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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss being catcalled

50 replies

Beesarmy · 15/05/2018 20:05

I didn’t know if this would be the right section or the feminist. I’m hoping that there are other women who have felt similar to the way I feel.

Recently when Ive been out with DD she was catcalled. She finds it very uncomfortable like most women do. She’s 16 so her body is changing and men are of course noticing it. The whole thing led me to think about when I was a young lady and I was constantly cat called by men. It grew up in LA where cat calling was very extreme. Especially when I was younger. I was first cat called when I was 10 years old I didn’t really understand it at first however most instances made me fell so frightened. For me it’s a form of sexual assault.

The problem is the cat calling has got less and less as I have got older. It has now got to a point where I feel a bit worthless. Im not that young attractive woman that I used to be. I know longer get attention from men anymore. It’s starting to bother me in a way I would’ve never thought.

It’s made me realise the mental scars that cat calling leave on many of us women. We become so used to it that it starts to become a need and many women start to find it flattering. I know when the odd man does catcall me I do feel rather flattered. Part of me just wishes that I could get a bit more attention. not as much as I did when I was younger but just a few compliments from strangers would be nice. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m one of a few women who feel this way. I just don’t get how I can feel like I’m a strong feminist. I’m independent yet miss being cat called. Miss that male attention, it’s embarrassing.

OP posts:
AsAProfessionalFekko · 15/05/2018 20:11

But you'd be royally pissed off if some arse did start learing at you and I assume you've witnessed your daughter getting attention? What do you tell her to do/say?

Last time someone did that to me they got a mouthful and a lecture.

I was very angry and indignant, and I think just unleashed the bottled-up anger from all the times I was intimidated and scared as a child/young woman being yelled at in the street by fat, ugly, sweaty men.

Yes I really missed the sexual harassment meted out to me as a schoolgirl passing building sites.

CardinalCat · 15/05/2018 20:12

I think yabu, yes, that your self esteem is so dependent upon what a bunch of sexist and demeaning steeetcallers might think. That kind of behavior is atrocious, harassing and arguably illegal in some cases. Yet you miss it? I find that quite strange, sorry. If you were envious of the fact that your daughter turns heads and is the recipient of stolen glances where you no longer do then I might have some sympathy with that view as I can understand that feeling poignant in a "coming of age" way. But the streetcalling- I don't get it.

Dozer · 15/05/2018 20:12

Sexual harassment is horrible.

hildabaker · 15/05/2018 20:14

I can honestly say that I don't miss being catcalled at all. Nor do I miss men thinking that it's ok to comment on my body or what I'm wearing. I can still get angry thinking about it, anger on behalf of all women.

User314 · 15/05/2018 20:15

Blimey. I sometimes wish men my own age (and weight range) would consider me their equal in the dating game, ie, as a candidate for a relationship and not just a woman to chat to while they chase after younger women - but I don't miss being catcalled by complete strange

Pengggwn · 15/05/2018 20:15

God, no, I hated it.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 15/05/2018 20:15

Who cares what some thick gobshites says/thinks anyway?

Original poster
Beesarmy · 15/05/2018 20:19

Like I said it got to a point where I learnt to just accept it which I think is where the problem began. If I was more stronger about it and maybe responded to the men I wouldn’t feel the way ido now.

I guess I felt like they would cat call me because I was attractive. I remember when I went out with my friends and I would be the one who would usually get the attention and the comments.

Most were just vile but I feel as I got older they felt more flattering to me. It might just all be in my head though.

OP posts:
IJustHadToNameChange · 15/05/2018 20:20

YABVVU

SpeckledDot · 15/05/2018 20:21

I know what you mean OP Smile some catcalls can be good or bad. I had one the other day where they got really close to me and said i looked nice but the way they said it made me uncomfortable, and then on another day when it was sunny i had put a nice shirt on and felt good, a man (from behind but not too close) said i was looking nice and i took it as a compliment and replied 'thank you, have a nice day'. That time it left me with a smile on my face. Some men just say what they think, others want a woman to know her place. Men are individuals.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 15/05/2018 20:22

Men like that would catcall a shaved pig in a dress. They aren't exactly discerning.

Bunchofdaffodils · 15/05/2018 20:22

Yours won’t be a popular view, OP. BUT I think I understand what you are feeling. It’s not that you miss being verbally abused but that you are painfully aware that your youth is over.

PositivelyPERF · 15/05/2018 20:26

Do you seriously think that women are cat called because they are attractive? Women are cat called because they are viewed as nothing more that a vagina/tits on legs! For women that are supposed to be ‘to old’ to be cat called, you really need to grow up.

