don't have DP on side, you are going to isolate yourself from both of them on the issue. I think as a step parent, you have to be very careful picking your battles. Falling out with her will not be good for your marriage.

Echobelly · 15/05/2018 22:29

Yeah, I think just humour it and let it pass. She might be enjoying 'getting one over on you' by lying and feeling she can wind you up, but I'd just let it wash over you unless it's really important.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/05/2018 22:32

fluffy Whatever issues you have, it's best that you start your own thread to talk through those than project very serious issues onto the OP.

RLOU88 · 15/05/2018 22:34

Fucking hell fluffy what was that all about

Luisa27 · 15/05/2018 22:34

I agree with Teebag, try to turn a blind eye OP -plus she’s going through a confusing time with puberty etc - let her dad deal with it how he sees fit.
P.S. My sisters and I used to do the shower thing 😂

HollowTalk · 15/05/2018 22:55

I wouldn't marry someone unless his children were happy with that. Is there any harm in putting it off? She'll be 18 soon and everything will be different.

HollowTalk · 15/05/2018 22:55

But I wouldn't live with someone, either, unless their children were happy with it.

pallisers · 16/05/2018 00:51

P.S. My sisters and I used to do the shower thing 😂

I think all of mine have done the shower thing. I think I've done the shower thing tbh.

Don't worry OP. You don't need to ltb :)

Teen years are challenging. Some teens are fine and sail through. Most have a few things that make you think what the fuck. It all works out. ages 13-16 are the hardest in my experience. If I were you I would stay out of it unless it directly affects you (Oi SD, I know you've been at my eyeshadow, knock it off).

Also my single biggest piece of advice is don't ask something if you know it - thus setting the teen up for lying and then you have to deal with the lies as well as the non showering or whatever. Just say it if you know it "I know you took a tenner from my bag, give it back" etc

PrettyLovely · 16/05/2018 06:22

Is her Mum aware that the lie she made up about you and dh wasnt true?
Is her Mum aware she lies alot?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 16/05/2018 06:39

I get the idea no one knows how to handle teenagers!

At the end of the day if her lie affects you it's your choice how you deal with it. Call her out on it or ignore it. She lives with you 50% of the time. Of course you have a right to act on how you feel!

FinallyHere · 16/05/2018 07:19

As @SecretStash says, smile, nod, ignore

Surely I have a right to a say in this?

Life in a family is not easy, with different challenges at different times. One way to look at it, is that you are seeing what that family life will most likely be like. Your right to a say is pretty much to decide whether you can live with it. If not, don't get married to someone you like, but can't live with his children

@Goodasgoldilox You don't need to worry that taking her side in everything will damage your relationship with DH ... but siding against her will damage your position with them both!)

Very wise words

inchoccyheaven · 16/05/2018 08:46

I get frustrated with my sd14 too who also lies over things that she doesn't need to.
My dw is much more laidback than me and i hate to say it but i don't respect her style of parenting.
I have to learn to let go as its not my child and we don't parent each others children ( all teens). I do find it incredibly hard though sometimes.

Lizzie48 · 16/05/2018 09:28

I think all children lie about having had a bath or a shower, it's what they do. The lie about you and your OH having a big row does need to be tackled but not by you. You have to decide whether you can live with it.

My DSis has a DSS, he was 10 when she married his dad, and now has 3 DC of her own. She was his primary carer for some years, and he used to play her against his mum, much like your DSD is doing. But what happened there was that his mum got wise to it so he wasn't able to do it anymore. Your OH should let his mum know that she told that lie, otherwise she'll go on doing that.

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