Bumpitybumper · 15/05/2018 20:27

I understand OP and think your reaction is very normal.

You have grown up (as most of us have) in a patriarchal society where male attention and validation is seen as important. The absence of catcalling signifies a shift in how men see you and thus this is impacting how you perceive yourself even though you know that this is silly and don't endorse catcalling. Don't be too hard on yourself! You have been conditioned to think your worth lies in your physical appearance and breaking that mentality is really tough. Sad

Rainboho · 15/05/2018 20:28

YABU but I think you are acknowledging it yourself and feeling like you’ve internalised it as a form of self worth.

I have some not too dissimilar feelings about marriage. I have been married, it was shit and I wish I hadn’t done it at 21. I now know a lot more about the world and I am not religious and I’m naturally a very independent woman. I do not want to get married.

And yet. I still wonder if I DP might ask and I still look at wedding dresses in shop windows. Am I fooling myself on how I feel? Or am I just not separated enough from having internalised that I’m supposed to want and value marriage?

So I can see your thought processes. However the only thing I miss about catcalling is having and excuse to shout ‘Fuck you knobhead’ at lairy men.

bobisbored · 15/05/2018 20:31

I wish i had the confidence I have now, when I was younger. I think I'd rather enjoy it now whereas I found it horrendously embarrassing then. I have much more hilarious banter to throw back these days too!

Original poster
Beesarmy · 15/05/2018 20:32

PositivelyPERF

Ofcourse I’m aware of that. However there isn’t any denying that more attractive women got catcalled more.

When I used to do myself up I would get cat called a lot. Clothing matters, men know when we have put a bit of effort in and will then feel the need to ‘compliment’.

OP posts:
laloup1 · 15/05/2018 20:32

Is this a genuine question???

BelieveAnything · 15/05/2018 20:33

For me it’s a form of sexual assault

and yet you miss it? 🤦🏻‍♀️

That’s seriously weird. Cat calling is always creepy and obnoxious. It’s a shame some women seem to like it.

halfwitpicker · 15/05/2018 20:36

Honestly?

Hmm
bananafish81 · 15/05/2018 20:37

Do you seriously think that women are cat called because they are attractive? Women are cat called because they are viewed as nothing more that a vagina/tits on legs!

I don't know - I always assumed that was why women were cat called, cos the blokes hollering thought they were attractive and had an infantile way of expressing it.

Ive never been catcalled (that I'm aware of) - so always wondered what that said about my looks. I shall wonder no longer in that case!

AnyFucker · 15/05/2018 20:40

Yes, that is quite embarassing.

Satorye · 15/05/2018 20:42

Well you said it yourself-you miss the attention and this is the only attention, the only sign to let us know we're known to be here that women get. Catcalling, comments on appearance, sexual interest and moves from colleagues and strangers... And that wears off with age because this paedophilic world favours younger and younger as they can socially reach.
16 year old is a child, 10 year old is a child. Doesn't it make you disgusted? It must somewhere.

I'm 23 and I have stopped doing things that would be in favour of male gaze so more men would leave me alone. But as others said no one is spared so I still get awkward disgusting looks. Sometimes when a man stares at me-I stare at him back. I stare until he turns his fucking head other way.
Why would they look in the first place? It just makes me nauseous when I see young women dressed in skimpy stuff and at least 2-3 guys around having that semi-hard on look on their face. Like wtf this isn't what those young women wanted I'm sure and I'm sure neither do you!

It just makes you realise how much women are valued based on sex appeal. It's infuriating, unfair and disrespectful.

The attention as sleazy as it is, is the only of a kind I've experienced as well so I know very well the appeal you're mentioning. But it's sad and it makes you feel unsafe and never good enough at some point.

I wish someone would have told me this sooner so I would continue to rebel like when I was 16, instead of conforming like I did in the end.

Original poster
Beesarmy · 15/05/2018 20:44

I feel much more comfortable knowing I’m not the only one who feels this way. Wish some of the posters realised we aren’t all the same. I just don’t know if it’s wrong if me to miss a little compliment from a stranger. I obviously do not miss the disturbing sexual remarks I would sometimes get. But I few if the comments that would get felt nice. Even the typical whistle I’m beginning to miss Blush.

OP posts:
User314 · 15/05/2018 20:47

I hope you didn't interpret my comment as feeling the way you feel!

I want to be seen yes ,but in the context of being valued and seen, through the eyes of a man who likes women for their company as well as being attracted to them for a combination of their personality and looks.. I always hated oafs and chimps whistling at me.